So...the past 6 weeks have been a whirlwind. There have been lots of smiles, a whole lotta tears, and even more diapers. I have been meaning to post long before now. But to be honest, I have just been too tired...and I am quite the procrastinator. A few weeks ago, I also felt too vulnerable and emotional to post. Having a baby...especially 2 babies, can be hard on your nerves and emotions. On top of recovering from a natural twin delivery, I sent my babies to Kindergarten shortly after. Let's just say I needed some time to recover from all that...
Cody came home from work a few weeks ago to a mess. Me. He tried hard not to draw attention to my face. My cheeks were still damp and stained from mascara. My lip was quivering and I was piled up on the couch covered in babies.
There was crumbled goldfish scattered all over the floor, along with some odd socks, a bunch of blocks, and a pile of trucks and baby dolls. I was wearing the same oversized t shirt for the second or third day in a row. It was Cody's first weekend back at work and I was on my own with all 5 kids. Cub and Cozi were 8 days old, and Dax had a 101 temp. A side effect of the horrible ear infection he had developed. He needed his mommy. So did Cub and Cozi, especially every 2 hours when they needed to nurse. H and P wanted my attention too. They were still trying to adjust to having new babies around AND we were trying to get ready for them to start Kindergarten. They needed me. ALL 5 of them. And there was just one of me. That night, Cody's silence was golden. He just smiled and took the babies, and told me to go take a bath. Hot Baths are my saving grace sometimes...
My hormones were a wreck, I was sleep deprived, and I was about to have to send my biggest babies to Kindergarten. Weekends are the hardest because, right now, he works. It sucks because we are by ourselves. But, that wasn't the last time Cody has come home to me crying. Actually a lot of days he did. He still does. He didn't have to ask, because he already knew what was wrong with me. I wasn't crying because of stress or sleep deprivation. I was crying because I was scared I wasn't enough. I feared I wasn't going to be the momma that all 5 of them deserved. I was crying because I wanted so badly to figure out a way to homeschool H and P. The thought of them leaving us throughout the day to attend school crushed my bones. I had a dozen missed calls, and even more texts that I didn't respond to. Sorry, friends. You wanna come visit? Forget it. I'm a stubborn woman and I didn't want anyone else to see me vulnerable... and messy...and emotional. Not to mention my messy house. I needed my time. To be honest, I'm still kinda avoiding visitors. And I was pretty selfish and wanted my babies all to myself too.
But I'm getting ahead of myself...
First off...meet the two newest loves of our lives...Cub and Cozi.
Let's rewind to their delivery. July 23rd, 2015. It was by far, the best delivery I have had so far. I went in at 5 am and they were here at noon. My epidural worked better than the past ones. This wasn't my first rodeo so I knew what was coming. I also knew that a bag of pitocin would be delivered straight from Satan himself, since he is the one who creates that stuff. I was also smart enough to ask for drugs! Been there, done that...and I sure knew I wanted to meds! Advice for new mommas...get an epidural. ;) Ofcourse, I was super emotional, as always. Mom was sure to document that with the pictures she took. We were all excited for the babies to be here! But it was scary too. Cody, Momma, Rhonda, and Nana were in the room to witness their arrival. :)
Best Doctor...EVER!
Cozi Blu Harper was born first...weighing in at a whopping 4 pounds and 14 ounces.
She was literally out in one push, y'all. You know in movies when the girl sneezes and the baby comes out? I swear it was like that, haha! My girl was blowing kisses as soon as she entered the world! :)
Cub Sullivan Harper arrived 30 minutes later. He made momma work a lot harder to get him here...
Momma Bear's little Cub. He weighed 4 pounds 8 ounces. He looks so much like Hudson! And Cozi looks just like Paislee!
The picture above was taken shortly after delivery. Did I mention I felt like I was dying shortly after? Haha, I looked like death...that was for sure. I was so tired and felt a bit overwhelmed and drunk. My husband, sweet nurse, Beth, and my two best friends witnessed my meltdown shortly after. I knew something wasn't right because I felt extremely weak. After losing a lot of blood, they gave me several rounds of pitocin. I was so exhausted and was waking up from light slumbers with very ugly curse words spewing off my lips involuntarily. I called my poor mom, who had left to grab a quick bite to eat, to inform her that I needed her back ASAP. I told her that no one warned me "I'd be going into DAMN labor again." Please, God, forgive me for what I said while I was in pain. Poor Cody didn't know what to do. He wasn't used to me cursing like that. But I really needed my momma, and she came back pretty fast.
Cub and Cozi were perfectly healthy and needed no NICU time...can I get a "Hallelujah?"!!!
BE STILL MY HEART...
These were the moments when nothing else mattered...my heart was full. We were all smitten over our two new additions. The hardest part of the hospital stay was being away from Hudson, Paislee, and Dax. Mom told me to rest and enjoy my time away, because things would get crazy when we all got home. But that's all we know...that's our life and we love it. I bawled like a baby missing them. Our FaceTime chats made me wanna jerk the IV out of my arm, grab my babies, and make an escape. Worst home sick ever! The doctor on call that Sunday took her sweet time making her rounds to discharge us. Mom and my sister in laws, Haley and Hannah, had stayed at our house to make it easier on the kids. I was never so happy to go home and be with Cody and all our babies. Even though it was crazy at home, I had never felt more at peace with my life. Just when we were settled at home the next week this happened...
He will kill me for posting this pic. It may embarrass him, but hey, at least I'm not discussing his testicles this time, haha! We were ALL bawling like babies the night before school. Cody kept telling me to pull it together and then he had a meltdown during their bedtime story.
Tears...
Leaving that parking lot without them, was the hardest thing I've ever done. I went home, cried, drank coffee, cried some more. Then I began Facebook stalking all of my friends that work at their school. Heather, Cristin, and Danielle...thank you for comforting this momma by checking on them and sending me pics. You're the best!
God answered a huge prayer last week, when daddy got hired there. We are all so excited that he is at the same school with them! We have now been in school a month and H and P love it. They have made sweet friends and they LOVE their teacher! I have to say, I am pretty proud of myself too. I bit my tongue when Paislee came home one day and said her friend didn't wanna play with her at recess. But it hurt my heart. I didn't call and tattle to the teacher when a little boy made fun of Hudson for crying over missing me. But I'm taking names, and those kiddos are on my shit list. A place you don't wanna be, even if you're 5. :) I'm kidding not really!!! And guess what...I haven't yanked them out and threatened to homeschool. Anyone else, proud?!?
We are busy, busy, busy around here! I start the day off with expectations of housework to get checked off. Usually very few, or none of them actually happen. I just washed my hair for the first time in a week today. Thank God for baby powder and dry shampoo. I don't always shave my legs, but as soon as I start, you better believe both babies start screaming their lungs out and Dax destroys every new roll of toilet paper we have. My momma told me yesterday that my car was too messy and I really needed to shave my toes. Seriously? Haha! Can someone tell her I have 5 kids? I'm pretty sure I still have flecks of polish stained from Easter. Yes, I know my car smells like spoiled sippy cups and pee pee diapers. Get off my case, lady. You worry about your toes and I'll worry about mine, haha! ;)
I do tend to beat myself up a whole lot lately. I have a bad case of post partum momma guilt. I cried so hard to Cody a couple weeks ago over this. I want to be the momma that they deserve all the time. I am still having a hard time giving them all individual attention. I just wanna be enough for them. God has blessed me more that I deserve and I wanna be the best momma for them. But the fact that 5 little people are so dependent on me, is overwhelming. What if I screw this up? Dear Lord, please don't let them be discussing me in therapy when they are adults. Let me be patient, no matter how tired I am. Let me hear every story they tell me...all 501 stories a day. Let me look them in the eye and let them know how important they are. I never want them to forget, through all the chaos, that they are my happy place. My crazy happy place. Everything I do is for them. I don't want them to remember all the laundry piles and dishes. I don't want them to think I was a neglectful mom for letting them keep their room messy most of the time. I don't want them to remember me for saying the word shit too much in front of them. Especially when I trip on all the hot wheels and clean up the 20th cup of spilled juice. Or when Dax steals every pacifier from Cub and Cozi and hides them, especially right after they've fallen asleep. Sleep Deprivation can make a momma grumpy sometimes.
I have to take a minute and brag on this guy. ^^^ Over the past couple years, I have watched him transform into the best husband and daddy I know. He has become more patient, loving, and helpful to me. He made sure the first few weeks that I got to take a nap every day since I was up most of the night nursing. He has played with the kids and changed diapers. He has been there for me and comforted me when I felt like a crazy mess. He kept me sane. He helped me through labor. He held my hand through the first day of Kindergarten for H and P. You're a good man, Cody Harper. Fatherhood looks good on you, babe. And I think we make a great team. I love you more than I did 12 years ago when we first got together.
I know this is a lot to read...but I have to end this post with these pics...
One year ago, I began this blogging journey. I decided to step outside my comfort zone and share our stories of infertility and overcoming it. I am so glad I did. You guys have been such awesome support and prayer warriors for us. A year ago, we decided it was time to bring some of our frosties home, where they belong...with us.
How does anyone say that God isn't real? How can anyone tell us to be "done," even though we have 4 embryos left. By the way, please don't ever let me hear you say that...or you'll be on my list too, lol. These two sweet babies were in that bunch of frosties last year, just waiting for us. We will give them ALL a chance at life. A chance to join this crazy family...and pray hard that they wanna stay too.
It is still sinking in that we are a family of 7! But we are loving every minute of it. I praise God that this was his beautiful plan for us. I can't wait to see where the future takes us. I have LOTS of funny stories to tell, so I promise to blog again soon! Until then, Love and Babydust!
