Rewind to a few days before. I know you girls have been sitting on the edge of your seat after my post last week. But I did survive. The doctors were worried that I would be hospitalized after I developed a dangerous condition called hyper stimulation. Thankfully, I never got a blood clot that week. After lots of gatorade, meat, prayers, and a stockpile of my nana's homemade pickles, I dodged the bullet. It was a very stressful few days, but we made it. My nurse called me daily to keep me updated on the progress of our embryos. The plan all along was to do a 5 day transfer. Which basically means that they grow and develop in a petri dish for 5 days until they turn into a blastocyst and get ready to transfer. I looked forward to those calls daily. After doing our retrieval and I heard the news on how many embryos were created, I felt like pieces of my heart were outside of my body. Totally weird I know, and super hard to explain. But to this day, I still feel the same way. When people tell me, "you have 3, isn't that enough." I just wish they could understand the way I feel and the lump I get in my throat every time that statement is mentioned. In my opinion, from the moment those embryos were created, they were ours. Our babies. We love them and we pray for them and long for them. I feel like right now they are being babysat by some really nice doctors,
When Martha, my IVF nurse would call with the updates each day, she would so gently, remind me to brace myself for a cancelled cycle. (They were still expecting me to get very sick and hospitalized due to my high estrogen levels.) And let me tell ya, Martha thought that I was 10 shades of crazy. Each time she told me what was going to likely happen, I didn't even acknowledge it. I was cheerful when I responded. No tears...no worrisome questions. I very politely told her "I'll be back." Or, "See ya, Sunday, girl!" I've always heard that your tongue is a double edge sword, and "if you speak it, it will come to you." And this girl, well, wasn't about to be speaking any negativity about the day she'd prayed for, for such a long time. I can't quite explain it. But despite any textbook, doctor, or medical prospective...I knew God was on my side. Everything was working out according to his plan. I felt such peace about the situation, and didn't let any medical opinion bring my spirits down. Did I know that it was a possibility my cycle would be cancelled? Absolutely! Did I believe it actually would be? No, I did not. I just knew in my heart those babies would be transferred that weekend. I just had to convince everyone around me of the same thing (including a very smart team of doctors).
I spent the next couple days preparing for our big weekend. We went home for a while and cleaned up the house and tried to make our bedroom into a peaceful oasis. I bought new pajamas, candles, new pillows, and even a new cozy blanket. I had my DVR full of Lifetime movies and all the seasons of One Tree Hill were sitting close by. I was all set for my bed rest! We also stocked up on fresh pineapple and had it ready in the fridge. Pineapple core was supposed to help with the implantation process after the transfer. It's kind of an old wives tell, but we were willing to do anything to increase our chances! Conquering infertility could be a full time job, y'all! I googled everything that would help increase our success and we did it! We had to start a new injection that week too. My hubby was told that it was much easier to give it to me in the thigh, so thats what he did. Let me just say, that wasn't such good advice. If looks and screams could kill, he would've been dead and cold within the first 10 seconds of that bad decision. It felt like a dull knife was piercing slowly through the muscle.
When we arrived at the clinic, the doctor on call greeted us. She then told us how surprised she was that our transfer had stayed on the schedule. She was told earlier that week that she'd get to enjoy her Sunday off after reviewing my bloodwork. I just smiled and told her that lots of prayer had gotten us to this point, and the fact that I was stubborn didn't hurt either ;). We entered several security checkpoints, all reviewing our wristbands. I was given some water and a valium to relax me. I didn't oblige. Heck, I needed 10 of them the closer I got to 10 am. My nerves swindling away by the minute. They put us in our room where I changed into my gown and got into the hospital bed. The nurse came in and went over the typical paper work and asked me my name and birthdate a bazillion times. All while I kept drinking lots of water like I was ordered to do. As the questions and monitoring continued, my bladder continued to expand. All I could think about was how badly I had to pee. Another doctor came in and they stressed the fact that if we, indeed got pregnant, multiples were a big possibility. We were totally ok with that. All until the embryologist entered the room to bring us the sweetest picture I've ever seen.
Meet our first 2 sweet babies...their very first picture.
Hudson and Paislee
Now I know I'm partial, but they totally have my eyes, don't you think? ;) When I first laid my eyes on this photo, the waterworks began. I knew no matter what was going on in the world, I'd found exactly where I was supposed to be. My heart was full. They were perfect. They were beautiful. They were mine. And regardless of the outcome of that day...we were already their parents.
Cody was like a kid at Christmastime, excitement was an understatement. We were both pretty giddy and nervous. But mostly excited. The time came and they rolled us back to the room where all the magic happened. Did I mention I had to pee like a race horse? The room was dark and very cold. There was a large monitor screen similar to that of an ultrasound. They got me all ready. I was feeling the valium, but I also realized there were a WHOLE lot of people examining my, you know, vajayjay. Modesty was completely thrown out the window on that day. There was a large spot light shining directly on me while I was in stirrups. Get the picture? I felt like my lady area was under police interrogation, and everyone was watching. But I knew it was completely necessary to get my sweet embryos back to where they needed to be, in my uterus. Another doctor came in and they stressed the fact that if we, indeed got pregnant, multiples were a big possibility. Even though they tried to talk us out of it, we were totally ok with that. We loved the idea of twins! As soon as I was prepped, they rolled our embryos in. "Dad, would you like to take a look at your embryos before we transfer?" He walked over to the incubation box they were in and looked at them "in person" for the very first time. I looked over and saw him standing there in those scrubs, looking through the microscope...at our future. I prayed that that image would always be remembered. I wanted to take a mental photograph and frame it to hang all of my life. I'll never forget how precious that moment was. The tears were flowing again and we were both ready. We were both financially, physically, and emotionally exhausted. But we were ready. Please, God, let me be a mom. Please help those babies stay. I wanted them so bad it hurt. Cody gripped my hand with his nervous, sweaty palms, and the doctor began to narrate what was happening. They loaded the 2 embryos into the cathedar and placed the cathedar into my uterus. I laid extremely still and we watched the whole process on the screen. We prayed and I cried some more. I have never been more happy or more terrified at the same time. When I envisioned how my babies would be conceived, it didn't involve this many people or doctors in the room with us. But at that moment, it seemed like we were the only 2 people standing there. Me and him and those 2 sweet babies. We embraced it all. It may have been a little different and unconventional, but it is what made our story perfectly right for us. I thanked God for that moment he'd brought us to. And I begged those 2 embryos to stick and make my belly home for the next 9 months...
"For you formed my inward parts, you knitted me in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them."
-PSALM 139 13-16
Thank you all for reading! I LOVE to hear your thoughts each week! Please SHARE! I cannot tell you the amount of emails I've received from people that I don't even know that are experiencing infertility...all because they read it on a friends page. Be sure and subscribe as well! Next week I'll continue my story and give an update on our current cycle! Love to all you sweet girls! Have an amazing week!
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