We all know the feeling. I'll never forget the time I felt that snub little emotion for the first time. I was standing in the nursery of my unborn twins. My belly was rather large, as I was around 7 months pregnant. I took a look around the room and tears flowed down my cheeks. The reason sounds very cheesy, but it was a legit reason in my mommy mind. On Paislee's pink side of the room, she had more stuffed animals lined up than Hudson did on his blue side. I felt so guilty. You know the kind...mommy guilt. It's the worst. I immediately called my mother and told her I HAD to go to Bowling Green that night to get Hudson another stuffed animal for the nursery. Through my tears, I heard a few faint giggles that she tried to disguise. She blamed it on the hormones. I didn't care what it was. But I had to make it right. So what did I do? I waddled into Dillards and spent $20 on the cutest little brown stuffed puppy that I could find. As I placed it on the blue side of the nursery that night, I felt relief. You see, my biggest fear as a twin momma, was that one would feel left out. I always wanted them to feel equally loved and adored. I would spend my whole life making sure that happened. Then, Dax came along. He was my singleton. I worried he would feel left out because he didn't have a twin. So I feel like I have spoiled him even worse.
As I scroll through my news feed on Facebook, I see it all the time. Mommy wars. Conversations, arguments, offensive statuses and blog posts. Breastmilk vs. Formula. Stay at home vs. Working Mommas. Vaccinations vs. Non Vaccinations. Organic vs. (Normal) Food. Natural vs. Conventional Childbirth. The thing is every mother is faced with each of those choices for their child. And the fact is, most all of us have our child's very best interest at heart. Since when is it ok to build ourselves up by tearing other mommas down? Let's be honest...we all judge sometimes. I know I do. I sometimes question in my mind why mother's don't try harder to breastfeed when I see them get formula out for their newborn. I wonder why some would rather pay a babysitter and go into the workforce instead of staying home with their children. But you know what? ...I don't know their hearts or their situation. It is not my business or my place to judge. In all reality, we know there is no such thing as the perfect mother. But you know what? There are a million ways to be an awesome one. We often beat ourselves up. And when we aren't doing that, we are putting other mommas down.
If you are for "natural" childbirth, that is awesome! But don't shame the tired mother that opted for an edipural. I have experienced both sides, and I don't think it makes you more of a woman by not getting some relief. We are human. That amount of pain isn't fathomable until you are in the moment. Get drugs, you deserve it. :) But if you went through it completely natural, I am reaching through my laptop right now and patting you on the back. You rock, Momma! Just my opinion. And those that are debating vaccinations. Just stop. No one is going to completely agree on the subject. We all google and see scary things, but I don't think anyone knows the "right" answer on that topic. There are still a couple shots that my children have not received because I didn't see it necessary. We also decided to delay others, just to be safe. But think of it this way, the mother you are preaching to about vaccinating their child, may have another child in their family with autism. They may have a fear that THEIR decision as a mother caused that. And that may just be the deciding factor in their decision. Like I said before, we are all doing the best we can. Stop judging and start uplifting.
Last week I heard a report on the news that Kraft Singles cheese is one factor away from being plastic. I freaked out a little. Shit! I have been feeding my kids plastic sandwiches. I am a horrible mom! So I went to Sams, and bought "real" cheese and lunch meat without carcinogens. Kraft tastes much better, but at least I can count cheese off of my conscience. Now that I am pregnant I analyze everything. I feel guilty when I have a tuna sandwich or a glass of tea. Mercury AND caffeine? How could you, Andi?!? Most of the time, my house is a disaster, yet I feel like I clean and do laundry all of the time. When I am cleaning, I feel guilty because I am not sitting down with the kids. But when we are playing and there are dishes stacked up, I feel bad for not having the housework done. Ugh! When does it end? Here's the thing...there just are not enough hours in the day. Some days, the dishes will be done and other days the sink will be overflowing. And I'll just be honest with you and with myself , the laundry will NEVER be caught up. But you know what, my priorities are in order. I take care of 3 small children and am growing 2 more inside of me. I cook most of their meals. BUT, we also have lots of slushies and corn dogs too. I cook broccoli, beans, and carrots...but we do Mcdonalds sometimes too. I like to think that I am expanding there palette. ;) Sometimes, we don't read books or practice our handwriting...because I am tired. Some days we watch too many movies because I am puking from all the morning/all day sickness. Regardless, of how awesome our day has went...at bedtime every night...I tend to analyze every decision I made that day.
-"You let them have too many sweets today."
-"Did they brush their teeth enough?"
-"You shouldn't have yelled."
-"You should take them to the library more...you've never done that."
-"You shouldn't say shit in front of them."
-"Where did my 4 year old learn to twerk? You should really work on that."
-"You should spend more one on one time with the hubby. You really should have sex more often."
-"You shouldn't text during the day or answer emails. Be present 24/7."
-"You should make more healthy meals."
-"Why can't you be organized like other mom's. You are a mess and so is your car."
-"Dax ate half a crayon today...you shouldn't have let him color that valentine."
.....The list is never-ending. Mommas, you feel me?
But you know what? I woke up this morning and I kept 3 sweet babies happy and their bellies were full. We made valentines and had cheesy potato soup for lunch. Even though their is a whopping pile of laundry sitting next to me...we did clean one bedroom today...AND the kitchen. We built forts this week out of old quilts and beach towels. We did foot massages and Paislee did my makeup. We have laughed, we have danced in our pj's, and we've cuddled a lot. We have made chocolate chip pancakes and took turns stirring. So instead of feeling so guilty tonight, I am gonna trade it in for a cookie or a pickle. ;)
As momma's we all have something in common. We are all part of a common sisterhood. Why are we constantly battling each other? Little things throughout our day, already trigger the mommy guilt. We shouldn't be bringing that feeling to fellow mommas. It's not fair. Why can't we just say "good job, momma." Why can't we just offer a smile instead of an opinion? I have seen first hand this week, that little girls can be mean at a very young age. You know why? We are setting that example. They hear their mothers and other women they look up to, constantly gossiping and judging other mommas because they do things different. I once heard a quote that stood out to me and made me really think. "You teach your child to either love like you love or hate like you hate." Let's raise our kids to LOVE not hate. Encourage not argue. Let's set an example, mommas. Stop the momma shaming. Let's start showing each other mutual respect. We are all on the same team. And let's try to let go of the guilt a little more often. As always, thanks for reading and sharing my totally random web of thoughts. Love and God bless!
Between the sickness this pregnancy has brought along and the exhaustion associated with the first trimester, blogging has been a hard priority to juggle. We had a little scare last week with some bleeding, but after an ultrasound and visit with Dr. Gass, our fears were eased and the babies looked beautiful and healthy! Praise God! We also got an awesome surprise last week when we got to visit Natasha at Precious Views to get an HD peek at our twinkies. These new ultrasounds she is doing are AH-MAZING, and so is she! Check out the peek we got last week...
We get to see them again next week and I can hardly wait to see how they have grown! Last week their heart rates were 176 and 167. I am 10 weeks now, and this pregnancy is FLYING by way faster than my other 2 pregnancies. Probably because my other 3 littles are keeping me on my toes all the time! I have been super sick, super constipated (gross I know), and VERY emotional. I never remember being this emotional with my other 2 pregnancies. More people have hurt my feelings and made me bawl my eyes out for hours...and they don't. even. know it. But my babies do and Cody does too, poor guy. He tries to understand why I am crying, but half of the time it doesn't even make sense. My sweet Paislee rubs my back and tells me it's ok. How precious is that? The boys don't even really notice. Pretty typical, guys, huh? Haha.
Now that I am starting to show, I get a variety of reactions from strangers. The comments that seems to be most common are "Are you crazy?" and "Doesn't your husband know what causes that?" I just smile and give a fake laugh most of the time. What they don't realize is that, I, too, have a keen sense of humor with just a tad of sarcasm. I have lots of responses that pop in my mind when I hear those comments, but I don't want to be rude or make anyone feel uncomfortable with my smarta$$ness. <<<<<Is that a word? I would, however, love to see the look on their faces if I did respond by saying, "Actually my husband watched my friend Christine get me pregnant this time around." Haha!
But enough about that...the topic of this blog is a piece of my past. All that you all have read have been positive stories about our fertility struggles and triumphs with IVF. The official statistics for an average IVF cycle have a success rate of 40-50% per cycle. According to our past cycles, we have been very successful. We have gotten pregnant 3 out of 4 times. I realize that is so awesome that the odds and blessings have been in our favor 75 % of the time. We serve an awesome God who heard our cries and healed our broken, empty arms and hearts. But there was that one time, when it wasn't OUR time...and it simply wasn't meant to be...
After having Hudson and Paislee, I felt so complete and happy. I never really felt the NEED to get in rush to have another. We lived in the moment and thoroughly enjoyed every milestone. I will never forget the day that I felt like it was time to start trying again. It was September. It was a beautiful crisp, early fall day. Hudson, Paislee, and I were at the park and I was pushing them on the swings. I don't know what it was, maybe the fact that they were 2 and a half...or the change of seasons. But I just knew it was time. I called the fertility clinic and set up a consult for Cody's fall break. We hit the ground running and didn't look back. Our doctor convinced us that since we were so young and so successful, that we should only transfer 1 embryo that time. We didn't argue. We loved our twins so much...but I longed for the desire to experience a single, full term baby. Cody and I also agreed on another factor...we would keep this cycle a secret from everyone...including family.
When you experience infertility and go through something like IVF, everyone, including those close to you, are prepared for each step of the process. It is all a build up. The hormones, injections, egg retrieval, ultrasounds, did I mention injections??? Then you have the embryo transfer, the wait, and the pregnancy test. If you didn't already know, I am an open book. I will pour my whole heart out to a complete stranger and tell her my fertility story within minutes of meeting. Nothing secretive about this gal. I've always saw those sweet little pregnancy surprise videos on youtube and Facebook and had just a tad bit of jealousy. We have never gotten to surprise anyone with news like that...they always were prepared and saw it coming. So...the plan was to keep it a secret and tell our families at Christmas. Boy was that a hard secret to keep. Especially from my momma. I told her everything. Emily, my aunt and my nana, the best secret keeper EVAHHH knew, and they were sworn to secrecy. We went through the WHOLE thing, without spilling the beans. We transferred one beautiful embryo. We had such high expectations. Even the embryologist and our doctors told us they would be "shocked" if we were not successful. 4 days after my transfer, Cody was giving me my nightly injection in my hip when I burst into tears without warning. He thought he had hit the bone or something when he heard my sudden outburst. "IT....DIDN'T...WORK!" I finally after many ugly tears. I knew it. Mommas know things. I cannot explain it...but I knew in my heart that our baby didn't stay this time. I called my nana and told her what I'd just revealed to Cody. I wanted so badly for her response to be, "Oh, I'm sure it worked! Don't be upset, honey...it's still early...you don't know that." Or..."I have a good feeling about it!" All I heard on the other end of the line was silence through my tears. You see...she knew too. She did not tell me what I wanted to hear that night. Instead...she told me the truth. She said she had been praying so hard for this to work for us. And let me tell you, girls...my nana is the most Godly woman I know. She is pretty tight with the big guy upstairs. She said after praying without ceasing...she never felt a peace come over her like she did when she felt like her prayers were answered. Sometimes, God doesn't always say, "yes."
This is the same way that I felt. So what did I do? I broke down and called my momma. I told her everything and she was in shock and impressed that we had kept it all a secret. But she did what she is good at...she built those spirits back up. She kind of got me excited. At times...being around my mother is like walking into a room and being greeted by one of those crazy wild yorkie dogs. She's a whole lot of personality, but guaranteed to get you out of the dumps. SO she believes it DID work...and I started to believe her...just a little bit. I took early HPT's and saw nothing but the ugliest white I have ever seen. The day came for my blood test. Waiting for that call seemed like 10 days. My nurse finally called around 3:30 that afternoon. My heart raced when I heard the phone ring. But I knew when I heard the tone in her voice, that my suspicions were right. My heart broke. It broke even more to call and tell Cody and then my family that knew. It was also hard because no one really even realized that my heart was breaking, because they didn't know what was even going on, due to our secret plan.
The fact is, that yes, we already had a beautiful boy and girl. We were VERY blessed. I knew all of that. And if I didn't have H and P, it would have been MUCH harder to deal with. But I still felt such a sense of loss. My body had failed me. It had not accepted the one thing I wanted so badly. I had been poked and prodded for months. I had watched on the screen while they placed that sweet embryo inside of me. I knew that it was there, surrounded by all of my love. And now I had to face the reality that my baby was gone. It didn't stay. I would never get to see that heartbeat or know whether it was a boy or girl. Though, I have never experienced a miscarriage, I feel like this experience was pretty close to just that. We have lost 3 of our embryos, and I know...without a doubt...that they are waiting for me in Heaven.
So that, my friends, is why I never, ever, want to transfer "just 1" again. With IVF, you put your body and soul through so much. I would have much rather have gotten a phone call telling me I was pregnant with twins, than not pregnant at all. I know this was all part of God's perfect will and plan for our lives. And though that was a sad time, I had 2 sweet babies that helped heal momma's heart. I feel like that experience was God's way of opening my eyes to having more than one set of multiples. God was also preparing us for our next blessing...sweet baby Dax...whom we would conceive 2 short months later.
Thank you all for allowing me to open my heart and share our fertility journey with all of you. I am so humbled to have such an awesome support system! Can't wait to tell the next leg of our journey and update you on the twinkies along the way! Thanks for reading and SHARING! :)
So the last couple weeks have been anything but glamorous. I have worn barely any makeup when I have to leave the house, and my wardrobe consists of my old yoga pants and pullover sweatshirts. When I am at home, an oversize tshirt and no bra is how I roll. There is something about all that puking, that makes you not wanna get too fancy. Several people, including my doctors have told me I look very pale or sick, you know, just a nice way to tell me what I already know. That I look like shit. I know my hubby is secretly hoping this phase passes soon ;)...even though he won't admit it. These hormones can be pretty scary...and he knows not to go there. He has been pretty awesome about letting me nap when he gets home, pregnant sleep is the best sleep. But sometimes it's hard to sleep with a 30 pound baby beside you, especially when H and P end up piling in the bed too. Cody has also been getting me nerd slushies from Sonic on demand. I swear, this past Tuesday, it was the only thing I drank that didn't come back up soon after. My choice in meals is dwindling down because so many things have made me sick. I begged for hot fingers from Zaxbys a few days ago, and they were amazing! They hit the spot! But, sister, let me tell ya...they did NOT taste good coming back up. My nose was still burning the next day. Yuck! Enough about the puking, Andi.
Right now, I am 8 weeks and my belly has already started to pop out a little. I got my final ultrasound and appointment with our fertility clinic this week. Our sweet babies are growing right on target! Their little heartbeats were strong and the sweetest little flickers ever. My heart could've bursted with love! Even though this aint my first rodeo, it is just as exciting! How blessed am I that I get to experience twins again? I cannot get over it. Everything was so exciting with H and P, because they had each other. I think every sibling should have a twin ;). My poor Daxie Poo may be my only singleton. But, don't worry...he'll have lots of siblings to keep him company. And he may be a little extra spoiled. He is 15 months tomorrow and he STILL takes a bottle. Go ahead. Judge me. You know you want to. He also hogs our bed in the middle. No sleep training for that little dude. Did I mention everyone in this house spoils him a little too much? :) Anyways, back to my story. Last visit with Nashville Fertility. Bittersweet. I love all of our doctors and nurses there! Especially the crazy blood draw lady, who always gets it on the first stick. I assured them that we would, indeed be back for our other 4 embryos in the future. They are awesome, but expensive babysitters for our little frost babies. I am going to be getting a plan soon on weaning off of my intramuscular shots in the next month. WOOHOO! My hips will be so glad! They are so sore lately from being poked and prodded nightly! The hubby was also happy to hear that the "no sex" rule had finally been lifted. The one thing that is supposed to "get you pregnant" is a "no no" often times in the world of fertility treatments and early pregnancy thereafter. The staff said they'd miss me and they were even so sweet to give me a "going away" gift. Another large medical bill. How sweet of them! :) I am glad that all of those countless Nashville trips are now behind us. I think I could get to Charlotte Avenue in my sleep. I like the drive to my OB in Bowling Green much better.
January is one of my favorite months. Everyone thinks I am crazy when I say that. It is one of the only times of the year I slow down a little with my photography. I love my job, but being with my kids is my favorite. I have awesome clients who I love, but you won't find me at my studio from 9-5 during the week. That's not the most important aspect of my life. Being a momma is. We love to be home in the winter time. We stay in our jammies, do lots of cuddling, play in the floor, work on our handwriting, and make lots of messes. Life seems to slow down in the wintertime...and I like it. We are homebodies around here. It is also hitting me that this is our "last January" with H and P at home during the day. Next year, they will be in school. That statement is a hard pill to swallow. I have cried at the thought of it more than once this week. I know I will still have Dax at home and TWO newborns to keep me company...but they are my first babies. And I will miss them terribly. Homeschooling is still in the back of my mind...even though Cody and my mother think that's simply a terrible idea on my part. I guess they want them to learn something. ;) When you are at home all day, believe it or not, it is HARD to keep your house clean. I have been taking it one room at a time. Thank God my sweet friend, Jennifer came last week and helped me with my Christmas mess. Mom also came on Sunday and we gave my cabinets a good cleaning and threw away 6 garbage bags full! I read one of my favorite Christian blogs this week about stay at home mommas. It clearly stated that you should be a faithful servant in your home and should be doing your wifely/motherly duties by keeping your house tidy. That's a nice thought...but it is crap. Sorry Proverbs 31, I do not agree with you. Though, I agree you should have the happy heart of a servant...it is not sinful to have a messy home. It happens. In fact, it is nearly IMPOSSIBLE to keep your house tidy when you have more than one child at home playing and demanding snacks and zippy cups around the clock. As mommas, we do the best we can. But, your kids should always come first. Laundry can wait. If you don't believe me, FaceTime me tomorrow and I'll show you my whopping piles ;).
There is never...EVER a dull moment with a 1 year old and 2 4 year olds. Today we had a little drama and break down, that was quite amusing. If I had caught it on video, I have a feeling we would've had yet another viral video...I'm not kidding either. All day, Dax has tried to dump plates and cups AND tried to get into the potty to splash. Tonight, he thought he would "one up" me. Our little dog, Gidgit, has been inside due to the cold temperatures. So tonight, I thought Dax was crunching on spilled Cheerios, but I was wrong. He had a huge handful of dog food he was crunching on, and he loved it. I tried to unclench his teeth to get it out, but it was impossible. I tried my best, all while Hudson was bawling his eyes out and screaming at me to do something. He is a tad overprotective and freaks out if he thinks Dax is in harm. He threw a huge fit and told me "I was a BAD...BAAAAADDDD MOMMY!" All because I "let" Dax eat Dog food and I didn't scream and freak out along with Hudson. I didn't call poison control. It was one handful, I know it wasn't gonna hurt him. Every kid needs a little dog food now and then...good protein. Kidding. I hope you hear the sarcasm in my voice. Atleast he worries and is protective. Gotta love him.
I could BLOG another hour, but I tend to be sicker at nighttime, and I've had to take a couple breaks already to go hurl. Atleast we know those sweet babies are healthy! We are so blessed and I will take every symptom that I get. Next week I will be blogging about our second IVF cycle that as unsuccessful, you won't wanna miss it. Thanks always for reading faithfully and SHARING! LOVE you all! :)
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