We get to see them again next week and I can hardly wait to see how they have grown! Last week their heart rates were 176 and 167. I am 10 weeks now, and this pregnancy is FLYING by way faster than my other 2 pregnancies. Probably because my other 3 littles are keeping me on my toes all the time! I have been super sick, super constipated (gross I know), and VERY emotional. I never remember being this emotional with my other 2 pregnancies. More people have hurt my feelings and made me bawl my eyes out for hours...and they don't. even. know it. But my babies do and Cody does too, poor guy. He tries to understand why I am crying, but half of the time it doesn't even make sense. My sweet Paislee rubs my back and tells me it's ok. How precious is that? The boys don't even really notice. Pretty typical, guys, huh? Haha.
Now that I am starting to show, I get a variety of reactions from strangers. The comments that seems to be most common are "Are you crazy?" and "Doesn't your husband know what causes that?" I just smile and give a fake laugh most of the time. What they don't realize is that, I, too, have a keen sense of humor with just a tad of sarcasm. I have lots of responses that pop in my mind when I hear those comments, but I don't want to be rude or make anyone feel uncomfortable with my smarta$$ness.
But enough about that...the topic of this blog is a piece of my past. All that you all have read have been positive stories about our fertility struggles and triumphs with IVF. The official statistics for an average IVF cycle have a success rate of 40-50% per cycle. According to our past cycles, we have been very successful. We have gotten pregnant 3 out of 4 times. I realize that is so awesome that the odds and blessings have been in our favor 75 % of the time. We serve an awesome God who heard our cries and healed our broken, empty arms and hearts. But there was that one time, when it wasn't OUR time...and it simply wasn't meant to be...
After having Hudson and Paislee, I felt so complete and happy. I never really felt the NEED to get in rush to have another. We lived in the moment and thoroughly enjoyed every milestone. I will never forget the day that I felt like it was time to start trying again. It was September. It was a beautiful crisp, early fall day. Hudson, Paislee, and I were at the park and I was pushing them on the swings. I don't know what it was, maybe the fact that they were 2 and a half...or the change of seasons. But I just knew it was time. I called the fertility clinic and set up a consult for Cody's fall break. We hit the ground running and didn't look back. Our doctor convinced us that since we were so young and so successful, that we should only transfer 1 embryo that time. We didn't argue. We loved our twins so much...but I longed for the desire to experience a single, full term baby. Cody and I also agreed on another factor...we would keep this cycle a secret from everyone...including family.
When you experience infertility and go through something like IVF, everyone, including those close to you, are prepared for each step of the process. It is all a build up. The hormones, injections, egg retrieval, ultrasounds, did I mention injections??? Then you have the embryo transfer, the wait, and the pregnancy test. If you didn't already know, I am an open book. I will pour my whole heart out to a complete stranger and tell her my fertility story within minutes of meeting. Nothing secretive about this gal. I've always saw those sweet little pregnancy surprise videos on youtube and Facebook and had just a tad bit of jealousy. We have never gotten to surprise anyone with news like that...they always were prepared and saw it coming. So...the plan was to keep it a secret and tell our families at Christmas. Boy was that a hard secret to keep. Especially from my momma. I told her everything. Emily, my aunt and my nana, the best secret keeper EVAHHH knew, and they were sworn to secrecy. We went through the WHOLE thing, without spilling the beans. We transferred one beautiful embryo. We had such high expectations. Even the embryologist and our doctors told us they would be "shocked" if we were not successful. 4 days after my transfer, Cody was giving me my nightly injection in my hip when I burst into tears without warning. He thought he had hit the bone or something when he heard my sudden outburst. "IT....DIDN'T...WORK!" I finally after many ugly tears. I knew it. Mommas know things. I cannot explain it...but I knew in my heart that our baby didn't stay this time. I called my nana and told her what I'd just revealed to Cody. I wanted so badly for her response to be, "Oh, I'm sure it worked! Don't be upset, honey...it's still early...you don't know that." Or..."I have a good feeling about it!" All I heard on the other end of the line was silence through my tears. You see...she knew too. She did not tell me what I wanted to hear that night. Instead...she told me the truth. She said she had been praying so hard for this to work for us. And let me tell you, girls...my nana is the most Godly woman I know. She is pretty tight with the big guy upstairs. She said after praying without ceasing...she never felt a peace come over her like she did when she felt like her prayers were answered. Sometimes, God doesn't always say, "yes."
This is the same way that I felt. So what did I do? I broke down and called my momma. I told her everything and she was in shock and impressed that we had kept it all a secret. But she did what she is good at...she built those spirits back up. She kind of got me excited. At times...being around my mother is like walking into a room and being greeted by one of those crazy wild yorkie dogs. She's a whole lot of personality, but guaranteed to get you out of the dumps. SO she believes it DID work...and I started to believe her...just a little bit. I took early HPT's and saw nothing but the ugliest white I have ever seen. The day came for my blood test. Waiting for that call seemed like 10 days. My nurse finally called around 3:30 that afternoon. My heart raced when I heard the phone ring. But I knew when I heard the tone in her voice, that my suspicions were right. My heart broke. It broke even more to call and tell Cody and then my family that knew. It was also hard because no one really even realized that my heart was breaking, because they didn't know what was even going on, due to our secret plan.
The fact is, that yes, we already had a beautiful boy and girl. We were VERY blessed. I knew all of that. And if I didn't have H and P, it would have been MUCH harder to deal with. But I still felt such a sense of loss. My body had failed me. It had not accepted the one thing I wanted so badly. I had been poked and prodded for months. I had watched on the screen while they placed that sweet embryo inside of me. I knew that it was there, surrounded by all of my love. And now I had to face the reality that my baby was gone. It didn't stay. I would never get to see that heartbeat or know whether it was a boy or girl. Though, I have never experienced a miscarriage, I feel like this experience was pretty close to just that. We have lost 3 of our embryos, and I know...without a doubt...that they are waiting for me in Heaven.
So that, my friends, is why I never, ever, want to transfer "just 1" again. With IVF, you put your body and soul through so much. I would have much rather have gotten a phone call telling me I was pregnant with twins, than not pregnant at all. I know this was all part of God's perfect will and plan for our lives. And though that was a sad time, I had 2 sweet babies that helped heal momma's heart. I feel like that experience was God's way of opening my eyes to having more than one set of multiples. God was also preparing us for our next blessing...sweet baby Dax...whom we would conceive 2 short months later.
Thank you all for allowing me to open my heart and share our fertility journey with all of you. I am so humbled to have such an awesome support system! Can't wait to tell the next leg of our journey and update you on the twinkies along the way! Thanks for reading and SHARING! :)
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