Ever heard the term "ignorance is bliss?" Yeah...well...I was ignorant. And it was bliss. Period. I thought the idea of having a baby consisted of a couple different things. One being an awesome epidural, which would numb me and help me to feel just a little pressure while in labor. A little pushing while your husband rubbed your feet and fed you ice. Then there would be beautiful babies in my arms to cuddle and love. There would be visitors, balloons, and lots of ooooing and ahhhhing over my new bundles of joy. Ok, now scratch everything I just said...it was a web of lies. Big FAT ones. If anyone has ever told you that birthing a child in this world will make you feel "just a little pressure," I give you the permission to go kick them
To my infertile myrtles...I want you to know that I used to think that I would never get to have a birth story. I had dreamed of it, yes. Many times. But there was always that Debbie Downer voice telling me that it would never happen. Well, turns out that Debbie was Satan's girlfriend. Don't let her steal your faith. Don't let her steal your hope. If you are a "glass is half empty" kinda girl, pull up a seat and let me fill up that cup, sister. Because I believe that it will happen for you. And I love you, and I am praying for you. Just had to say that. Forgive me, girls, but you know I am random...back to my story. And if you're a guy reading this, bless you. But don't read any further. It may scar you for life.
So, I was in labor, 8 weeks early. I was not ready. Yes, I was so excited to meet my babies, but I knew it was too early for them to be healthy. We were so worried. We made our way to labor and delivery and got into a gown, a pretty ugly one. These were the days before Posh Pushers, so I didn't look so fabulous while in labor. ;) The nurses gave me Magnesium in hopes that would stop my contractions. They then told me that soon I'd feel like I'd been hit by a semi truck as a side effect. They were right. My blood pressure bottomed out and I fainted. All before doing so, I looked at my mom and told her I was dying. She isn't the person I should have told that too, anyone but her. Did I mention my sweet momma was a tad dramatic, lol? She screamed and cried...she believed me. I guess the color of my face was convincing. I was 50 shades of ghost...it wasn't pretty. But the meds wore off, but the contractions did not stop...they just slowed down. I had tons of visitors in and out to check on us and my nurses were amazing! They laughed and cried along with us! I loved them! Later that night, there were still no babies. Dr. Gass made it clear that the hospital would be my new home until they made their arrival. They anticipated they'd make their arrival within the next 24 hours and advised me to get some rest. Rest? Are you kidding me? I was in LABOR 2 MONTHS EARLY. I couldn't rest. My mind was too busy worrying about them. Something that wouldn't go away, even 4 years later. I was their mom, it was my job. SO they told matters into their own hands and gave me some medicine to help me sleep. I took it and fell asleep, finally. Only to wake up 2 hours later carrying on a conversation with none other than Tori Spelling. You got it, she had came to visit, and there were 3 of her. Can you believe she came all the way from California to see little ole' me? What a sweetheart that Tori was. Yep, I was hallucinating y'all. And that wasn't too fun either. So, Cody convinced me that no one was actually in our room but us and the lady that kept coming in every hour to check my blood pressure and stats.
The next day...well I am gonna be honest with you. I don't remember much of the next day. It was pretty much a blur. I was exhausted. Cody was exhausted. Everyone was exhausted. The waiting room was full of people that had stayed the night. They will never know how much their support meant to us. That day passed and still no babies. It seemed like 10 days in one. I hurt and I was tired. The next morning came and my water broke. Atleast, at that point we knew that it would't be long before this whole labor thing would be over and my babies would be here. I got my first epidural. I knew about 30 minutes later, when I didn't get any tingling in my legs or numbness that something wasn't right. I got another one. Same thing, nothing. My new nurse, which I will not name, was not very nice to me. She made me cry. I told her how badly I was nursing and she, very rudely, told me to get over myself and that having a baby was no picnic. Anyone that knows me, knows that I normally would have given her a piece or two of my mind. We would've had a little "come to Jesus" meeting right then, right there. Not that day. I was all out of fight. All I had to respond back were tears, silent, but big ones. But don't worry, Cody told her his thoughts out in the hallway. So, later they told me, 3 epidurals later, that my curved spine was like that of a hunchback and my membranes were too thick for the epidural to work. Gee, thanks y'all! You sure know how to make a gal feel special ;) ! Contractions are of the devil. They suck. They hurt, they really reallllly hurt. If I had one word to describe the pain, I'd have to say ELECRICUTION. When one hits, it stops you in your tracks and you cannot move, cannot breathe, just have to lay there and consume the unbearable pain. I felt pressure all right. The pressure of a bowling ball falling out of me. Along with a million other pains.
The time had finally come...55 hours later...it was time to start pushing. Yes, that was a long time to labor. But God's timing was perfect. You see, the babies needed that extra time to let the steroid shot help develop their lungs. That long labor, ended up being an answered prayer, and helped my babies tremendously. While I was pregnant, I had a plan on who I was allowing in the room. I was selective to who I was going to allow witness all of my lovely lady parts birthing children into the world. But I ultimately decided that my Husband, my Momma, and my sweet Mother in law Rhonda would be there for the occasion. They were an awesome team! Giving birth is messy. It isn't pretty either. But let me just say this much. all of your modesty goes out the window during those moments. I wouldn't have cared if the Pope, himself would've been videotaping. Who cares? I'm sure it isn't the first time they've saw a
This is one of the happiest and ugliest moments of my entire life. I wasn't pretty, but it doesn't matter. Our faces say it all. Joy was an understatement. We were parents. Thank you, Jesus.
I took one look at this sweet face and lost it. My cup was overfilled with joy and a love I had never known before. My baby boy that I was seeing for the first time. His soft cry sounded like a little lamb and I was in love...so in love it hurt. I wanted him, to hug him and kiss him and tell him I was his mommy, his protector, the keeper of his dreams, and the one that would always love him more than anyone in the world. But I couldn't they took him away immediately and hooked him up to machines.
I felt heartbroken. That numbness I wanted to consume my lower body during labor, now consumed my emotions. But I had to pull it together, my job wasn't done. 5 minutes later and once very long push, Paislee Aspen entered the world...and the world would never be the same.
There was my girl. My future best friend. My sunshine, my girl. The answer to my dreams of hair bows and shopping trips. There she was. She was beautiful, and I wanted to hold her too. Her cry was louder and feistier. It reflected her personality already. Our little firecracker. But again, she was immediately whisked away for monitoring and oxygen.
You know how everyone says, "your mind forgets the pain after birth"? Yeah, well, thats crap too. I will never forget that pain. However, it didn't matter. Nothing mattered but them. I'd walk through 10,000 barbed wire fencing with alcohol being dumped on me for them...for the rest of my life. You, see...when you become a mom, YOU are irrelevant. You become last. They become first, and that won't change. Pain is temporary, but that unconditional love...it's forever.
Having a baby in the NICU and watching them struggle to breathe isn't fun. It is heart wrenching. You feel helpless, and there is nothing you can do for them. We wanted to be the ones to fully take care of them after birth. We were their parents. But we didn't get that luxury. Let me tell ya, one of the worst sounds in the world is the screams of your child while on IV is being stuck in their head. Cody was my rock. I'd never saw him more attractive than when he was rocking one of our babies. The nurses had to take care of them around the clock and we could visit during certain hours. We were so blessed with amazing nurses who we still keep in touch with to this day! They were a God Send and took such great care of our babies. They will never know the depth of our gratitude to them. NICU staff, you rock! I also met one of my very best friends in the whole world, Beth that day. She happened to have twin boys just 2 days before. They are now 4 and a half and we talk every week!
Those first few weeks were the hardest weeks of my life. It was hard seeing our babies poked and prodded and not being able to bond with them at home like a typical newborn. But But we made it. God carried us through it every step of the way. I can remember feeling like I was gonna lose it after driving to Bowling Green 3-4 times a day and pumping breast milk to take to each feeding. I just wanted them home. But they weren't quite ready. We were happy and complete when we were with them, but leaving them at night, always left me in tears. Poop became something to celebrate and breast milk became more valuable than gold. When the week came for them to come home, I feel like the angels played trumpets in Heaven and God was shining down on us. Paislee came home a few days before her brother, which was bittersweet. I bawled like a baby as we pulled out of the hospital. Even though, we were right back to see him the next day. Cody even got up at 3 am to take him breast milk and do skin to skin before he had to be at school. Later that week, all was right in the world. They were together again and we were all finally home. And that was my very favorite place to be...being a mommy with my babies.
And they were loved...so loved. And we are eternally grateful to God for our little sweet peas! I LOVE having twins! In fact, I'd love to have another set someday ;) I feel like I have written a book, but there are still so many stories yet to be told. I will have a mid-week surprise post coming later this week. Please keep my little family in your prayers this week! Much love to all of you. Thank you for reading and SHARING on your page. God Bless!
I know we've never met but you'll never know how much this blog means to me. I laugh. I cry. And I hope and pray that I'll have a story of my own one day. Thank you so much for sharing. Your journey helps me keep my faith.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteI am so glad sweet girl! That is why I do it! Praying for you always!
Delete