The Birth

       

      Ever heard the term "ignorance is bliss?"  Yeah...well...I was ignorant.  And it was bliss.  Period. I thought the idea of having a baby consisted of a couple different things.  One being an awesome epidural, which would numb me and help me to feel just a little pressure while in labor.  A little pushing while your husband rubbed your feet and fed you ice.  Then there would be beautiful babies in my arms to cuddle and love.  There would be visitors, balloons, and lots of ooooing and ahhhhing over my new bundles of joy.  Ok, now scratch everything I just said...it was a web of lies.  Big FAT ones.  If anyone has ever told you that birthing a child in this world will make you feel "just a little pressure," I give you the permission to go kick them or punch them in the face.  And to all you ladies out there that had a wonderful labor and sneezed a baby out gracefully,  I'm gonna kick you too.  Just kidding!  But, really...I'm jealous.  If you are pregnant, take everything that you are told with a grain of salt.  Do not have expectations, because things probably will not happen like you planned.  I know it didn't for me.
      To my infertile myrtles...I want you to know that I used to think that I would never get to have a birth story.  I had dreamed of it, yes.  Many times.  But there was always that Debbie Downer voice telling me that it would never happen.  Well, turns out that Debbie was Satan's girlfriend.  Don't let her steal your faith.  Don't let her steal your hope.  If you are a "glass is half empty" kinda girl, pull up a seat and let me fill up that cup, sister.  Because I believe that it will happen for you.  And I love you, and I am praying for you.  Just had to say that.  Forgive me, girls, but you know I am random...back to my story.  And if you're a guy reading this, bless you.  But don't read any further.  It may scar you for life.
      So, I was in labor, 8 weeks early.  I was not ready.  Yes, I was so excited to meet my babies, but I knew it was too early for them to be healthy.  We were so worried.  We made our way to labor and delivery and got into a gown, a pretty ugly one.  These were the days before Posh Pushers, so I didn't look so fabulous while in labor. ;) The nurses gave me Magnesium in hopes that would stop my contractions.  They then told me that soon I'd feel like I'd been hit by a semi truck as a side effect.  They were right.  My blood pressure bottomed out and I fainted.  All before doing so, I looked at my mom and told her I was dying.  She isn't the person I should have told that too, anyone but her.  Did I mention my sweet momma was a tad dramatic, lol?  She screamed and cried...she believed me.  I guess the color of my face was convincing.  I was 50 shades of ghost...it wasn't pretty.  But the meds wore off, but the contractions did not stop...they just slowed down.  I had tons of visitors in and out to check on us and my nurses were amazing!  They laughed and cried along with us!  I loved them!  Later that night, there were still no babies.  Dr. Gass made it clear that the hospital would be my new home until they made their arrival.  They anticipated they'd make their arrival within the next 24 hours and advised me to get some rest.  Rest?  Are you kidding me?  I was in LABOR 2 MONTHS EARLY.   I couldn't rest.  My mind was too busy worrying about them.  Something that wouldn't go away, even 4 years later.  I was their mom, it was my job.  SO they told matters into their own hands and gave me some medicine to help me sleep.  I took it and fell asleep, finally.  Only to wake up 2 hours later carrying on a conversation with none other than Tori Spelling.  You got it, she had came to visit, and there were 3 of her.  Can you believe she came all the way from California to see little ole' me?  What a sweetheart that Tori was.  Yep,   I was hallucinating y'all.  And that wasn't too fun either.  So, Cody convinced me that no one was actually in our room but us and the lady that kept coming in every hour to check my blood pressure and stats.  
      The next day...well I am gonna be honest with you.  I don't remember much of the next day.  It was pretty much a blur.  I was exhausted.   Cody was exhausted.  Everyone was exhausted.  The waiting room was full of people that had stayed the night.  They will never know how much their support meant to us.  That day passed and still no babies.  It seemed like 10 days in one.  I hurt and I was tired.  The next morning came and my water broke.  Atleast, at that point we knew that it would't be long before this whole labor thing would be over and my babies would be here.  I got my first epidural.  I knew about 30 minutes later, when I didn't get any tingling in my legs or numbness that something wasn't right.  I got another one.  Same thing, nothing.  My new nurse, which I will not name, was not very nice to me.  She made me cry.  I told her how badly I was nursing and she, very rudely, told me to get over myself and that having a baby was no picnic.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I normally would have given her a piece or two of my mind.  We would've had a little "come to Jesus" meeting right then, right there.  Not that day.  I was all out of fight.  All I had to respond back were tears, silent, but big ones.  But don't worry, Cody told her his thoughts out in the hallway.  So, later they told me, 3 epidurals later, that my curved spine was like that of a hunchback and my membranes were too thick for the epidural to work.  Gee, thanks y'all!  You sure know how to make a gal feel special ;) !   Contractions are of the devil.  They suck.  They hurt, they really reallllly hurt.  If I had one word to describe the pain, I'd have to say ELECRICUTION.  When one hits, it stops you in your tracks and you cannot move, cannot breathe, just have to lay there and consume the unbearable pain.  I felt pressure all right.  The pressure of a bowling ball falling out of me.  Along with a million other pains. 
      The time had finally come...55 hours later...it was time to start pushing.  Yes, that was a long time to labor.  But God's timing was perfect.  You see, the babies needed that extra time to let the steroid shot help develop their lungs.  That long labor, ended up being an answered prayer, and helped my babies tremendously.  While I was pregnant, I had a plan on who I was allowing in the room.  I was selective to who I was going to allow witness all of my lovely lady parts birthing children into the world.  But I ultimately decided that my Husband, my Momma, and my sweet Mother in law Rhonda would be there for the occasion.   They were an awesome team!  Giving birth is messy.  It isn't pretty either.  But let me just say this much. all of your modesty goes out the window during those moments.  I wouldn't have cared if the Pope, himself would've been videotaping.  Who cares?   I'm sure it isn't the first time they've saw a bloody vagina, ya know?  I was more concerned on doing this right and getting my babies here safely.  I really surprised myself.   There was no cursing, no screaming, I was pretty quiet.  I just sobbed.  A lot.  I was focused and was in an immense amount of pain.  I pushed with everything that was in me.  I just knew that I'd die of an aneurism before I got to lay eyes on my boy and girl.  But I didn't.  After about 20 minutes, and an appeasiotomy later...Hudson Nash arrived.  "He is here!"  Everyone kept yelling! 

This is one of the happiest and ugliest moments of my entire life.   I wasn't pretty, but it doesn't matter.  Our faces say it all.  Joy was an understatement.  We were parents.  Thank you, Jesus.

I took one look at this sweet face and lost it.  My cup was overfilled with joy and a love I had never known before.   My baby boy that I was seeing for the first time.  His soft cry sounded like a little lamb and I was in love...so in love it hurt.  I wanted him,  to hug him and kiss him and tell him I was his mommy, his protector, the keeper of his dreams, and the one that would always love him more than anyone in the world.  But I couldn't they took him away immediately and hooked him up to machines. 

I felt heartbroken.  That numbness I wanted to consume my lower body during labor, now consumed my emotions.  But I had to pull it together, my job wasn't done.  5 minutes later and once very long push, Paislee Aspen entered the world...and the world would never be the same.

      There was my girl.  My future best friend.  My sunshine, my girl.  The answer to my dreams of hair bows and shopping trips.  There she was.  She was beautiful, and I wanted to hold her too.  Her cry was louder and feistier.  It reflected her personality already.  Our little firecracker.   But again, she was immediately whisked away for monitoring and oxygen.  

       You know how everyone says, "your mind forgets the pain after birth"?  Yeah, well, thats crap too.  I will never forget that pain.  However, it didn't matter.  Nothing mattered but them.  I'd walk through 10,000 barbed wire fencing with alcohol being dumped on me for them...for the rest of my life.  You, see...when you become a mom, YOU are irrelevant.  You become last.  They become first, and that won't change.  Pain is temporary, but that unconditional love...it's forever.

      Having a baby in the NICU and watching them struggle to breathe isn't fun.  It is heart wrenching.    You feel helpless, and there is nothing you can do for them.  We wanted to be the ones to fully take care of them after birth.  We were their parents.  But we didn't get that luxury.  Let me tell ya, one of the worst sounds in the world is the screams of your child while on IV is being stuck in their head.  Cody was my rock.  I'd never saw him more attractive than when he was rocking one of our babies.  The nurses had to take care of them around the clock and we could visit during certain hours.  We were so blessed with amazing nurses who we still keep in touch with to this day!  They were a God Send and took such great care of our babies.  They will never know the depth of our gratitude to them.  NICU staff, you rock!  I also met one of my very best friends in the whole world, Beth that day.  She happened to have twin boys just 2 days before.  They are now 4 and a half and we talk every week! 

Those first few weeks were the hardest weeks of my life.  It was hard seeing our babies poked and prodded and not being able to bond with them at home like a typical newborn.  But  But we made it.  God carried us through it every step of the way.  I can remember feeling like I was gonna lose it after driving to Bowling Green 3-4 times a day and pumping breast milk to take to each feeding.  I just wanted them home.  But they weren't quite ready.   We were happy and complete when we were with them, but leaving them at night, always left me in tears.  Poop became something to celebrate and breast milk became more valuable than gold.  When the week came for them to come home, I feel like the angels played trumpets in Heaven and God was shining down on us.  Paislee came home a few days before her brother, which was bittersweet.  I bawled like a baby as we pulled out of the hospital.  Even though, we were right back to see him the next day.  Cody even got up at 3 am to take him breast milk and do skin to skin before he had to be at school.  Later that week, all was right in the world.  They were together again and we were all finally home.  And that was my very favorite place to be...being a mommy with my babies.

And they were loved...so loved.  And we are eternally grateful to God for our little sweet peas!  I LOVE having twins!  In fact, I'd love to have another set someday ;)  I feel like I have written a book, but there are still so many stories yet to be told.  I will have a mid-week surprise post coming later this week.  Please keep my little family in your prayers this week! Much love to all of you.  Thank you for reading and SHARING on your page.  God Bless! 

The Good, The Gross, and The Bump

      Something was wrong and I knew it.  This wasn't just my normal morning sickness.  I was so sick I could barely walk and couldn't keep anything down.  Cody and I were both in tears because we felt our babies lives were in jeopardy.  We took yet another trip to the ER.  The first time I was sent home with a phenegran pill and pretty much told I had severe morning sickness.  Let's just say we weren't too happy with the good ole Scottsville ER that night.  Seriously, Doc?  A pill?  When I can't keep anything down?  I should've picked it up out of my next spew and handed it back to him.  On our way back I prayed that the babies would be fine.  I was once again scared that the, violent twerking my abdomen was doing while vomitting, would somehow scare my babies and rattle them loose.  I know.  It doesn't work like that.  But at the time, it didn't matter, I was still very scared.  After some testing, they discovered I had the flu.  This was during the time when several pregnant women had died from the flu.  Great.  We finally get our prayers answered and now I might die from Swine Flu.  Dramatic much?  But I didn't.  After many fluids, lots of vomitting,  rest, and spoiling, I recovered.  I survived.
      Yay!  Now that was behind us we could enjoy the rest of this pregnancy and just kick my feet back and relax, right?  My doctor had stated that he did not want me working for more than one reason, so I was staying at home.  The days passed slower than a horse and buggy on the Franklin Road.  Did I mention I had all day  morning sickness?  But like I said before, I didn't mind, because I knew my babies were growing like they should.  I hugged that toilet like a champ!  We decided that after all of the stress of IVF we would take a weekend getaway to the mountains.  We needed a vacation.  It seemed like that past few months had been consumed with needles, doctor's visits, and STRESS.  A romantic mountain getaway with my man was just what I needed.  I was so excited to enjoy some beautiful fall weather, pancakes, and 
shopping with just the two of us.  By the way, the doctor had just lifted the "no intercourse rule" that week, so the hubby was ready for a weekend too.  Poor guy had to go 6 weeks without the one thing, that all guys want...sex.  
      We finally arrived to our hotel and you would have thought I had taken a sedative.  I swear it was almost as if I passed out on that bed.  You would've sworn I was drunk or heavily medicated.  You don't know tired, until you're pregnant.  During the first trimester, sleep is craved almost as much as fried foods and pickles.  Or hot dogs, in my case.  And it wasn't one of those sweet slumbers where you wake up all fresh faced and ready for your day.  It's one of those drool all over the pillow kind.  Where your hair is matted from your drool and stuck to the side of your face.  Where you're like, "HUH, What day is it?" after sleeping a few hours.  Pretty sexy, I'm sure.  But, Cody didn't mind.  After I awoke from my coma, well, I needed a snack.  But we both noticed something that seemed like it wasn't there when I had laid 
down for my nap.  A belly bump.  I was very early in my pregnancy, but I was thrilled to start to see proof that there were, indeed, two babies growing inside of me.  Our "romantic getaway" consisted of LOTS of sleep, food, and very little of anything else.    It also included a hormonal rage where I threw a hair dryer at him, but for some reason or another deserved it.  I think.  But the sleep and food was good.  And the sex, well, I don't think there was any of that.  Poor guy.  I love my husband. :)
      A few weeks later we were finally in our second trimester.  Now I felt like I could relax.  The morning sickness had vanished and the risk of miscarriage was greatly reduced and I was finally with my normal OB.  I see Dr. Gass, and let me tell you, he is the most amazing doctor ever.  I seriously wish I could just give him a hug right now.  He is the sweetest, most caring doctor and we all love him.  Anyways, back to my story.  I was getting ready to go shopping with my mom so I went to take a quick shower.  Just as I started to wash my hair I looked down to see my freshly painted toenail and noticed what was streaming along with the water down the drain.  It was red.  The one thing no pregnant woman ever wants to see.  Blood.  And lots of it.  It was everywhere.  This was it, I was having a miscarriage.  I screamed, I cried, and I went straight to my dr.  I prayed the whole way there for God to have his hands over the babies and protect them from what may be happening.  They did an ultrasound and I braced myself for the worst.  And let me just say this...if I had lost one, it wouldn't "have been fine" since I was having twins.  They were 2 separate souls.  I was already completely in love with my Baby A and Baby B.  If I had lost one, it would have still been devastating.  After my Dr. performed an ultrasound, we determined the issue.  I had a blood clot in my uterus.  It was called a subchorionic hemmorage.  The babies were just fine, but it did complicate things and made me high risk.  Anytime blood is present in the uterus, it can be dangerous.  I was told to do moderate bed rest and keep my feet up.  I was monitored very carefully over the next 6 weeks.  I bled an awful lot, which was scary.  But my awesome doctor kept my anxieties at ease when he monitored me 3 + times a week to check their vital signs.  Thankfully, it resolved on its own and dissolved without any further complications.   And like always, we had angels around us during that time.  
      Shortly after, we discovered that we were having a boy and a girl!  Be still my heart!  

It was one of the greatest moments of our lives.  I got to experience the best of both worlds.  I wanted nothing more than for them to be best friends and each other's protectors.  I was going to get the chance to raise a momma's boy and baseball games and I got to have my bows and girly girl too!  And, let's face it, she had no choice than to be a girly girl.  No camo on the agenda for my gal .  Haha! Kidding! But, really...no camo for her. ;)  We decided on the names...Paislee and Hudson. 
      The rest of my pregnancy went very smoothly.  I got HUGE.  I was measuring full term at only 6 months.  My body got stretch marks in places I did not know you could stretch.  I wasn't one of those that wished her pregnancy away.  If you are one of those, please don't.  Enjoy it.  You will never, ever experience this pregnancy again.  It is such an amazing gift and blessing that everyone should cherish.  And next time you think about posting on Facebook that you "want that baby out of you"  please don't.  Consider the countless women that are longing to have life growing inside of them.  I can honestly say, that I loved being pregnant.  My favorite part was feeling those little kicks and hearing those beautiful heartbeats on the doppler.  I ate whatever I wanted, and I gained lots of weight.  I felt my babies have wrestling matches in the womb.  This was my first pregnancy so I was able to nap...A LOT.  I was blessed...I was incredibly grateful.  This was one of the reasons I am so glad that God chose this path for us.  It made me appreciate everything so much more.  It wasn't a traditional road to parenthood, but it paved the way for the mom that I would become.  It made me step back and realize that pregnancy is not a right, it is a privilege and a miracle in itself.  Thank you, Lord, for answering our prayers and choosing this road for us.  It is a road that has led me to a life I could've never dreamed of having.  And, it had led me to you.  My blog audience.  You wouldn't believe the emails I have received from women who are struggling with infertility but feel alone in all this.  And don't worry...I keep secrets ;)  I thank God for using this blog as a tool to give hope to other women dealing with the same issues and to bring a little light hearted humor as well.  Nothing about infertility is easy...but it is worth it.  Anyways...back to my story...

  

      Everything was going smoothly.  We had just finished up our last round of baby showers and Cody had put together the pack and plays along with the car seats.  The doctors had assured me that I had no signs of preterm labor.  And though, I was measuring very big, I could likely carry them close to their due date.  I went in for a check up with Dr. Gass that week.  I was already at dilated to 3.  They hooked me up to the monitor to see what was going on.  I was having regular contractions and they couldn't stop them.  I was only 31 and a half weeks...

As always, thank you for reading and sharing my blog.  You all are such a blessing and I look forward to hearing your feedback.  I will be back next Monday with a VERY special post :) God bless you all and have an amazing week! Please SHARE :)

The Problem with Selfies...

      SO here it is...another totally random mid-week post.  It is an issue that I feel like most brush under the rug and don't discuss.  I believe I have to bring attention to it.  And by doing so, please don't hate me or be offended.  This blog is just my personal thoughts on the matter and it is never my intentions to hurt any feelings.  And this post is focused towards my daughter and other women.  I will be writing something pertaining just to my boys very soon! ;) 
      I am a photographer.  I take pictures of people for a living, so I feel like I have to speak up on this issue.   I also have 3 beautiful children.  And one of them is a girl.  I am concerned about this issue that tends to lean more towards girls and women.  Our country is facing a major issue that they aren't addressing, just like many other issues.  Sure, we hear about EBOLA, the economy, and well, uh...you know...political stuff.  Which I know SO much about.  Ha! Kidding!  Did you hear the sarcasm in that statement?  The problem, drumroll please... is the obsession with selfies.  AND I find it alarming.  especially the ones when you're driving down the road.  Let's face it, vanity is something that is overtaking social media. And before I go on, I am not talking about the ones with your cute kids or you glowing preggo ladies.  And, I am not judging you.  It is your Facebook and instagram, and you can post whatever you like.   I am just posting my thoughts on the matter.  I am totally not hating on the art of a selfie!  IN FACT, my four year old loves a good selfie.  Give her a camera and she can take a selfie like a pro...

      There is nothing wrong with it.   The problem is when it becomes something you do daily.  The ones that are posted over and over.  You know the ones... the duck face being the most popular.  Most selfies are situated around one's self.  Angled appropriately, and taken mostly because one has pride in how they look.   Good for you sister!  But where do we draw the line between self esteem and self obsession?  I am all for feeling good about yourself.  But sometimes, pride can destroy you.   I recently saw an interview with Kim Kardashian about her whole "breaking the internet" fiasco.  Her response?  She did it to feel confident about herself?  Seriously, Kim?  You?  The QUEEN of selfies?  You?  Need a boost of confidence? Ha!  Tell that to my tummy that looks like a road map.  You, my dear, are gorgeous.  And I believe you are well aware of that fact.  If you weren't confident, you wouldn't post a gazillion selfies on every social media platform that you have.   You should be more worried about setting an example for your daughter.  Is the lack of clothing really necessary?  How do you teach your daughter self respect if you cannot respect yourself.   You are raising a daughter, you should also be slightly alarmed by the selfie trend.  And here is why...
       The selfie trend is spreading worse than a case of lice at a 3rd grade sleepover.  I am all for women having confidence in themselves.  Every woman is beautiful in her own way.  I mean that.  But you shouldn't have to have 10 comments and 50 likes on instagram or Facebook to prove that.  I feel like one of the most honorable traits a woman can wear is humility.  One of the best lessons my momma ever taught my was to be humble.    I was a teenager and it went a little something like this, "Honey, you are absolutely beautiful...but you aren't as cute as you think you are. "  I feel like that is a lesson that only a mother can teach a daughter.  Because, let's be honest, if anyone else tried to, we'd probably take a golf club to their face.  To some, that may be a hard pill to swallow.  But it may be, just what you need to hear.   I totally want to teach my daughter the same lesson...  

      I want her to know she is kind, she is smart, she is BEAUTIFUL.  But I also want to teach her not to be vain.  Let's face it, selfies are about yourself.  They highlight you alone.   I want my daughter to not be obsessed with how she sees herself in the mirror, or in the camera of the phone.   I want her to see the reflection of what others see when they look at her.  Radiance.  Compassion. Not just beauty.  I want her to turn heads, but not just because she has long blonde hair.  I want her sweet soul to be evident and her laugh to be contagious.  I want her to always put OTHERS first and be generous always.   I don't want her to be all about herself all the time!  It is not healthy.  I don't want her to believe that she is only socially accepted by a selfie.  She doesn't need all of her FB friends to tell her how beautiful she is, that is my job, and her father's job.   I want her to know that her duck face, does not define her beauty.  I want her to know she has a kind soul, and that, is even more beautiful than her long dark lashes.  She is a child of God and the daughter of a KING.  And she can only find the unconditional acceptance and love through him alone.  As mommas, let's all make sure we set an example for them and teach them the true meaning of beauty.  
      
"The fruit of the spirit is joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and Self Control."
                                        -Galatians 5:22-23

I'm holding my breath and hoping I don't get any negative feedback.  Because I promise, I only want this post to be positive.  As always, I love hearing your thoughts.  Thanks for reading and SHARING! :)  My infertility series will pick up on Monday!  Have a blessed week! 

And then there were twins...

       I had this plan shortly after we got married about how, I would one day, give my hubby the glorious news that he was about to become a daddy.  I planned on relaying that news in some fabulous, creative way.  I "pinned" them away on my mental virtual pinterest board (that didnt yet exist).  These plans were super cute and planned out perfectly.  One of them included me wrapping a neat little box with a cute little rattle inside.  Another plan included me putting a car seat in his truck on a Saturday morning.  I'd reveal it to him after sleeping in and having a lazy breakfast at home.  We'd stroll out there and I'd ask him if he could help me see if there was room for the new baby in his truck.  Cute idea, huh?  I even had thought about printing out a fake movie ticket with "Baby Coming Soon," along with a due date, neatly printed on the bottom.  All of these plans, well...they were before we entered the land of Infertility.  They were when I, so blissfully, thought I'd be one of those that would get pregnant within 3 months of getting married.  Haha!  Boy, was I wrong!  And those plans didn't quite work out when that time actually came.  They flew out the window... and my excitement took over.
      Cody was just as excited as me as a hurled the pregnancy test at him.  It was still a little damp from my urine, but it had 2 lines.  He screamed like a girl too!  Just kidding his was a deep, burly, manly voice. <<<<not really ;)  Excited was an understatement.  And the pee stick that happened to be dripping with urine?  He didn't mind.  I think he nearly peed his pants anyways after I screamed the word pregnant.  That test could've been dusted with anthrax, but as long as he saw two lines on it, he wouldn't have noticed.  A little urine never hurt anyone did it?  Heck, it contains something magical that helps heal a jellyfish sting, right?  And now mine contained something even more special...the holy pregnancy hormone.  And we were thrilled.  Did I say that already? :) We were both running and screaming through all the house.  My poor brother happened to be staying over that night and got to witness the madness.  It was even worse than when I was 11 and was shouting through the halls that I'd gotten my period.  Yeah, he had to witness that milestone too.  
      We looked like some people from a 90's Richard Simmons aerobics video on RedBull.  Crazy excited.  We had initially said early on that we wouldn't tell anyone until we were in the safe zone and out of the first trimester.  Yeah...well...that plan didn't work out either.  I instantly grabbed my phone and started calling our family and friends, and well, anyone else that might feed my excitement.  "Hey, girl, it's Andrea, remember me?  We were in 2nd grade together...anyways, I'm pregnant!"  Just kidding, not that extreme.  But you get the picture.  I was finally pregnant and wanted to shout it from the rooftops.  But we did agree not to make it Facebook official until my official bloodwork.  The day of my bloodwork it didn't take long to get my results.  My HCG levels were 300 on my first draw just 10 days after the transfer.  Thank you, sweet Jesus!  According to google and my mother  that high number automatically assumed a multiple pregnancy.  I was on cloud 9.  I pretty much skipped out of Nashville Fertility Center, but then I abruptly stopped.  Because I was scared my babies might fall out.  I held my breath until I went back down there 2 days later, to make sure my levels were doubling, which indicated a healthy pregnancy.  They were close to 1,000 the second time.  You better believe I posted it on FB that day.  2 words...my favorite new words.  I'm pregnant!  No picture of an ultrasound or a chalkboard, or a pic of our dog, Molly wearing a big sister shirt.  You see, when it actually happens, you don't care about announcements and such.  You just want to blurt it out like word vomit.  To anyone who will listen.  I felt like I was in a dream or a fairytale, but then I had to wait 2 more long weeks to see a heartbeat and feel more at ease.  
      During those 2 weeks, fear crept into my fairytale.  I was the most happy and terrified at the same time.  Have you ever loved something so much it hurts?  That is exactly how I feel about all of my babies. But I was already so in love with the little people who were camping out in my uterus, but so, completely afraid I'd lose them or I'd mess this whole pregnancy thing up.  Google became my best friend, once again, during those weeks.   And my boobs finally started to hurt on their own.  Booyah!  I can't tell you how long I'd wanted those sore boobies!  I couldn't get enough sleep either.  And I became world's worst worrywart. "Oh, God!  I ate bleu cheese yesterday, what if I ruined my pregnancy? "  Dear, Lord, please help me remember not to roll on my tummy during the night and squish my babies!   Don't even get me started on how I hexed Subway out of my life.  Can't eat those cold cuts, it may give the babies bacteria!  I know all of this sounds dramatic, but I get it honest.  And the thing is...when you experience infertility and go through SO MUCH to get pregnant, you can't just enjoy the new pregnancy bliss.  You have to expect something to go wrong.  Because, before this, nothing about getting pregnant has ever went right.  I just prayed not to be that 10 % that ended in a miscarriage.  And I couldn't even think about "not getting my hopes up."  Because, sister, they had already floated to the moon and they weren't coming back down on their own.   Our hearts were completely in this 100 %.  We wanted to have smooth sailing, but we knew we had certain hoops to jump through before we got there.  It was like holding onto a million dollar check in a rainstorm with no umbrella.  You just had to hold on tight, and pray to God you wouldn't lose it.
      So ultrasound day finally came.  Mom and my mother in law, Rhonda came along with Cody and I.  You would have thought that we were all taking our first trip to Disney World.  We were giddy and giggly the whole way to Nashville.  Who would've guessed I'd have the giggles?!? We got to the waiting room and I could've died with embarrassment.  Mom started her own photo shoot in the middle of the room.  They all thought I was too young to be there anyways, and now my excited and crazy  momma is playing paparazzi like I am going to the prom.  

      

I could have killed her.  She didn't care, lol.  But now, I am glad that I have these pictures.  Her and Rhonda just giggled and informed the whole waiting room they were hoping for 2 babies or more.  Needless to say, I didn't allow them in the ultrasound room.  Our docs meant business and I don't know how they would've felt about that photoshoot ;).  Even though my mom seems to talk people into anything and make them think it was their idea, haha.  They finally called our name and I felt like I was going to puke.  I was praying so hard to be able to see a healthy baby or babies.  We got our wish.  As the nurse placed the ultrasound wand, ahhhem, you know, where it was supposed to go.  Which is rather uncomfortable, I might add.  We sat in silence until she was able to get a clear view of my uterus.  That 2 minutes of silence was deafening.  Finally, I heard her clear her throat and tell us the verdict.  "Well, there are definitely two!  It's twins!"  Cody literally jumped out of his seat.  If he was in a cheer competition, I would've given him a 10 for his awesome tuck jump!   We both wanted twins anyways.  Regardless of those certain ones who tried their hardest to talk us out of transferring two.  I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I was totally up for the challenge.  Were so thrilled, and I cried, are you surprised?  I bawled like a baby,  and I'm pretty sure my Mr. Harper shed a little tear too.  We just looked at each other in that dark ultrasound room, and realized our lives were officially about to begin.  And the dream we had wanted so badly was finally coming true!

And then of course, there were the crazy, excited, Ninny and Grams that were just as thrilled as we were, well, almost. 

I thought we were going to have to wrestle them to the ground to keep them from making it Facebook Official before us.  They were so excited!  I don't even think Mickey Mouse, himself, could have trumped this news!

I was finally able to relax a little after seeing those 2 beautiful little flickers on the ultrasound.  They were the miracle we knew God was working on.  They were beautiful and healthy.  It didn't stop me from worrying, but it definitely helped.  I got to go back 2 weeks later to do a repeat ultrasound to check on them, once again, before being released to my OB GYN.  The week after this ultrasound, I began to get very sick.  Trust me, I wasn't one to complain.  I  liked it, as crazy as that sounds, because I knew my levels were doubling and it was a good sign of a healthy pregnancy.  I knew morning sickness was much worse with multiples, but I began to feel like something was wrong.  I could not keep anything down.  I also developed an extremely high fever.  After a trip to the ER and continuing to vomit an un normal amount all over the toilet and walls of our bathroom, Cody and I both were in tears and on our knees.  Something was wrong and we feared for the health of our babies...

More to come next week! Thank you all once again, for the love and support you show me every week.  I am working on building up a following on Pinterest and my FB page, which will be up and running next week.  If you all wouldn't mind to pin my blog and help me get it going, I would love you for it! ;)  And as always please like, comment, and SHARE if you like what you are reading.  I feel like you guys are my "Pope"  and I am in confession every Monday.  God bless each of you and I hope you have an amazing week! 

The Wait...

      Sometimes infertility can make you feel like the yellow starburst at the bottom of the package.  Nothing but a big, fat, disappointment.  I had dealt with that disappointment month after month when we were trying to conceive.  After the embryo transfer, that fear crept back into my mind.  That fear of disappointment...I couldn't handle it if this wasn't successful.   I was already head over heels in love with my 2 sweet embryos.  My heart was in this, completely, and there was no way to guard it now.  It was too late.  All of our family and friends knew about our IVF treatments, so they would be awaiting the results along with us.  It was so amazing to have such an awesome support system!  However, I didn't think my heart would be able to handle telling them, if I'd failed at getting pregnant, yet again.   I pleaded to God to protect my body and those babies and to let this be successful.  I wanted those babies to get nice and cozy in my uterus, and feel right at home.  So, to put it lightly, I made Cody drive very slowly on the way home from our embryo transfer.  Very careful, as if he was carrying an explosive in the back seat.  Did I mention I love my husband?  Cody had laid the seats down and had me a nice pallet of comfy pillows and blankets for the ride home.  He also drove thru Captain D's on the way,  because he knew it was my fave.  Their sweet and sour is the bomb!  I was a nervous wreck through every turn and bump.  I was carrying precious cargo, and I wasn't about to risk their chances of implantation.  I had 2 new sidekicks, my embies.  They were the most important little things in our lives at that point,  and I wanted them to stay safe and stay put for the next 9 months or so.  Deep down, I knew that God had brought us this far, and he would take care of everything.  But it didn't mean that kept me from worrying anyways...go figure.
      When we got home, Cody helped me get into bed and I tried to get comfortable.  I started chowing down on as much pineapple core as I possibly could.  I would also laugh hysterically between mouthfuls.  Partially because google informed me that laughter and eating that core increased my chances.  But mostly because I laugh in very awkward and uncomfortable situations, or when my nerves are bad.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I struggle with this.  Sometimes at weddings and funerals.  You know that moment when the bride is walking down the aisle and everyone is all weepy?  I feel like I am going to die from spontaneous combustion from holding in my giggles.  Seriously, If your dog or uncle dies or if you get hurt in any way...just don't tell me.  Don't do it...but if you do,  don't get offended if I laugh.  I can't help it.  Gosh, I am random and getting off track again.  Back to my story.  I laughed, ate pineapple, and watched LOTS of One Tree Hill and hallmark movies.  I wish the Duggars would have been on tv then.  If they were, I would have watched a marathon.  I love the Duggars, but it may have made me a little jealous that I couldn't get pregnant as easy as them.  I want to parent like them!  (I must not be doing something right, b/c I'm pretty sure Jana wouldn't call John David an a**hole).   <<<random thought  ANYWAYS... I was determined, prayerful, and hopeful.  My emotions were all over the place.  I would feel 100 % certain that I was pregnant, then I'd be crying 10 minutes later out of fear that I wasn't.  We had so much on the line.  Our hearts, our minds, and our entire savings account.  I was ready to grab infertility by the balls and tell em who was boss.  I was ready to be a mommy.  
      Since I was on bed rest and was waited on hand and foot.  Sounds pretty nice, right?  But the time passed so SSSSSLLLLLOOOOWWWW.  I was told to stay very hydrated and get lots of rest.  I hated getting up to pee.  I was terrified they would fall out.  Even though my doctor assured me that wouldn't happen. I wish so badly I could've put a little dot of gorilla glue on them and precisely placed them on the wall of my uterus myself.   Geez, why hasn't some scientist come up with that already?  And my poor bowels,  I didn't let them move at all.   I am strong willed, and I won that battle, sister.  I held it in until I became very constipated, which I was ok with at the time.  What if I sneezed to hard?  What if I trip and fall when going to the bathroom?  I began to obsess a little.  Ok, a whole lot.  And google became my constant companion.  I would google pregnancy symptoms every 3 minutes.  I analyzed every single sensation.  Most of which were caused by the devilish Progesterone Injections, which ironically mimicked pregnancy symptoms. I can remember wanting so badly for my boobs to hurt.  I pinched them so much that they finally starred to get tender.  Which made me happy.  Hey, it's a symptom, right?  I was nauseous, but I think it was from all the googling too, and my nerves. 
      The days seemed like years, but I survived.  After a few days laying horizontally around the house, I eventually, very cautiously, got on with my life.  I wished that I could just take a very long nap until my blood test.  SO then I could either celebrate or loathe in self pity.  6 days passed by and I started to get very exhausted, all I wanted to do was sleep.  So, the next day, I broke a promise I'd made to myself.  I opened the cabinet doors and grabbed a pregnancy test.  I had a million of them.   Cheap pregnancy tests are like crack for women who are infertile.  I know you probably already read my thoughts on those things in my past posts.  But I'll tell ya again...  She did not like me...the pregnancy test that is.  She was like the popular girl at school that I was dying to be friends with.  But she snubbed me.  Every time.  I never got invited to any of her parties and was always left me crying with her stupid negative results.   Everyone tells you not to do it, just to wait on the bloodwork.  I couldn't be that patient those last couple days, so I caved.   I was a rebel, and I decided to pee on it anyways.  I did it so fast so that I wouldn't talk myself out of it.  I yelled across the house, "Cody, I'm gonna take it."  I yelled while I was taking it, so he wouldn't try to talk me out of it.  As soon as I looked down I saw a line, but not the one I usually see.  It was accompanied by another this time.  I screamed.  A scream that I've never screamed before.  I jumped up, with my pants still down and urine trickling down my legs.  Gross, I know, but you get the picture, right?  I was excited!  The tears began to flow, yet again.  And girls, this time, it was that ugly cry again.  But it was a happy one.  I praised God immediately!  We trusted in him, and he was faithful.  I screamed.  I sobbed.  And I ran through my house like I'd just been stung by an entire hive of honeybees.   I began to shout the 2 words I was never able to say before in my life. "I'm pregnant!"  

Be sure to read next week to hear Cody's reaction, and the hurdles and health issues we were faced with soon after.  Thank you all, as always, for being faithful readers!  Please       SHARE, if you liked what you read.  Much love to you all and I hope you have an amazing week!

     
     
     

My Beautiful Mess...

      Earlier I read a blog post a friend had shared about motherhood and it inspired me to share my thoughts on the messy moments of motherhood.  This is a totally random, mid week post.  It won't have any effect on my infertility series you girls have been following.  I just wanted to share a little about my day from a messy momma's point of view.  It is honest, humorous, random and unfiltered.   Don't judge ;)

      Last week I had lost an item that someone had loaned me.  It was the straw that broke the camel's back that night.  I. lose. everything.  I lose my bra on a daily basis, seriously.  My hubby always tells me to put it somewhere I will remember, but then I forget where that is.  I found myself googling symptoms of amnesia a couple weeks ago.  Turns out, it's just what happens with 3 kids under 5 and running your own business.  I think the term for it is mommy brain... Anyways, Cody found me sorting through our piles of laundry searching frantically for it with tears rolling down my face.  "Oh my God, you are letting THIS get you so upset?!?"  Ofcourse, he blames the Lupron and my stupid hormones.  I'm sure that is a factor too.  "No, I'm a mess, Cody!  My house is a mess, my car is a mess, I am a MESS.  And everyone knows it.  I am unorganized and I lose shit all the time."   He assured me that I beat myself up too much.  I eventually found the lost item, as I usually do.  And everything was ok, but I still felt bad about the constant state of messiness my house was in.  If you're expecting June Cleaver, you won't find her here.

      In my house we make messes.  We play, we are loud, and it is a little chaotic.  Ok, maybe a lot chaotic.  But I wouldn't have it any other way.  I love my little mess makers.  But it doesn't mean I don't feel mommy guilt about keeping my house tidy for my family.  I try.  I really do...but most of the time, it gets me no where.  Today as I was scrubbing last week's night's dishes,  I was frequently interrupted by a persistent, blonde headed little 4 year old girl who was wanting me to be her "taste tester."  "How is it?  Does it need more sugar, mommy?"  Pepper and pineapple pie was on the menu today in Paislee's cafe.  And boy was it scrumptious.  You really should try it sometime, I'll ask her for the recipe tomorrow ;).  While taste testing her imaginary treat,  Dax was throwing cans out of the pantry screaming "BITE...BITE...BIIIIIIIIITE!"  My child could eat every minute of every day.  Have you seen him?  He's one chunky monkey!  And, I know what you're thinking.  The answer is no, I haven't got around to baby proofing those cabinets yet.  Last week my Cody asked me if I noticed how dirty our microwave plate was?  No, dear, I didn't notice.  Did you happen to notice the sparkly toilet I just scrubbed?  Why don't you eat out of that tonight?  Kidding.  ;)  Cleaning bathrooms is always a feat when you live with 2 boys who haven't mastered the art of aiming quite yet.  One is 4, the other is 29 ;).   Mommas of boys, you feel me?  My kitchen was a disaster.  There are spiderman and hello kitty cups...everywhere.  Spilled Milk in the floor.  Ibuprofen on the counter for my teething baby.  And you wanna know the truth?  I feed my kids hot dogs and chicken nuggets sometimes.  I mean they get their fruits and veggies too.  But we also do Happy Meals in my house.  We do cookies too.  My kids have been well introduced to sugar and they like it.  And if that's wrong, I don't wanna be right.  They are kids, let them be just that.
      Later while sorting through laundry, Hudson is tugging at my leg asking me over and over to smell his finger.  Don't ask me why.  He says it stinks, but won't tell me why, lol.  :/  Will this laundry ever end?  I never seem to be caught up.  Last week I found an Easter shirt that hadn't yet been washed.  You know that commercial where that dad washes his daughter's dress up costumes once a week?  And at the end they are running through their perfectly clean house and mowed yard while partaking in imaginary play.  Yeah.  What planet is he from?  Is that the only laundry he has? How is his house so clean?  My house looks like Toys R Us caught the stomach flu and vomitted in every corner of my living room.  Actually, every room.  And where is the little girl's mom in that commercial?  I read something earlier about the President not being totally supportive of stay at home moms.  Please don't quote me on that...because I am the last person that needs to talk politics.  But, if it is true.  Shame on you,  Mr. President.  And shame on you, feminists.  I said it, and I don't mean to offend anyone, but it's the truth.  Don't get me wrong, it isn't for everyone.  And I am blessed enough to do both.  I stay at home and run a photography business.  Having the luxury of staying at home is something that should be commended.  It isn't easy, but it is the most rewarding thing I have EVER done.  And guess what?  The reason my house is in shambles, is because they are playing at home all day, every day.  And they love home.  I have witnessed every. single. milestone.  I kiss the boo boos, I scramble the eggs,  fix the peanut butter and jelly, pour the cups and bottles.  But In my opinion,  that is something that money cannot buy.   I'll be honest, there is shit everywhere.  There is even shit on my arm (literally).  Don't worry,  I'll clean it off.  Dax had a very messy diaper ;). Mommyhood isn't glamorous, but it is beautiful.  Sometimes, I don't have time to shower or wash my hair.  I love that beanies are in style!  I can rock a beanie, at least my mom says so.  Man, I really wish I would've thought through that decision to use bright red halloween spray on my hair last week.  I look like a rebellious teen whose scalp has contracted EBLOA.  And yesterday's makeup is better than no makeup at all, right?  I have tons of friends that would love to be home with their babies every day and cannot because they have to provide financially for their family.  I applause you all, because I know it has to be hard to leave your kids everyday when you want nothing more to be at home.  If you have the choice to be at home or to work,  choose to be with your babies.  They are only little once, and once those years are gone, they're gone.  Wow, I totally got off subject again.  I guess that's what I get for sitting down and typing while watching the CMA's.  
      I eventually got around to picking up the living room a little bit with many interruptions of playing cars and tickle monster.  I also had to take a break to put soap in Paislee's mouth for calling her brother an asshole.  No, we don't allow or use that kind of language in our house.  We go to church and teach them about Jesus.  But it still happens sometimes.  Blame my parenting abilities...or Netflix, I'm still not sure where she got it.  Go ahead and laugh or judge, you know you want to.  Anyone that knows me,  is very aware of my laughing habit.  And boy can that be a curse when trying to discipline your child for swearing.  But Hudson got back at her by calling her the "C" word.  Relax.  He called her a cotton headed ninny muggins.  Anyone that has seen the movie Elf, knows where he got that name. :)  He handled her with grace today and was polite until she called him an a-hole.  Then they started wrestling.  The kids played their "pick up" game after being bribed with Halloween candy.  They ran as fast as they could and picked up all the baby dolls and hot wheels out of the floor and enjoyed their treat.  I know I probably should've use a banana, but I don't think it would've been as effective ;).  Paislee ends up in tears 2 minutes later, because, Dax, our 1 year old ate ALL of her m & m's.  Oh, wait...I hear the Hot Dog song...time to dance with Dax!  Daddy walks through the door.
      Most of the time I try to explain to him why I haven't gotten anything accomplished.  Thank God he isn't a husband who minds the mess.  He constantly reminds me that I am a great mom and not to feel guilt about the house.  I love him.  I began to tell him about our day and Paislee's potty mouth, he proceeds to tell me about deer season this weekend.  Did I say I love him?  (eye roll) Maybe I should take a lesson from Pais and call him a name or two ;).   We scramble to get the kids ready and head to bowling green on a hot date.  Chic Fil A and shopping for our early Christmas presents to each other!  A new washing machine and dryer.  Ours went out this week, so we had to go look for one.  By the way, we don't do date nights.  We have 3 kids and they go everywhere we go.  Kudos to couples that take time and do that, that is awesome.   Once we went to a concert and I nearly had a panic attack and made everyone leave as soon as Jason Aldean came out on stage.  No lie.  I do not like being away from my kids.   We probably should date, but we choose not to.  For Anniversary and Valentine's Day, they accompany us.  It may be stressful at times, but its crazy fun, and thats how we roll. :) 
      Mom decided to come along for the trip to Bowling Green tonight and I know she is judging my car as soon as she hops inside.  Love you, momma, but you know it's true!  Don't even get me started on my car.  It is a tad messy!  There are 10 pairs of shoes.  Purses, sippys, pacis, diapers...everything you can think of.  A few syringes fell out of the passengers side the other day.  When I am on injections every day, sometimes you gotta do it at a red light, you know?  We hear the kids arguing and asking 21 questions.  Hudson asks, "Hey, Dad, how did Jesus make eyeballs?"  Paislee yell, "Mommy, you're the best mommy in the whole world."  Dax screams, "BITE!" LOL, They know how to warm my heart. :)  When we arrive at Chic Fil A,  Mom is horrified when she discovers that Dax has on mismatched socks.  Seriously, mom?  Atleast he is wearing socks.  I know I am scatterbrained, but I will make sure my children's feet are warm, but not ALWAYS fashionable.  ;)  After they ate their chicken nuggets and fruit, it was time to head to the play area.  They have just recently started being "big kids" and going by theirselves while we sit outside the window.  As Hudson slips off his camo rain boots, I about die when I remember I made him put on Paislee's princess socks.  Poor Hudson.  Give this momma a break, our dryer is broken.  A momma's gotta do, what a momma's gotta do.  I feel bad, but he doesn't seem to mind.  We are all in stitches laughing at this point.  But I wish I had a picture of the moment Cody saw them twerking in the top play area.  Did I mention everyone in the place could see?  Oh lord,  good thing Daddy was in a good mood tonight and Ninny was with us ;).  
      We eventually made it home and did our bedtime routine and put our little monkeys to bed.  When I lay down each night,  I ask myself..."am I enough?"  Am I screwing this up? Did we read enough books?  Oh, God, how am I gonna survive sending them to Kindergarten? Did we practice enough handwriting?  Can't we homeschool?  I can't do math...or history.  Then I'd really screw it up.  Did we talk enough about Jesus today?  Did I cuddle them enough today?  Do they realize my love for them?  I hope they always know the passion and love I have for them.   They are our whole world.   I know I may not be the most organized momma on the block.  Our life is chaotic, it is messy, it is loud,  but it is ours.  And I love my life...so much.  And as crazy as it sounds, I cannot wait to add more babies to our bunch!  Mommas, if you are like me, and everything is messy, don't beat yourself up.  You are not alone! One day you won't have those toys in the floor to pick up and your babies will be grown.  Enjoy it.  Embrace the messiness...you rock, momma!  One day our houses will be clean...but no today.  :)


Thanks for reading and please SHARE if you like it.  More to come on my infertility struggles next Monday and the next part of our story!  Love you all!

My Beautiful Mess

      Earlier I read a blog post a friend had shared about motherhood and it inspired me to share my thoughts on the messy moments of motherhood.  This is a totally random, mid week post.  It won't have any effect on my infertility series you girls have been following.  I just wanted to share a little about my day from a messy momma's point of view.  It is honest, humorous, random and unfiltered.   Don't judge ;)

      Last week I had lost an item that someone had loaned me.  It was the straw that broke the camel's back that night.  I. lose. everything.  I lose my bra on a daily basis, seriously.  My hubby always tells me to put it somewhere I will remember, but then I forget where that is.  I found myself googling symptoms of amnesia a couple weeks ago.  Turns out, it's just what happens with 3 kids under 5 and running your own business.  I think the term for it is mommy brain... Anyways, Cody found me sorting through our piles of laundry searching frantically for it with tears rolling down my face.  "Oh my God, you are letting THIS get you so upset?!?"  Ofcourse, he blames the Lupron and my stupid hormones.  I'm sure that is a factor too.  "No, I'm a mess, Cody!  My house is a mess, my car is a mess, I am a MESS.  And everyone knows it.  I am unorganized and I lose shit all the time."   He assured me that I beat myself up too much.  I eventually found the lost item, as I usually do.  And everything was ok, but I still felt bad about the constant state of messiness my house was in.  If you're expecting June Cleaver, you won't find her here.

      In my house we make messes.  We play, we are loud, and it is a little chaotic.  Ok, maybe a lot chaotic.  But I wouldn't have it any other way.  I love my little mess makers.  But it doesn't mean I don't feel mommy guilt about keeping my house tidy for my family.  I try.  I really do...but most of the time, it gets me no where.  Today as I was scrubbing last week's night's dishes,  I was frequently interrupted by a persistent, blonde headed little 4 year old girl who was wanting me to be her "taste tester."  "How is it?  Does it need more sugar, mommy?"  Pepper and pineapple pie was on the menu today in Paislee's cafe.  And boy was it scrumptious.  You really should try it sometime, I'll ask her for the recipe tomorrow ;).  While taste testing her imaginary treat,  Dax was throwing cans out of the pantry screaming "BITE...BITE...BIIIIIIIIITE!"  My child could eat every minute of every day.  Have you seen him?  He's one chunky monkey!  And, I know what you're thinking.  The answer is no, I haven't got around to baby proofing those cabinets yet.  Last week my Cody asked me if I noticed how dirty our microwave plate was?  No, dear, I didn't notice.  Did you happen to notice the sparkly toilet I just scrubbed?  Why don't you eat out of that tonight?  Kidding.  ;)  Cleaning bathrooms is always a feat when you live with 2 boys who haven't mastered the art of aiming quite yet.  One is 4, the other is 29 ;).   Mommas of boys, you feel me?  My kitchen was a disaster.  There are spiderman and hello kitty cups...everywhere.  Spilled Milk in the floor.  Ibuprofen on the counter for my teething baby.  And you wanna know the truth?  I feed my kids hot dogs and chicken nuggets sometimes.  I mean they get their fruits and veggies too.  But we also do Happy Meals in my house.  We do cookies too.  My kids have been well introduced to sugar and they like it.  And if that's wrong, I don't wanna be right.  They are kids, let them be just that.
      Later while sorting through laundry, Hudson is tugging at my leg asking me over and over to smell his finger.  Don't ask me why.  He says it stinks, but won't tell me why, lol.  :/  Will this laundry ever end?  I never seem to be caught up.  Last week I found an Easter shirt that hadn't yet been washed.  You know that commercial where that dad washes his daughter's dress up costumes once a week?  And at the end they are running through their perfectly clean house and mowed yard while partaking in imaginary play.  Yeah.  What planet is he from?  Is that the only laundry he has? How is his house so clean?  My house looks like Toys R Us caught the stomach flu and vomitted in every corner of my living room.  Actually, every room.  And where is the little girl's mom in that commercial?  I read something earlier about the President not being totally supportive of stay at home moms.  Please don't quote me on that...because I am the last person that needs to talk politics.  But, if it is true.  Shame on you,  Mr. President.  And shame on you, feminists.  I said it, and I don't mean to offend anyone, but it's the truth.  Don't get me wrong, it isn't for everyone.  And I am blessed enough to do both.  I stay at home and run a photography business.  Having the luxury of staying at home is something that should be commended.  It isn't easy, but it is the most rewarding thing I have EVER done.  And guess what?  The reason my house is in shambles, is because they are playing at home all day, every day.  And they love home.  I have witnessed every. single. milestone.  I kiss the boo boos, I scramble the eggs,  fix the peanut butter and jelly, pour the cups and bottles.  But In my opinion,  that is something that money cannot buy.   I'll be honest, there is shit everywhere.  There is even shit on my arm (literally).  Don't worry,  I'll clean it off.  Dax had a very messy diaper ;). Mommyhood isn't glamorous, but it is beautiful.  Sometimes, I don't have time to shower or wash my hair.  And yesterday's makeup is better than no makeup at all, right?  I have tons of friends that would love to be home with their babies every day and cannot because they have to provide financially for their family.  I applause you all, because I know it has to be hard to leave your kids everyday when you want nothing more to be at home.  If you have the choice to be at home or to work,  choose to be with your babies.  They are only little once, and once those years are gone, they're gone.  Wow, I totally got off subject again.  I guess that's what I get for sitting down and typing while watching the CMA's.  
      I eventually got around to picking up the living room a little bit with many interruptions of playing cars and tickle monster.  I also had to take a break to put soap in Paislee's mouth for calling her brother an asshole.  No, we don't allow or use that kind of language in our house.  We go to church and teach them about Jesus.  But it still happens sometimes.  Blame my parenting abilities...or Netflix, I'm still not sure where she got it.  Go ahead and laugh or judge, you know you want to.  Anyone that knows me,  is very aware of my laughing habit.  And boy can that be a curse when trying to discipline your child for swearing.  But Hudson got back at her by calling her the "C" word.  Relax.  He called her a cotton headed ninny muggins.  Anyone that has seen the movie Elf, knows where he got that name. :)  The kids played their "pick up" game after being bribed with Halloween candy.  They ran as fast as they could and picked up all the baby dolls and hot wheels out of the floor and enjoyed their treat.  I know I probably should've use a banana, but I don't think it would've been as effective ;).  Paislee ends up in tears 2 minutes later, because, Dax, our 1 year old ate ALL of her m & m's.  Daddy walks through the door.
      Most of the time I try to explain to him why I haven't gotten anything accomplished.  Thank God he isn't a husband who minds the mess.  He constantly reminds me that I am a great mom and not to feel guilt about the house.  I love him.  I began to tell him about our day and Paislee's potty mouth, he proceeds to tell me about deer season this weekend.  Did I say I love him?  (eye roll) Maybe I should take a lesson from Pais and call him a name or two ;).   We scramble to get the kids ready and head to bowling green on a hot date.  Chic Fil A and shopping for our early Christmas presents to each other!  A new washing machine and dryer.  Ours went out this week, so we had to go look for one.  By the way, we don't do date nights.  We have 3 kids and they go everywhere we go.  Kudos to couples that take time and do that, that is awesome.   Once we went to a concert and I nearly had a panic attack and made everyone leave as soon as Jason Aldean came out on stage.  No lie.  I do not like being away from my kids.   We probably should date, but we choose not to.  For Anniversary and Valentine's Day, they accompany us.  It may be stressful at times, but its crazy fun, and thats how we roll. :) 
      Mom decided to come along for the trip to Bowling Green tonight and I know she is judging my car as soon as she hops inside.  Love you, momma, but you know it's true!  Don't even get me started on my car.  It is a tad messy!  There are 10 pairs of shoes.  Purses, sippys, pacis, diapers...everything you can think of.  A few syringes fell out of the passengers side the other day.  When I am on injections every day, sometimes you gotta do it at a red light, you know?  We hear the kids arguing and asking 21 questions.  Hudson asks, "Hey, Dad, how did Jesus make eyeballs?"  Paislee yell, "Mommy, you're the best mommy in the whole world."  Dax screams, "BITE!" LOL, They know how to warm my heart. :)  When we arrive at Chic Fil A,  Mom is horrified when she discovers that Dax has on mismatched socks.  Seriously, mom?  Atleast he is wearing socks.  I know I am scatterbrained, but I will make sure my children's feet are warm, but not ALWAYS fashionable.  ;)  After they ate their chicken nuggets and fruit, it was time to head to the play area.  They have just recently started being "big kids" and going by theirselves while we sit outside the window.  As Hudson slips off his camo rain boots, I about die when I remember I made him put on Paislee's princess socks.  Poor Hudson.  Give this momma a break, our dryer is broken.  A momma's gotta do, what a momma's gotta do.  I feel bad, but he doesn't seem to mind.  We are all in stitches laughing at this point.  But I wish I had a picture of the moment Cody saw them twerking in the top play area.  Did I mention everyone in the place could see?  Oh lord,  good thing Daddy was in a good mood tonight and Ninny was with us ;).  
      We eventually made it home and did our bedtime routine and put our little monkeys to bed.  When I lay down each night,  I ask myself..."am I enough?"  Did we read enough books?  Did we practice enough handwriting?  Talk enough about Jesus?  Did I cuddle them enough today?  Do they realize my love for them?  I hope they always know the passion and love I have for them.   They are our whole world.   I know I may not be the most organized momma on the block.  Our life is chaotic, it is messy, it is loud,  but it is ours.  And I love my life...so much.  And as crazy as it sounds, I cannot wait to add more babies to our bunch! 


Thanks for reading and please SHARE if you like it.  More to come on my infertility struggles next Monday and the next part of our story!  Love you all!