They spent several weeks in the NICU and I had a fear that they might not realize that I was "mommy." Since we didn't get to bond 24/7 those first weeks of their lives. They were nearly 6 months old before I let their daddy drive them anywhere in a vehicle without me. But just for the record, if you knew how many fender benders my man has had...you'd have to agree with that decision. Just kidding, Cody...kinda! Just when I thought I was getting a little more relaxed we decided to have a "date night" when they were a year old. We went with friends to a concert during the CMA festival in Nashville. When it started to get dark, I had the worst feeling ever come over me. I felt the worst home sick I have ever experienced. Just as Jason Aldean was coming out, I informed them that we had to leave at that minute. I'm pretty sure I sprinted all the way down the ramp at LP Field. I HAD to get to my babies! And that my friends, is why we don't do date nights. To this day, I can count on one hand the people I have allowed to watch my children. If you happen to be one of them, consider yourself trusted and loved by us. As I got more serious into my photography career, I bought tickets to a training in Nashville for the day. I was getting ready to leave and a million thoughts started to run through my mind. I just knew I'd be hit by a semi on the interstate and leave my babies motherless. I cancelled 2 hours before the event and lost my money. But in return, I had a peace in my mind, my babies in my arms, and my guts NOT scattered on the side of the freeway. To this day, I get up during the night and feel their chests to make sure they are breathing ok. Before becoming a parent, my worst fear was a car accident, shark attack, or being stuck on an elevator. Now my fears are child molesters, SIDS, childhood cancer, and one of my babies being hit by a car. Along with a long list of other bad things that could happen.
I guess you could add stubborn to one of my lovely qualities as well. When we found out we were going to be parents, I was dead set on doing it ourselves. Don't get me wrong, it "takes a village." I am aware of that. And I am very thankful for our awesome and supportive parents, friends, and family. They are the best! However, I wholeheartedly feel that Grandparent duties are abused often in this decade. Sister, I'm just gonna tell you like it is. When you make the decision to have a baby, it is your responsibility...not yo Momma's...not yo Grandmomma's. That sweet baby is yours to love and yours to raise. That's just my opinion...anyways...getting off topic. Call me old fashioned, but I feel like grandparent's should be able to enjoy their grandkids...and not have to babysit and raise them on a weekly basis.
Cody and I have always made a point for one of us to be with them most of the time. I schedule my sessions when he can watch them in the evenings, and I have been blessed enough to be home during the day since they were babies. I feel like I need to be around at all times to correct them and clean up there messes so others don't have to. Don't get me wrong, sometimes they need to be corrected and disciplined...actually a lot of times. Because, let me tell ya, they can be a WHOLE lot to handle. Sometimes I know our parents are secretly cringing when they see my wild bunch running to the doors, haha! Just for the record, if you aren't in that lovely, tight knit circle, please don't try to parent my children or be rude/hurt their feelings. You don't wanna face my wrath...it aint pretty. I'm kidding...a little bit.
You'd think when the second pregnancy happens...you'd be more relaxed. And I kinda was. His delivery was much smoother and he came home when we did. We had visitors and I enjoyed it...I didn't freak out. He exclusively nursed, so I had a legitimate excuse to have him with me at all times.
We did baby wearing, and he was literally my little titty baby :). When he was 6 months old, our family flew to Chicago for H and P to be on the Steve Harvey show. I, along with my mother, bawled our eyes out on the flight there. "How could I risk the lives of my children by bringing them on an airplane??!?!?!" What a horrible mother! Had I flown before? Absolutely. Several times. Cody, however, had not. We had joked that we would slip him a nerve pill so he would stay calm during the flight. Instead, he was consoling my mess of a self. On the flight home, I swear if an air marshall hadn't been sitting beside me, I would have ran up and down the aisles screaming like a psychotic woman. I wanted to get my babies on the ground ASAP. Will we be flying again anytime soon? Don't think so! ;) On a recent trip to Nashville, I texted my mother a living will via text, just in case Cody and I were hit by a semi. Call it crazy, call it anxiety...but I know I've got it bad.
In less than 2 weeks, I will be giving birth to my 4th and 5th child. To say we are all excited is an understatement. But, I do have my worries too. Imagine that?
How will my Dax adjust? He is the baby and needs me to go to sleep with him every night while we watch "Move it Move it", (Madagascar). Will he really feel like a middle child? Will he feel like he isn't "my baby" anymore? How will H and P do going to Kindergarten with 2 new babies at home? Should I have spent more time reading to them instead of making trips to the park? Will they be respectful and use manners? What if they cuss at school? Please don't let Hudson say the word "winkie"...Will they feel neglected? How will I be able to fulfill all of their needs and wants efficiently and give them all the attention they are used to and deserve...all 6 of them, including my husband. Will I be enough? How will I manage my house and keep my energy up for them? How will sweet Cub and Cozi adjust to our crazy chaos? Dear Lord, I know I need your strength and guidance now, more than ever.
I know what you have to be thinking. I am uptight and overbearing. But I promise I'm actually pretty calm, cool, and collected most of the time. I let them wrestle, get boo boo's, and run around like hoodlums. They play, they have fun. I know this all sounds dramatic, but I know I can't be alone...right?!? All this craziness comes from crazy, unconditional love. My dear husband tells me all the time I need to calm down and relax a little. Especially when we mention Kindergarten. I can't tell you how much I have cried at the thought of this big transition coming soon. You see, I won't be there to make sure they are treated kindly. I won't be there to help them open their juice boxes. I won't be there to console them if they fall on the playground. Someone else will have to take my place for a large portion of their day. I will have to trust that they will be taken care of. I will have to let go of my urge to control everything. The fact is, the world is becoming a scary place to live in. And as a mother, I'm about to have to give them something they aren't used to...independence. And it will be my job to watch them explore from a distance. I have to stand on the sidelines and watch them, cheer for them, and probably witness them get their little hearts broken at some point. As much as I wish I could protect them always, I know I can't. I know I hover. I hover worse than a search and rescue helicopter during a natural disaster. But I will try to do better. Even if I have to self medicate in order to do that...kidding! I joked to Cody that I may have to drive around the parking lot with dark shades and a hat on during recess, to make sure they weren't being picked on, haha! Any little bullies wanting to pick on my babies, take note! I wish I could keep them in a bubble and in my sight at all times, but I know that I can't do that. And it wouldn't be fair to them if I could. t have to put on a brave face for them, and be excited for them too. I have to remember that they were God's first. I need to worry less and pray more. He will protect them and guide them down the paths they should go, and I have to trust him a little more too. And I have heard through the grapevine that their teacher is pretty awesome and nurturing, just what I wanted for them. And, she is a christian...which makes this momma's heart happy!
My sweet momma reminded me last week that I needed to pull myself together and be happy to know that I HAVE children to send to Kindergarten. She is right. How selfish of me to be so worried and upset, when there are parents out there who have lost their children before they even got the chance to experience these milestones? One of my sweet friends, has a child currently battling cancer. She has the best attitude and is so strong all the time. If that happened to me, I'd probably be like I was on the airplane...wanting to run and scream at the top of my lungs. But she doesn't do that. She is always calm and strong for her family. Traits that I pray to inherit as a young mother.
We are at week 35 in this pregnancy. I am HUGE!
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't uncomfortable. And sleep is something of the past, unless it's during the day when my awesome hubby let's me nap. Yesterday, I was measuring 49 weeks and Cub and Cozi were right at 5 pounds each. I have been having contractions on and off. I've been running around like a crazy woman, trying to prepare for their arrival. I did end up at Labor and Delivery this week to be checked. I was told 3 times by my doctor to go, but I toughed it out at home and talked myself out of it. Cody keeps telling me that labor is NOT mind over matter. That if I was in labor, I couldn't talk myself out of it. I just want them to stay put a while longer, so they won't struggle in the NICU. I was having some pretty hard contractions, but not consistent enough to have to stay. I told my nurse I couldn't be in labor...I had school supplies to buy and I promised the kiddos a trip to the water park this week. ;) Thankfully, we got to come home and my babies and their little faces were excited to see us walk back through the door. Don't get me wrong, they had a blast playing at home while their teenage aunts did dubsmash videos and taught them how to "whip and nae nae." I know that has to be more fun than being with their momma all day! Haha! We all cuddled up and went to bed soon after. I am soaking up these last couple weeks with them. I know I can't slow time down, but I will relish the moments. Please pray that we will all transition smoothly to being a family of 7 soon! Yay! That sentence makes me so excited and anxious! I promise I am actually looking forward to visitors and showing them off to our sweet family and friends! Cub and Cozi are already so loved and we can't wait to welcome them into our crazy...not so little, family!
Until next time! Love and baby dust!
