The Wait...

      Sometimes infertility can make you feel like the yellow starburst at the bottom of the package.  Nothing but a big, fat, disappointment.  I had dealt with that disappointment month after month when we were trying to conceive.  After the embryo transfer, that fear crept back into my mind.  That fear of disappointment...I couldn't handle it if this wasn't successful.   I was already head over heels in love with my 2 sweet embryos.  My heart was in this, completely, and there was no way to guard it now.  It was too late.  All of our family and friends knew about our IVF treatments, so they would be awaiting the results along with us.  It was so amazing to have such an awesome support system!  However, I didn't think my heart would be able to handle telling them, if I'd failed at getting pregnant, yet again.   I pleaded to God to protect my body and those babies and to let this be successful.  I wanted those babies to get nice and cozy in my uterus, and feel right at home.  So, to put it lightly, I made Cody drive very slowly on the way home from our embryo transfer.  Very careful, as if he was carrying an explosive in the back seat.  Did I mention I love my husband?  Cody had laid the seats down and had me a nice pallet of comfy pillows and blankets for the ride home.  He also drove thru Captain D's on the way,  because he knew it was my fave.  Their sweet and sour is the bomb!  I was a nervous wreck through every turn and bump.  I was carrying precious cargo, and I wasn't about to risk their chances of implantation.  I had 2 new sidekicks, my embies.  They were the most important little things in our lives at that point,  and I wanted them to stay safe and stay put for the next 9 months or so.  Deep down, I knew that God had brought us this far, and he would take care of everything.  But it didn't mean that kept me from worrying anyways...go figure.
      When we got home, Cody helped me get into bed and I tried to get comfortable.  I started chowing down on as much pineapple core as I possibly could.  I would also laugh hysterically between mouthfuls.  Partially because google informed me that laughter and eating that core increased my chances.  But mostly because I laugh in very awkward and uncomfortable situations, or when my nerves are bad.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I struggle with this.  Sometimes at weddings and funerals.  You know that moment when the bride is walking down the aisle and everyone is all weepy?  I feel like I am going to die from spontaneous combustion from holding in my giggles.  Seriously, If your dog or uncle dies or if you get hurt in any way...just don't tell me.  Don't do it...but if you do,  don't get offended if I laugh.  I can't help it.  Gosh, I am random and getting off track again.  Back to my story.  I laughed, ate pineapple, and watched LOTS of One Tree Hill and hallmark movies.  I wish the Duggars would have been on tv then.  If they were, I would have watched a marathon.  I love the Duggars, but it may have made me a little jealous that I couldn't get pregnant as easy as them.  I want to parent like them!  (I must not be doing something right, b/c I'm pretty sure Jana wouldn't call John David an a**hole).   <<<random thought  ANYWAYS... I was determined, prayerful, and hopeful.  My emotions were all over the place.  I would feel 100 % certain that I was pregnant, then I'd be crying 10 minutes later out of fear that I wasn't.  We had so much on the line.  Our hearts, our minds, and our entire savings account.  I was ready to grab infertility by the balls and tell em who was boss.  I was ready to be a mommy.  
      Since I was on bed rest and was waited on hand and foot.  Sounds pretty nice, right?  But the time passed so SSSSSLLLLLOOOOWWWW.  I was told to stay very hydrated and get lots of rest.  I hated getting up to pee.  I was terrified they would fall out.  Even though my doctor assured me that wouldn't happen. I wish so badly I could've put a little dot of gorilla glue on them and precisely placed them on the wall of my uterus myself.   Geez, why hasn't some scientist come up with that already?  And my poor bowels,  I didn't let them move at all.   I am strong willed, and I won that battle, sister.  I held it in until I became very constipated, which I was ok with at the time.  What if I sneezed to hard?  What if I trip and fall when going to the bathroom?  I began to obsess a little.  Ok, a whole lot.  And google became my constant companion.  I would google pregnancy symptoms every 3 minutes.  I analyzed every single sensation.  Most of which were caused by the devilish Progesterone Injections, which ironically mimicked pregnancy symptoms. I can remember wanting so badly for my boobs to hurt.  I pinched them so much that they finally starred to get tender.  Which made me happy.  Hey, it's a symptom, right?  I was nauseous, but I think it was from all the googling too, and my nerves. 
      The days seemed like years, but I survived.  After a few days laying horizontally around the house, I eventually, very cautiously, got on with my life.  I wished that I could just take a very long nap until my blood test.  SO then I could either celebrate or loathe in self pity.  6 days passed by and I started to get very exhausted, all I wanted to do was sleep.  So, the next day, I broke a promise I'd made to myself.  I opened the cabinet doors and grabbed a pregnancy test.  I had a million of them.   Cheap pregnancy tests are like crack for women who are infertile.  I know you probably already read my thoughts on those things in my past posts.  But I'll tell ya again...  She did not like me...the pregnancy test that is.  She was like the popular girl at school that I was dying to be friends with.  But she snubbed me.  Every time.  I never got invited to any of her parties and was always left me crying with her stupid negative results.   Everyone tells you not to do it, just to wait on the bloodwork.  I couldn't be that patient those last couple days, so I caved.   I was a rebel, and I decided to pee on it anyways.  I did it so fast so that I wouldn't talk myself out of it.  I yelled across the house, "Cody, I'm gonna take it."  I yelled while I was taking it, so he wouldn't try to talk me out of it.  As soon as I looked down I saw a line, but not the one I usually see.  It was accompanied by another this time.  I screamed.  A scream that I've never screamed before.  I jumped up, with my pants still down and urine trickling down my legs.  Gross, I know, but you get the picture, right?  I was excited!  The tears began to flow, yet again.  And girls, this time, it was that ugly cry again.  But it was a happy one.  I praised God immediately!  We trusted in him, and he was faithful.  I screamed.  I sobbed.  And I ran through my house like I'd just been stung by an entire hive of honeybees.   I began to shout the 2 words I was never able to say before in my life. "I'm pregnant!"  

Be sure to read next week to hear Cody's reaction, and the hurdles and health issues we were faced with soon after.  Thank you all, as always, for being faithful readers!  Please       SHARE, if you liked what you read.  Much love to you all and I hope you have an amazing week!