My Bloody Valentine's

      Happy belated Valentine's Day to all of my lovely friends and readers!  I hope you all have enjoyed a romantic day with your significant other or those that you love.  While most of you all are out to dinner in your pretty red dresses...I'm at home in my sweats with no chocolate and a big pack of super maxi pads.  My man knows how to wine and dine me...let me tell ya ;).  Just kidding!  I got a 5 page letter and chocolate covered strawberries he made himself!  While you all were smelling the scent of sweet red roses...I was inhaling the horrid smells coming from my 4 year old daughter.  The result of a nasty stomach bug.  Don't even mention Dax's diapers.  Did anyone ever tell you that the flu makes diapers smell horrible?  Anyways...I spent the Valentine's night watching movies and doing a valentine craft with my 3 little valentines while Daddy worked.  I am so thankful to be at home with them resting...and extra thankful to know my 2 twinkies are snuggled in my womb, completely healthy, with the sweetest little heartbeats I've ever seen...
      Let me just say this much, it has been a week from Hatis.  Tuesday morning Dax woke up very early with an extremely high temp.  I felt horrible too.  I took him to the doctor and he tested positive for the flu.  Poor baby looked and sounded horrible.  I, however, tested negative.  Thank God.  But I still felt like death.  We went home and tried to keep baby Dax hydrated and tylenol in him around the clock.  His fever got up to nearly 105 at one point.  It was a full time job trying to give sponge baths to keep his fever down.  H and P spent the night with my mom Tuesday night in hopes to keep them well.  Mom called Wednesday morning to inform me that Paislee was sick too.  After getting her home and in bed, I sat in the bath tub and cried.  I hurt all over and couldn't stop vomitting.  Dax was worse and we ultimately decided to take him to the ER.  Cody packed bags for the kids to go to mom's and a bag for Dax in case we had to stay in the hospital.  I told him that I needed to lay on the couch for 5 minutes because I thought I may pass out.  I thought it was from the fever and such.  While I was laying on the couch I felt something wet between my legs.  I thought I was peeing on myself.  "My Lord, I have the weakest bladder of anyone I know!  I have gotta ask my doctor about this!"  I was just telling Cody about this issue earlier in the week.  Everytime I puke violently, I always leave a puddle of urine in the floor along with it...so gross I know.  I guess that's what happens when you are pregnant with twins for the 2nd time! Anyways, getting off topic.  When I stood up from the couch I noticed a puddle of blood underneath me.  Blood is the one thing that no woman "with child" wants to see.  My voice started to tremble as I told Cody what was happening.  I walked to the bathroom and there was blood everywhere.  I have had bleeding every pregnancy so far due to various reasons, but I have NEVER...EVER had bleeding like this.  I began to cry uncontrollably.  I called mom to inform her that I thought I may be having a miscarriage.  I could hear Cody's sobs in the other room, he was terrified too.  
      Mom came straight over and we got ready to head to the ER as instructed by my doctor.  My brother, his girlfriend, and my nana came over to stay with the kids.  The ride to the ER in Bowling Green seemed to take hours.  The entire drive I was mentally preparing myself for the worst.  When we arrived, Mom pushed me in in a wheelchair.  Every time I moved, I could feel more blood coming out of me.  I held myself together for a good 20 minutes, but then I broke down bawling in front of everyone there.  The lady sitting behind us informed Cody that her daughter and gotten the flu while pregnant with the flu and "lost dem babies...and my babies probably didn't stand a chance."  Wow.  Thanks for the positive thoughts, lady.  That's exactly what we needed to hear.  Not only was I worried about my babies in utero, I was concerned for my baby sitting next to me who had gotten worse and sounded like a seal when he coughed.  Luckily, after my mother reminded them 3-4 times to get me a bed, they took me back to a room and let Dax come too.  When I changed into a gown, blood was pouring into the floor.  The nurse had to yell for housekeeping right away, there was a trail behind me back to my room.  I realize this is all disgusting, but I am known for giving you all the details, so that is what I am doing.  The physician came in to examine me and informed me that my cervix was open and they needed an ultrasound ASAP to see if the pregnancy was even viable at this point.  I asked very nicely if we could do the ultrasound over my belly, rather than internally, since something bad was obviously going on.  He was such a dochebag.  He yelled at me and slammed the door behind him.  He obviously didn't want any instruction from the concerned mother to be.  It was a simple question, and I was just distraught and worried.  Talk about a man with an ego and a power trip.  I had him reported and said I did not want him back in my room.  
      The ultrasound tech came into the room and quickly pointed out the two things we wanted to see most...the heartbeat of baby A and the heartbeat of baby B.  I was very shocked and relieved to see both of my babies flipping on the screen.  But, as the nurse changed my bed pad once again, I was still very worried as to why I was losing so much blood.  And to make things worse, I hear my baby's cries in the room next to me.  Turned out, he had the croupe, along with the flu and had to have breathing treatments.  Thank God mom was with us and my father in law and mother in law showed up shortly after.  To make a long story shorter, we ran lots of tests and had a very long ultrasound.  The babies appeared to be fine, which was the most important thing. I texted my sweet friend Emily who is a labor/delivery nurse.  She gave us some advice and helped get in touch with my dr.  Dr. Gass came in to evaluate me and came to the conclusion that my cervix was closed.  Thank God for Dr. Gass.  He is the best doctor in the world as far as I'm concerned.  Turns out, the first guy that saw me...Dr. Douchebag, wasn't even a real doctor...he was a physician assistant.  By the way, he did come in later to apologize.  SO I guess the Christian thing to do, would be to stop calling him a douche now.  ;)  Did I mention Dr. Gass is the best?  He wasn't even working OR on call...but he came in anyway.  Turns out I had ruptured blood vessels along my cervix and something called cervicitis?  I may have that word wrong.  I also tested positive for type A flu.  So we finally got to come home.  As soon as we got in the car, I made good use of that bed pan they sent with me.  Thank God for Zofran...but it didn't help me too much that night.  We pulled out of that parking lot with grateful hearts and such a sense of relief.  We serve an awesome God whom I know was watching over us all that night.  Praise God for watching over all my babies!  
      Since last Thursday I have kept my feet up as much as possible.  And took lots of naps.  Thank God for all the help I have had.  Cody was able to take off work a couple days to help.  Momma, Nana, and Rhonda took turns coming over to clean and bring food.  I have never been so grateful.  If you know me, you know I am always busy doing something around the house.  SO it was difficult to be so still and allow them to do so much.  I have the best family and husband in the world.  And I am so appreciative for all they have done for us this week!  We are finally feeling more ourselves and my Dax and Paislee are feeling much better!  Thank God!  I just wish this nausea would hit the road and my energy would show back up from her long vacay.  Now, Daddy is sick, so we are having to take care of him.  I love this beautiful snow, but I am dying to know the genders of the twins!  The guess on ultrasound last week was boy/girl.  That is my guess too...but I am dying to know for sure!  It looks like we may still be snowed in tomorrow and won't make our appointment, yet again :(.  We are hoping we will be able to get in this weekend, because I don't think I can wait another week!  How did people do it before Precious Views came along? :)
      I hope you all are enjoying your snow days at home this week!  I hope you are eating lots of snow cream, getting rest, cuddles from your babies, or practicing making babies ;)  Hopefully there will be an update next week announcing genders of these twinkies!  Thanks as always for reading and sharing!  
     
     
   

Mommy Guilt

      We all know the feeling.  I'll never forget the time I felt that snub little emotion for the first time.  I was standing in the nursery of my unborn twins.  My belly was rather large, as I was around 7 months pregnant.  I took a look around the room and tears flowed down my cheeks.  The reason sounds very cheesy, but it was a legit reason in my mommy mind.  On Paislee's pink side of the room, she had more stuffed animals lined up than Hudson did on his blue side.  I felt so guilty.  You know the kind...mommy guilt.  It's the worst.  I immediately called my mother and told her I HAD to go to Bowling Green that night to get Hudson another stuffed animal for the nursery.  Through my tears,  I heard a few faint giggles that she tried to disguise.  She blamed it on the hormones.  I didn't care what it was.  But I had to make it right.  So what did I do?  I waddled into Dillards and spent $20 on the cutest little brown stuffed puppy that I could find.  As I placed it on the blue side of the nursery that night, I felt relief.  You see, my biggest fear as a twin momma, was that one would feel left out.  I always wanted them to feel equally loved and adored.  I would spend my whole life making sure that happened.  Then, Dax came along.  He was my singleton.  I worried he would feel left out because he didn't have a twin. So I feel like I have spoiled him even worse.
      As I scroll through my news feed on Facebook, I see it all the time.  Mommy wars.  Conversations, arguments, offensive statuses and blog posts.  Breastmilk vs. Formula.  Stay at home vs. Working Mommas.  Vaccinations vs. Non Vaccinations.  Organic vs. (Normal) Food.  Natural vs. Conventional Childbirth.  The thing is every mother is faced with each of those choices for their child.  And the fact is, most all of us have our child's very best interest at heart.    Since when is it ok to build ourselves up by tearing other mommas down?  Let's be honest...we all judge sometimes.  I know I do.  I sometimes question in my mind why mother's don't try harder to breastfeed when I see them get formula out for their newborn.  I wonder why some would rather pay a babysitter and go into the workforce instead of staying home with their children.  But you know what? ...I don't know their hearts or their situation.  It is not my business or my place to judge.  In all reality, we know there is no such thing as the perfect mother.  But you know what?  There are a million ways to be an awesome one.  We often beat ourselves up.  And when we aren't doing that, we are putting other mommas down.
      If you are for "natural" childbirth, that is awesome!  But don't shame the tired mother that opted for an edipural.  I have experienced both sides, and I don't think it makes you more of a woman by not getting some relief.  We are human.  That amount of pain isn't fathomable until you are in the moment.  Get drugs, you deserve it.  :)   But if you went through it completely natural,  I am reaching through my laptop right now and patting you on the back.  You rock, Momma!  Just my opinion.  And those that are debating vaccinations.  Just stop.  No one is going to completely agree on the subject.  We all google and see scary things, but I don't think anyone knows the "right" answer on that topic.  There are still a couple shots that my children have not received because I didn't see it necessary.  We also decided to delay others, just to be safe.  But think of it this way,  the mother you are preaching to about vaccinating their child, may have another child in their family with autism.  They may have a fear that THEIR decision as a mother caused that.  And that may just be the deciding factor in their decision.  Like I said before, we are all doing the best we can.  Stop judging and start uplifting.  
      Last week I heard a report on the news that Kraft Singles cheese is one factor away from being plastic.  I freaked out a little.  Shit!  I have been feeding my kids plastic sandwiches.  I am a horrible mom!  So I went to Sams, and bought "real" cheese and lunch meat without carcinogens.  Kraft tastes much better, but at least I can count cheese off of my conscience.  Now that I am pregnant I analyze everything.  I feel guilty when I have a tuna sandwich or a glass of tea.  Mercury AND caffeine?  How could you, Andi?!?  Most of the time, my house is a disaster, yet I feel like I clean and do laundry all of the time.  When I am cleaning,  I feel guilty because I am not sitting down with the kids.  But when we are playing and there are dishes stacked up,  I feel bad for not having the housework done.  Ugh!  When does it end?  Here's the thing...there just are not enough hours in the day.  Some days, the dishes will be done and other days the sink will be overflowing.  And I'll just be honest with you and with myself , the laundry will NEVER be caught up.  But you know what, my priorities are in order.  I take care of 3 small children and am growing 2 more inside of me.  I cook most of their meals.  BUT,  we also have lots of slushies and corn dogs too.  I cook broccoli, beans, and carrots...but we do Mcdonalds sometimes too.  I like to think that I am expanding there palette.  ;)  Sometimes, we don't read books or practice our handwriting...because I am tired.  Some days we watch too many movies because I am puking from all the morning/all day sickness.  Regardless, of how awesome our day has went...at bedtime every night...I tend to analyze every decision I made that day.  

-"You let them have too many sweets today."
-"Did they brush their teeth enough?"
-"You shouldn't have yelled."
-"You should take them to the library more...you've never done that."
-"You shouldn't say shit in front of them."
-"Where did my 4 year old learn to twerk?  You should really work on that."
-"You should spend more one on one time with the hubby.  You really should have sex more often."
-"You shouldn't text during the day or answer emails.  Be present 24/7."
-"You should make more healthy meals."
-"Why can't you be organized like other mom's.  You are a mess and so is your car."
-"Dax ate half a crayon today...you shouldn't have let him color that valentine."

.....The list is never-ending.  Mommas, you feel me?

      But you know what?  I woke up this morning and I kept 3 sweet babies happy and their bellies were full.  We made valentines and had cheesy potato soup for lunch.  Even though their is a whopping pile of laundry sitting next to me...we did clean one bedroom today...AND the kitchen.  We built forts this week out of old quilts and beach towels.  We did foot massages and Paislee did my makeup.  We have laughed, we have danced in our pj's, and we've cuddled a lot.  We have made chocolate chip pancakes and took turns stirring.  So instead of feeling so guilty tonight, I am gonna trade it in for a cookie or a pickle. ;)

      As momma's we all have something in common.  We are all part of a common sisterhood.  Why are we constantly battling each other?  Little things throughout our day, already trigger the mommy guilt.  We shouldn't be bringing that feeling to fellow mommas.  It's not fair.  Why can't we just say "good job, momma."  Why can't we just offer a smile instead of an opinion?  I have seen first hand this week, that little girls can be mean at a very young age.  You know why?  We are setting that example.  They hear their mothers and other women they look up to, constantly gossiping and judging other mommas because they do things different.  I once heard a quote that stood out to me and made me really think.  "You teach your child to either love like you love or hate like you hate."  Let's raise our kids to LOVE not hate.  Encourage not argue.  Let's set an example, mommas.  Stop the momma shaming.  Let's start showing each other mutual respect.  We are all on the same team.   And let's try to let go of the guilt a little more often.  As always, thanks for reading and sharing my totally random web of thoughts.  Love and God bless!  
   

The time it didn't stay...

      Between the sickness this pregnancy has brought along and the exhaustion associated with the first trimester, blogging has been a hard priority to juggle.  We had a little scare last week with some bleeding, but after an ultrasound and visit with Dr. Gass, our fears were eased and the babies looked beautiful and healthy!  Praise God!  We also got an awesome surprise last week when we got to visit Natasha at Precious Views to get an HD peek at our twinkies.  These new ultrasounds she is doing are AH-MAZING, and so is she!  Check out the peek we got last week...

      We get to see them again next week and I can hardly wait to see how they have grown!  Last week their heart rates were 176 and 167.  I am 10 weeks now, and this pregnancy is FLYING by way faster than my other 2 pregnancies.  Probably because my other 3 littles are keeping me on my toes all the time!  I have been super sick, super constipated (gross I know), and VERY emotional.  I never remember being this emotional with my other 2 pregnancies.  More people have hurt my feelings and made me bawl my eyes out for hours...and they don't. even. know it.  But my babies do and Cody does too, poor guy.  He tries to understand why I am crying, but half of the time it doesn't even make sense.  My sweet Paislee rubs my back and tells me it's ok.  How precious is that?  The boys don't even really notice.  Pretty typical, guys, huh?  Haha.  
      Now that I am starting to show, I get a variety of reactions from strangers.  The comments that seems to be most common are "Are you crazy?" and "Doesn't your husband know what causes that?" I just smile and give a fake laugh most of the time.  What they don't realize is that, I, too, have a keen sense of humor with just a tad of sarcasm.  I have lots of responses that pop in my mind when I hear those comments, but I don't want to be rude or make anyone feel uncomfortable with my smarta$$ness.  <<<<<Is that a word?  I would, however, love to see the look on their faces if I did respond by saying, "Actually my husband watched my  friend Christine get me pregnant this time around."  Haha!  
      But enough about that...the topic of this blog is a piece of my past.  All that you all have read have been positive stories about our fertility struggles and triumphs with IVF.  The official statistics for an average IVF cycle have a success rate of 40-50% per cycle.  According to our past cycles, we have been very successful.  We have gotten pregnant 3 out of 4 times.  I realize that is so awesome that the odds and blessings have been in our favor 75 % of the time.  We serve an awesome God who heard our cries and healed our broken, empty arms and hearts.  But there was that one time, when it wasn't OUR time...and it simply wasn't meant to be...
      After having Hudson and Paislee, I felt so complete and happy.  I never really felt the NEED to get in rush to have another.  We lived in the moment and thoroughly enjoyed every milestone.  I will never forget the day that I felt like it was time to start trying again.  It was September.  It was a beautiful crisp, early fall day.  Hudson, Paislee, and I were at the park and I was pushing them on the swings.  I don't know what it was, maybe the fact that they were 2 and a half...or the change of seasons.  But I just knew it was time.  I called the fertility clinic and set up a consult for Cody's fall break.  We hit the ground running and didn't look back.  Our doctor convinced us that since we were so young and so successful, that we should only transfer 1 embryo that time.  We didn't argue.  We loved our twins so much...but I longed for the desire to experience a single, full term baby.  Cody and I also agreed on another factor...we would keep this cycle a secret from everyone...including family.
      When you experience infertility and go through something like IVF, everyone, including those close to you, are prepared for each step of the process.  It is all a build up.  The hormones, injections, egg retrieval, ultrasounds, did I mention injections???  Then you have the embryo transfer, the wait, and the pregnancy test.  If you didn't already know, I am an open book.  I will pour my whole heart out to a complete stranger and tell her my fertility story within minutes of meeting.  Nothing secretive about this gal.  I've always saw those sweet little pregnancy surprise videos on youtube and Facebook and had just a tad bit of jealousy.  We have never gotten to surprise anyone with news like that...they always were prepared and saw it coming.  So...the plan was to keep it a secret and tell our families at Christmas.  Boy was that a hard secret to keep.  Especially from my momma.  I told her everything.  Emily, my aunt and my nana, the best secret keeper EVAHHH knew, and they were sworn to secrecy.  We went through the WHOLE thing, without spilling the beans.  We transferred one beautiful embryo.  We had such high expectations.  Even the embryologist and our doctors told us they would be "shocked" if we were not successful.   4 days after my transfer, Cody was giving me my nightly injection in my hip when I burst into tears without warning.  He thought he had hit the bone or something when he heard my sudden outburst.  "IT....DIDN'T...WORK!"  I finally after many ugly tears.  I knew it.  Mommas know things.  I cannot explain it...but I knew in my heart that our baby didn't stay this time.  I called my nana and told her what I'd just revealed to Cody.  I wanted so badly for her response to be, "Oh, I'm sure it worked!  Don't be upset, honey...it's still early...you don't know that."  Or..."I have a good feeling about it!"  All I heard on the other end of the line was silence through my tears.  You see...she knew too.  She did not tell me what I wanted to hear that night.  Instead...she told me the truth.  She said she had been praying so hard for this to work for us.  And let me tell you, girls...my nana is the most Godly woman I know.  She is pretty tight with the big guy upstairs.  She said after praying without ceasing...she never felt a peace come over her like she did when she felt like her prayers were answered.  Sometimes, God doesn't always say, "yes."  
      This is the same way that I felt.  So what did I do?  I broke down and called my momma.  I told her everything and she was in shock and impressed that we had kept it all a secret.  But she did what she is good at...she built those spirits back up.  She kind of got me excited.  At times...being around my mother is like walking into a room and being greeted by one of those crazy wild yorkie dogs.  She's a whole lot of personality, but guaranteed to get you out of the dumps.  SO she believes it DID work...and I started to believe her...just a little bit.  I took early HPT's and saw nothing but the ugliest white I have ever seen.  The day came for my blood test.  Waiting for that call seemed like 10 days.  My nurse finally called around 3:30 that afternoon.  My heart raced when I heard the phone ring.  But I knew when I heard the tone in her voice, that my suspicions were right.  My heart broke.  It broke even more to call and tell Cody and then my family that knew.  It was also hard because no one really even realized that my heart was breaking, because they didn't know what was even going on, due to our secret plan.  
      The fact is, that yes, we already had a beautiful boy and girl.  We were VERY blessed.  I knew all of that.  And if I didn't have H and P, it would have been MUCH harder to deal with.  But I still felt such a sense of loss.  My body had failed me.  It had not accepted the one thing I wanted so badly.  I had been poked and prodded for months.  I had watched on the screen while they placed that sweet embryo inside of me.  I knew that it was there, surrounded by all of my love.  And now I had to face the reality that my baby was gone.  It didn't stay.  I would never get to see that heartbeat or know whether it was a boy or girl.  Though, I have never experienced a miscarriage, I feel like this experience was pretty close to just that.  We have lost 3 of our embryos, and I know...without a doubt...that they are waiting for me in Heaven.  
      So that, my friends, is why I never, ever, want to transfer "just 1" again.  With IVF, you put your body and soul through so much.  I would have much rather have gotten a phone call telling me I was pregnant with twins, than not pregnant at all.  I know this was all part of God's perfect will and plan for our lives.  And though that was a sad time, I had 2 sweet babies that helped heal momma's heart.  I feel like that experience was God's way of opening my eyes to having more than one set of multiples.  God was also preparing us for our next blessing...sweet baby Dax...whom we would conceive 2 short months later.  

Thank you all for allowing me to open my heart and share our fertility journey with all of you.  I am so humbled to have such an awesome support system!  Can't wait to tell the next leg of our journey and update you on the twinkies along the way!  Thanks for reading and SHARING!  :)
   

Bad Mommy Award

      So the last couple weeks have been anything but glamorous.  I have worn barely any makeup when I have to leave the house, and my wardrobe consists of my old yoga pants and pullover sweatshirts.  When I am at home, an oversize tshirt and no bra is how I roll.  There is something about all that puking, that makes you not wanna get too fancy.  Several people, including my doctors have told me I look very pale or sick, you know, just a nice way to tell me what I already know.   That I look like shit.   I know my hubby is secretly hoping this phase passes soon ;)...even though he won't admit it.  These hormones can be pretty scary...and he knows not to go there.  He has been pretty awesome about letting me nap when he gets home, pregnant sleep is the best sleep.  But sometimes it's hard to sleep with a 30 pound baby beside you, especially when H and P end up piling in the bed too.  Cody has also been getting me nerd slushies from Sonic on demand.  I swear, this past Tuesday, it was the only thing I drank that didn't come back up soon after.  My choice in meals is dwindling down because so many things have made me sick.  I begged for hot fingers from Zaxbys a few days ago, and they were amazing! They hit the spot!  But, sister, let me tell ya...they did NOT taste good coming back up.  My nose was still burning the next day.  Yuck!  Enough about the puking, Andi. 
       Right now, I am 8 weeks and my belly has already started to pop out a little.  I got my final ultrasound and appointment with our fertility clinic this week.  Our sweet babies are growing right on target!  Their little heartbeats were strong and the sweetest little flickers ever.  My heart could've bursted with love!  Even though this aint my first rodeo, it is just as exciting!  How blessed am I that I get to experience twins again?  I cannot get over it.  Everything was so exciting with H and P, because they had each other.  I think every sibling should have a twin ;).  My poor Daxie Poo may be my only singleton.  But, don't worry...he'll have lots of siblings to keep him company.  And he may be a little extra spoiled.  He is 15 months tomorrow and he STILL takes a bottle.  Go ahead.  Judge me.  You know you want to.  He also hogs our bed in the middle.  No sleep training for that little dude.  Did I mention everyone in this house spoils him a little too much? :) Anyways, back to my story.  Last visit with Nashville Fertility.  Bittersweet.  I love all of our doctors and nurses there!  Especially the crazy blood draw lady, who always gets it on the first stick.  I assured them that we would, indeed be back for our other 4 embryos in the future.  They are awesome, but expensive babysitters for our little frost babies.  I am going to be getting a plan soon on weaning off of my intramuscular shots in the next month.  WOOHOO!  My hips will be so glad!  They are so sore lately from being poked and prodded nightly!  The hubby was also happy to hear that the "no sex" rule had finally been lifted.  The one thing that is supposed to "get you pregnant"  is a "no no" often times in the world of fertility treatments and early pregnancy thereafter.  The staff said they'd miss me and they were even so sweet to give me a "going away" gift.  Another large medical bill.  How sweet of them! :)  I am glad that all of those countless Nashville trips are now behind us.  I think I could get to Charlotte Avenue in my sleep.  I like the drive to my OB in Bowling Green much better.
      January is one of my favorite months.  Everyone thinks I am crazy when I say that.  It is one of the only times of the year I slow down a little with my photography.  I love my job, but being with my kids is my favorite.  I have awesome clients who I love, but you won't find me at my studio from 9-5 during the week.  That's not the most important aspect of my life.  Being a momma is.  We love to be home in the winter time.  We stay in our jammies, do lots of cuddling, play in the floor, work on our handwriting, and make lots of messes.  Life seems to slow down in the wintertime...and I like it.  We are homebodies around here.  It is also hitting me that this is our "last January" with H and P at home during the day.  Next year, they will be in school.  That statement is a hard pill to swallow.  I have cried at the thought of it more than once this week.  I know I will still have Dax at home and TWO newborns to keep me company...but they are my first babies.  And I will miss them terribly.  Homeschooling is still in the back of my mind...even though Cody and my mother think that's simply a terrible idea on my part.  I guess they want them to learn something. ;)  When you are at home all day, believe it or not, it is HARD to keep your house clean.  I have been taking it one room at a time.  Thank God my sweet friend, Jennifer came last week and helped me with my Christmas mess.  Mom also came on Sunday and we gave my cabinets a good cleaning and threw away 6 garbage bags full! I read one of my favorite Christian blogs this week about stay at home mommas.  It clearly stated that you should be a faithful servant in your home and should be doing your wifely/motherly duties by keeping your house tidy.  That's a nice thought...but it is crap.  Sorry Proverbs 31, I do not agree with you.  Though, I agree you should have the happy heart of a servant...it is not sinful to have a messy home.  It happens.  In fact, it is nearly IMPOSSIBLE to keep your house tidy when you have more than one child at home playing and demanding snacks and zippy cups around the clock.  As mommas, we do the best we can.  But, your kids should always come first.  Laundry can wait.  If you don't believe me, FaceTime me tomorrow and I'll show you my whopping piles ;).
     There is never...EVER a dull moment with a 1 year old and 2 4 year olds.  Today we had a little drama and break down, that was quite amusing.  If I had caught it on video,  I have a feeling we would've had yet another viral video...I'm not kidding either.  All day, Dax has tried to dump plates and cups AND tried to get into the potty to splash.  Tonight, he thought he would "one up" me.  Our little dog, Gidgit, has been inside due to the cold temperatures.  So tonight, I thought Dax was crunching on spilled Cheerios, but I was wrong.  He had a huge handful of dog food he was crunching on, and he loved it.  I tried to unclench his teeth to get it out, but it was impossible.  I tried my best, all while Hudson was bawling his eyes out and screaming at me to do something.  He is a tad overprotective and freaks out if he thinks Dax is in harm.  He threw a huge fit and told me "I was a BAD...BAAAAADDDD MOMMY!"  All because I "let" Dax eat Dog food and I didn't scream and freak out along with Hudson.  I didn't call poison control.  It was one handful,  I know it wasn't gonna hurt him.  Every kid needs a little dog food now and then...good protein.  Kidding.  I hope you hear the sarcasm in my voice.  Atleast he worries and is protective.    Gotta love him.
      I could BLOG another hour, but I tend to be sicker at nighttime, and I've had to take a couple breaks already to go hurl.  Atleast we know those sweet babies are healthy!  We are so blessed and I will take every symptom that I get.  Next week I will be blogging about our second IVF cycle that as unsuccessful, you won't wanna miss it.  Thanks always for reading faithfully and SHARING!  LOVE you all! :)

New Year's Eve...Momma Style

      Blame it on Christmas.  Blame it on our busy holiday schedule.  Blame it on exhaustion.  Shame. On. Me.  It has been 2 weeks since my last blog post and I give you my deepest apologies!  Most of you all have been keeping up with us on FB and know we have such exciting things going on around here.  I meant to blog last night, but I fell asleep. And I threatened my husband when he tried to awake me from my pregnant slumber. The past couple of weeks I have been haunted by a couple of poltergeists named nausea and vomitting.   They will not leave me alone.  When I lay my head on the pillow and when my feet hit the floor in the mornings, there they are.  Though I am very sick this time around, I am counting that as a blessing.  Because, you see, there are TWO sweet babies growing and making momma's hormone levels hit the roof.  We are so excited to be experiencing the gift of twins yet, again.  I feel like I am walking on cloud 9.  The fact that this summer, I will be a momma of FIVE kiddos five and under is so exciting!  I know, I may or may not have lost my mind.  But we are looking forward to the challenge.  Paislee has told me several times that she was really hoping for 3 babies, but 2 would be just fine.  :)
      Since Christmas we have been so busy!  The day after, we went for our ultrasound.  After calling 3 different times, I finally talked to a nurse that agreed to book my ultrasound earlier than planned!  Yay!  Please don't be mad at me, sweet nurse, Kellie! ;)  I am so glad that she did.  I knew in my heart there were 2 in there.  But I was so nervous about seeing both heartbeats.  My sweet IVF buddy calmed my fears through email that morning.  My fear was that we wouldn't see them yet, since it was so early, and then I might have a panic attack.  But, we did.  And though this isn't my first rodeo, it was just as exciting to see both of those little flickers on the screen.  My heart was so happy and at peace.  Our doctor entered the room shortly after to discuss our visit with us.  She asked if we were upset it was twins again.  She said that sometimes patients are upset at that news.  Are you kidding me?  Anyone goes down the road of fertility should NOT be mad or upset when they find out they are carrying more than one.  You should feel blessed, that is all.  Beggars can't be choosers.  I would much rather have 10 babies than no babies at all.  My loving and impatient mother waited for us downstairs and entertained the kiddos.  They anxiously awaited the news when we stepped off of the elevator.

Their little faces were priceless when we told them the news!  We go back for another ultrasound next week.  And THEN...I will get to go see Dr. Gass.  Have I mentioned that we love him? Best OB ever!  We always look forward to seeing him and his sweet nurses each visit.  They are the best!  With twins, also comes many ultrasounds.  I am looking forward to seeing my little beans often!  Cannot wait to find out the genders! Already working on those creative baby names! ;)

      The days that followed the ultrasound consisted of my poor little man, Hudson getting sick.  A trip to a Cheer Competition at Opryland, and a short mini vacay to the mountains with my sweet in laws.  We took our triple stroller along with us and everyone that passed told us how full our hands must be.  I loved to see the looks on their faces when we responded by telling them we were expecting twins.  Some looked shocked, others congratulated us, and the rest, well they thought we were joking.  You know how Justin Timberlake brought sexy back?  We wanna make big families "cool" again.  If we have to drive an ugly church van, we will rock it. :) Anyways,  I was sick a lot...I ate a lot...and my phone was dead most of the time.  And I loved that.  No trivia crack for me.  This gal loves it when her phone goes dead.  No distractions.  By the way, if you play trivia crack, DELETE it.  Yes, mother in law I am talking to you.  Yes, mom, you too.  It will suck your life away and you will be glued to an electronic device 24/7.  Just don't do it, friends, lol.  Don't go to the dark side.  Did I mention that I let my phone die pretty often?  I say this all while my uptight hubby is frantically searching for my charger and fussing at me for not charging it, lol.  He seems to think that is irresponsible.  He's no fun at all.  Gotta love him.  My Paislee won her competition and did such an awesome job.  She is coached by the best, Ms. Drew Bewley, we love her.  My Nashie felt better and got to swim and have fun, and Dax was super baby and just went with the flow.  We had a great time,  but we are all so glad to be back at home tonight.  We had to get a little wild and crazy on New Year's like we always do.  I say this, while I am sipping lemonade out of my batman cup.  We had hot dogs and cheese dip in the middle of the living room floor while watching New Year's Rockin Eve and having our own little dance party.  My kids have moves!  They get it from their momma, lol!  But you know we may need to work on them when we have to yell "NO pelvic thrusting!"  Haha!  I cuddled my Dax and fed him too much cheese dip,  brushed tangles out of Paislee's damp hair, and fixed my Hudson a hot dog just how he likes it.  And I did this all with the man I love.   The man I love to tease and the man who I annoy to get me snacks every hour.  The man who has changed more poopy diapers this week and cleaned up my puke when I can't aim perfectly at the toilet bowl.  I don't give him enough credit sometimes.  Oh how our New Year's Eves have changed since having kids.  It's a far cry from the bar hopping and clubbing we used to do several years ago.  Those were the days.  Don't freak out, Nana...it is a joke.  Ok...so I lied.  Never, have I ever done those things on New Years, lol.  Had to add a little excitement.  I have always been an old soul and a little boring, I guess.  Every other New Years's that I can remember have been spent on the couch with Cody watching the ball drop.  The kids made it til 10 pm.  Woohoo!
      Mommas, if you happen to be out bar hopping or spending New Year's Eve with someone other than your family and kids, then shame on you.  Yeah, I said it.  2014 will never be here again.  Why not ring in the new year with your little people.  They should be the most important part of your life anyways, and it's their holiday too, remember that.  The glory days are over.  Throw on an oversize t shirt and stay in the comfort of your own home.
      I look over my life this past year and I feel so much love it hurts.  Things have almost been so good, that you worry that it's your turn for something bad to happen to you.  The scariest part about having so many children is that each time, my heart gets split into even more pieces.  My heart will soon be in fifths.  And I know one day, many years from now, they will all be out on their own celebrating New Years Eve.  I can only hope and pray that the values and morals we are instilling in them, they will carry throughout their lives.  I know I will worry and I will pray for them.  And maybe, I can be that fun mom.  And they will all wanna be piled up at home eating junk food with me.  A momma can wish, right? ;)  My New Year's Resolution is to get more organized and be present.  I feel like that is the best gift you can give.  Be present, make eye contact when having conversations...even if it is about a unicorn or ninja turtles.  They know when you are listening and when you aren't.  And if we don't listen to the "little things,"  they may not tell us the "big things" later on.  And let's be honest, I have got to get more organized since I am going to soon be a momma a 5.  My sweet friend is coming this week to help me start with my house.  I PROMISE I will keep my blog going weekly, whether I have to peel my eyes open or not.  Please continue to pray for our new sweet babies that they will continue to be healthy.   Thanks, as always, for reading and SHARING my jumbled mess of thoughts.  I wish each of you a very HAPPY and BLESSED New Year!  Love you all, mean it!

I'm dreaming of an Early Ultrasound

      So the verdict is in...we are officially pregnant!  Yay!  Even after all of those countless 15 pregnancy tests, it felt awesome to have my nurse call and confirm it!  I was very anxious to see what my levels were.  With Hudson and Paislee they were 381, with Dax they were 301, this time....1,476. Yeah, you read that right... one thousand...four hundred seventy six.  When she told me that number I broke into a cold sweat and thought I might just pass out or throw up...one of the two.  You see, though those numbers prove nothing, your HCG levels after IVF can give you a hint if you may be carrying multiples.  In my case, I can bet you I probably am.  I am thinking it's twins.  My mom says triplets, and Paislee and Hudson say it's 4.  Haha!  Not funny. :)  My nurse told me that since my initial numbers were so high, she expected my levels to rise by about 1/3 in 48 hours.  Multiples do not scare me.  I am ready for the challenge and would love to get to experience twins again!  Yesterday I got the call that they had came back a little higher.  4,074.  They almost quadrupled!  YAY! This is good news, though.  It means that they are rising,  which indicates very healthy baby/babies.  I knew my levels have to be high! I am weepy, exhausted and STARVING.  Seriously, Taco Bell came to town at the best time ever! I go for my final blood level check tomorrow.  Praying for good results then as well!  Ultrasound will be on the 29th.  Oh how I wish they'd do it next week, but no such luck!  I have begged...I have pleaded...I have sweet talked...but no one is budging.  Don't they know it's almost Christmas!  Please, for the love of God, tell me if I need to be in the market for one of those ugly Church/airport shuttle vans.  Trust me, we know that's in our future.  And that is totally fine.  But I am hoping to get a few more years out of my suburban first! :)  
      The holidays are next week, and I am hoping we don't get any negative/rude feedback about adding onto our family.  Apparently, sometimes people aren't as excited as you when it's your 4th or 5th baby.  Call me crazy, but I think your 4th baby deserves just as much excitement and happiness as your first.  And we are so excited...all of us!   Paislee, my chatterbox, told me tonight that she was so excited to be a big sister again...and that she was very thankful for that.  And she was thankful for her 2 brothers too.  That made my heart so happy and made me a little teary eyed.  Tonight at dinner a nice little old man was joking and was telling us just "how full our hands" were.  He proceeded to jokingly tell us that all we needed was a couple more kids.  Haha!  I told Cody he should've told him that there were actually a couple in the oven at the moment.  Anytime I go to the grocery with the kids or to the mall, I get told, "better you than me,"  or "boy, you sure have your hands full."  Others just stare at me like I have 3 heads.   You're right, I am so glad that it's me instead of you.  I am mommy.  And right now, I...Mommy, am the most important person in their lives.  Not meaning to knock Daddy...he's pretty important too.  But being a mommy to them during these years in their lives is irreplaceable.  When my sons are older they will one day have a wife who will love them and take care of them.  But right now,  I am their person.  I am Paislee's bestest friend.  I am their mommy.      And I love them more than anything in the whole world.  And yes, my hands are full, but my heart is exploding with love that only a mother knows.  I know most are being kind and making conversation.  I just am anxious to what those reactions might be when they see a baby bump underneath my baby on my hip.  And those negative opinions and comments?  They simply do not matter.
        Not to sound ugly in any way, but Cody and I don't have to give an explanation every time someone asks us "why" we are having another baby.  We shouldn't feel like we are being interrogated and having to scramble for an alibi.  You see, our IVF story is quite long and there are always lots of questions, (which I am open to).  I know it isn't a decision for everyone.  Some people think one is enough and three are too many.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  Here is mine.  This is simply that path that God has chosen for us.  And I will forever be grateful.  The thing is, one day Cody and I will be gone.  Our kids will have to grieve at our graves.  Pretty depressing statement, I know.  But they will not be alone.  I know one day, hopefully a long time from now,  when I leave this world they won't be alone.  They will have 5 or more best friends for life.  Atleast that is my goal as their mom.  I want to raise them to always be close.  The bigger our family gets, we may not always get to go on fancy vacations.  Our kids may never get to have their own bedroom or a big house.  Money may, at times, be tight.  But I do know one thing, there will always be plenty of love.  There will always be someone to break up a fight, help tie shoes, and wipe away tears.  The world we live in can be so cold and far from God.  But I am hopefully raising a little army of people that will always love him and love eachother.  And I guarantee you, that may just make life a little easier.  And those little people...might just help make this cold world a little bit warmer.
      Yesterday, my nurse gave my due date.  I am due August 21st.  I was excited but I panicked a little.  You see, we planned this all out this time with the "perfect timing."  I started injections in July and we were supposed to be due to have a baby/babies in May/June of 2015.  Perfect!  It would give us time to settle in and get used to a new routine before H and P start kindergarten.  Gosh, that's so hard for me to type.  Girls, I am seriously gonna need therapy for that milestone.  All of our worlds are gonna be rocked and I am just as attached to them as they are to me.  They are with me...every day.  No daycare...no preschool...just us.  Oh, how I will miss them when they start school.  I may have to have them be "sick" pretty often...or call in a couple bomb threats.  KIDDING!  The kids tell people that "they are gonna try it for a year, and see how it works out."  Don't think I won't yank them out and homeschool.  We just can't tell my husband, ok? ;)  Getting off topic...again!!! Are you surprised?  Anyways, we realized the week before our transfer that Cody was giving me a wrong dosage of one of my meds for a couple of weeks.  I cried, cussed a little, and took a hot bath.  Cody frantically called my doctor on call and I sent all the IVF nurses I could find on FB a message and stalked them.  I knew it has screwed everything up.  It was both of our faults...simply a miscommunication.  But it was a disappointing, very expensive mistake.  Which led to a mental breakdown and a couple extra months of hormones.  So, we had our transfer a few months later and here we are.  I am obviously, not the best at math either.  I thought my due date would be September.  But no...August 21st.  I laid in bed last night and had a slight panic attack.  I.  CANNOT. ... will not...MISS...their first day of kindergarten.   I broke into a cold sweat and had a little labored breathing just thinking about that.  I never want Hudson, Paislee, or Dax to feel like I am not always there for them.  I never want them to feel neglected in any way.  I want them to know they are valued, they are special, and they are loved individually.  The fact is, if it is twins, I will probably have them before August.  And if it's just one, surely I won't go into labor that day.  Atleast, I am praying I won't.  Another thing...I am the most unorganized mom on the planet.  I lose everything and I'd forget my name if it wasn't on my birth certificate...by the way...where is my birth certificate?  I am gonna hire a professional organizer before these babies/baby are born.  
      Worrying about that day, made me start thinking about the twins starting Kindergarten...which made me depressed just thinking about it.  Shew, do any other mommies have these feelings of doom about Kindergarten?  Anyways, after praying about the situation I felt much better.  I realized, as crazy as this may sound, that Satan was trying to steal my joy.  He was trying his best to distract me from the big picture.  My due date shouldn't be an issue.  And I should be ashamed for worrying the week after being blessed so big!  Shame on me.  I have a beautiful, healthy baby/babies growing inside me right now.  Not only is that such a miracle and answered prayer in itself, but Dax is going to get to be very close in age with them.  This is something I have wanted for him so badly.  Hudson and Paislee are super close. And though Dax isn't a twin, I still want him to have a sibling close in age to him.  I want him to have a playmate at home when H and P are at....ahem...tears...School.  August will for sure be crazy and chaotic.  But we will be just fine.  And this situation goes to show, that GOD is in full control.  And I have to not worry and just trust in him completely.  Whether there is 1,2,3, or 4 babies growing inside me as we speak, I can't stop smiling about it.  I am excited and happy! And I cannot wait to see how many...only a week and a half away!  I will keep you guys posted! Thank you for all the prayers and support!  Love you all!  Check back Monday for a special Christmas Mommy blog post!  Thanks, as always, for reading and SHARING! :)
   

So...I peed on a stick

      I'm sorry this post has been delayed.  I have been so tired this week.  It is also distracting to type this while my 4 year old is swinging her pink umbrella all around the house, my Hudson is trying to "wash dishes," and Dax is yelling "ho, ho, ho" every 5 seconds.  My life is quite amusing and chaotic...but I love every minute.  Back to my story...So my bed rest was peaceful.  I slept a lot.  And prayed...A lot.  I watched Hallmark movies and edited pictures too.  My mother in law brought me lunch and I ate every meal in bed, which was nice.  I expected to get a phone call from my mother that someone needed to come get my wild kiddos.   I have to say, when they are together, they can be a handful sometimes.  But they are lots of fun!  She had them for 2 whole days, folks.  I didn't think she could handle it, or break up the fights between the twins, but she did it.  Though they had to FaceTime me a few times to talk about "going to Santa's naughty list" if they didn't behave...they made it.  I missed my babies.  They never stay the night away from home, so I was "homesick" for them.  Friday they were back with me and my sweet cousin India came to help, since I still couldn't lift my Dax.  We had a great day and she was a huge help.  Saturday was a day packed full of activities.  Paislee had a cheer competition and Hudson had his football party with his friends.  I never recommend taking your baby or husband  to a cheer competition without an iPad and lots of snacks.  They will get bored and whine, both of them.  On the way to Glasgow for Hudson's party, I informed Cody that I was indeed, pregnant.  I just knew it.  I had a cold sweat and a wave of nausea.  My boobs even hurt a little.  I just had "that feeling."
      The hardest part about IVF what they call the "2 week wait."  It's a killer.  You drive yourself completely nuts wondering if you are or aren't.  You cry, you pray, ...and you wait.  Then you wait some more.  But something was different this time, I felt such a peace that I can't explain.  And I know why that is.  It is simply because of you.  Yes...you.  All the ones who have prayed for us.  I felt them, and it was overwhelming.  The bible says....to pray without ceasing.
I wondered...but I never worried.  It was like God whispered in my ear to say, "I got this." My sweet Nana says if you feel peace from God...it means your prayer has been answered.  It was quite a miracle in itself, because I'll be honest, I am a worrywart.  I worry all the time.  Especially when it is something that is beyond my control.  But this time, I just felt peace.  I felt God.  I knew his sweet spirit was carrying me through this whole thing, and regardless of the outcome, everything would be just fine.
     During your wait, You are careful not to lift anything or do anything to strenuous.  You guard your belly like you have a ticking bomb under your shirt and any bumps could set it off.  Let me tell you, girls...in my house...I'm in the middle of a war zone.  There are pillows thrown, nerd balls tossed through the air, and sippy cups pitched across the room...all the time.  It also doesn't help that I have a little cheerleader that wants to flip off everything and "stunt" on everyone's shoulders and every piece of furniture we own.  I should've been smart and worn a bullet proof vest to protect my uterus.  Or strapped pillows across me.  But my "big babies" understood that they had to be very easy with mommy and careful around my tummy.  Paislee talked to my belly and rubbed it every hour.  This part made me nervous.  I didn't have the heart to tell her if this didn't work and if my belly happened to be empty.  Hudson and Paislee were so excited!  Dax, on the other hand...he was pissed.  He is the baby of the house and VERY spoiled to me.  He loves to cuddle and be held all the time.  I rock him to sleep...every night.  He did not understand why I couldn't pick him up every time he grunted.  It broke my heart.  But I sat in the floor and still gave lots of cuddles.
      On Sunday morning we went to church, had lunch, and went to my parents to visit.  Cody went to feed his cows and me and the kiddos were just hanging out with Mom and Dad.  All of a sudden, my little man took off walking to me while standing by the couch.  I was in shock, because I didn't expect it to happen that quick and I was not expecting it.  Talk about a special moment.  There is nothing like the excitement and joy in your heart like witnessing your sweet baby's first steps.  There is an old wive's tale that says when a baby walks it is just making way for a new baby.  My Nana told me this an hour or so after Dax walked for the first time.  And a few of my Facebook friends actually commented that under the video I posted that night.  If they only knew how true that "tale" happened to be for me.
      It was 4 days after my transfer.  My blood work is 11 days after, which isn't until NEXT Monday, the 15th.  I've never followed the rules, I always cheat and take a test, but never that early.  But I couldn't resist.  I peed on a stick when I got home.  "Yuck, Mom, what are you doing?  Will that tell us if you have babies in your belly? Gross, I am never having kids,  that is disgusting."  Yep, that's word for word advice from my 4 year old.  Did I mention there is NEVER, ever a dull moment?!?  So, I didn't see anything but one big fat line, so I put it down and got the kids ready for bed.  But...I went back to peek again a few minutes later.  Is that what I think it is?  No, it's just my mind playing tricks on me.  I knew it wouldn't show up this soon.  So I yelled for Cody for a second opinion.  He wiggled it around and squinted really close.  "Yup, that's definitely 2 lines!"  "Oh my God!!! It is?  Are you sure?  You're not sure, are you? Really?  Is it positive?  Oh my God! AAAHHHHHH!!!!"  Then I jump and scream really loud.  In short,  dramatic, turret- like bursts.  <<<< I know I didn't spell that right.  I called my mom, called my mother in law, and made them promise not to tell.  But, ya know how that goes.  What does a girl do when she gets a positive pregnancy test?  She takes 5 more...ya know...just to make sure.  I woke up the next morning and took another one...ok...2 more.  Just to watch that line get darker.  I was so excited and not expecting it to show up so soon! That can only mean one thing, my levels are pretty high.  Which, HOPEFULLY means both embryos took.  Yes, I said hopefully.  We really do want them both, with all our hearts.

      I wondered whether or not I should share the news so soon on FB and my blog.   I decided yesterday, that I would.  Because, here's the thing, I have been an open book with you all from the get go.  You all have supported us, laughed with us, cried with us, and prayed for us.  Talk about an awesome support system.  When I started this blog a couple months ago, I never expected this big of a response.   I did this to bring awareness and be a "voice" for those who are experiencing infertility.  I hoped to share our story so that others wouldn't feel like they were alone in this journey.  I wanted to educate others on the process of IVF so that they could better understand how it all works.  Now, every week. I get countless emails from moms and women who are praying to be moms.  And my heart goes out to all of you.  I know that pain and I feel compassion for all of you.  I love talking and giving advice...or just lending an ear you can talk about it to.  My dream is to take my story and write a book one day.  I know it is a big dream, but it is on my bucket list. ;)  I love documenting everything about our journey, and I love that you all enjoy reading it.  I cannot thank you enough.  But anyways, back to my story.  I am getting off track again.  I decided to share this big news early and I am so glad I did.  I posted this short video to facebook yesterday.  Here is is...

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      Shortly after, we received TONS of sweet words and congratulations.  We are so grateful and excited to hear all of them.  We thank you.  But, sometimes, when you tell people you are pregnant with your 4th or in our case, possibly more, you get blank stares and it becomes a little awkward.  It's almost like you just told them you have cancer, lol.  I do have a sense of humor about this, because sometimes, those reactions are humorous.  Especially when you tell them it was very much planned.  Especially when your mom or mother in law say just how excited we all are.  Some people don't know our story and they just "don't get it."  And that is okay.  But I often wonder why big families are looked upon as a burden to so many people.  Yes, guys, we know raising a family is  expensive.   But so is that fancy vehicle drive. ;)  We will have to make sacrifices and I may or may not have to give up my Matilda Jane habit.  But...Why?  Why are the Duggars scrutinized and made fun of...but the Kardashians are praised and put on a pedestal?  A sweet momma of 5 that I admire so much, Wendee, once told me..."after the 3rd baby, people stop offering congrats."  Why do so many people look at a big family as a big burden?  It just doesn't make sense to me.  I see it as a big BLESSING!  But then again, a lot of people think I am nuts too, haha.
      After dinner last night I see that my best friend is calling me.  One emotion comes to mind...FEAR.  Anyone that knows Alicia knows that she is complete opposite of me.  She's the best.  She is organized...very organized.  She is a planner...and she is getting married in June.  I am going to be a bridesmaid.  I thought, "Oh no,  she is gonna ask me how I plan on fitting into my bridesmaid dress!  Oh, no,  she is gonna be stressing."  But when I answered, all I heard on the other line were sobs.  She was crying because she had just watched the video.  I had already texted her and told her I was pregnant, but the video brought her to tears.  She told me she was so happy and I had been through so much.  She gets me.  She doesn't judge me.  She gets me.  And she is genuinely happy for me and my decision to give all these embryos a chance.  She embraces my chaos.   And she never once mentioned me fitting into my dress or being big and pregnant in June.   And that in itself, makes me want to cry.  One of other best friends, Beth texted me this morning and said the same thing.  Our friends and family know all we've went through and they are so supportive.  Not once, have our parents scolded our decision to have 10 or 12 kids, if that is how many take.  They haven't questioned why?  Or how?  They just love us and support us always.  Which means more to us than they will ever know.
      We have a lot of hoops to jump through and we still need lots of prayers.  We go Monday for bloodwork.  Hopefully my levels will be high and healthy.  Then I have to go every other day to Nashville to get bloodwork and make sure my levels double every 48 hours.  Then on the 29th, we will go for an ultrasound to check heartbeats and see how many are in there.  We hope and pray everything will go smoothly and we will have a happy, healthy, and uneventful pregnancy.  And don't worry...I plan to blog every week.  :)  Thank you always for reading, PRAYING,  and SHARING!  We love you all!