New Year's Eve...Momma Style

      Blame it on Christmas.  Blame it on our busy holiday schedule.  Blame it on exhaustion.  Shame. On. Me.  It has been 2 weeks since my last blog post and I give you my deepest apologies!  Most of you all have been keeping up with us on FB and know we have such exciting things going on around here.  I meant to blog last night, but I fell asleep. And I threatened my husband when he tried to awake me from my pregnant slumber. The past couple of weeks I have been haunted by a couple of poltergeists named nausea and vomitting.   They will not leave me alone.  When I lay my head on the pillow and when my feet hit the floor in the mornings, there they are.  Though I am very sick this time around, I am counting that as a blessing.  Because, you see, there are TWO sweet babies growing and making momma's hormone levels hit the roof.  We are so excited to be experiencing the gift of twins yet, again.  I feel like I am walking on cloud 9.  The fact that this summer, I will be a momma of FIVE kiddos five and under is so exciting!  I know, I may or may not have lost my mind.  But we are looking forward to the challenge.  Paislee has told me several times that she was really hoping for 3 babies, but 2 would be just fine.  :)
      Since Christmas we have been so busy!  The day after, we went for our ultrasound.  After calling 3 different times, I finally talked to a nurse that agreed to book my ultrasound earlier than planned!  Yay!  Please don't be mad at me, sweet nurse, Kellie! ;)  I am so glad that she did.  I knew in my heart there were 2 in there.  But I was so nervous about seeing both heartbeats.  My sweet IVF buddy calmed my fears through email that morning.  My fear was that we wouldn't see them yet, since it was so early, and then I might have a panic attack.  But, we did.  And though this isn't my first rodeo, it was just as exciting to see both of those little flickers on the screen.  My heart was so happy and at peace.  Our doctor entered the room shortly after to discuss our visit with us.  She asked if we were upset it was twins again.  She said that sometimes patients are upset at that news.  Are you kidding me?  Anyone goes down the road of fertility should NOT be mad or upset when they find out they are carrying more than one.  You should feel blessed, that is all.  Beggars can't be choosers.  I would much rather have 10 babies than no babies at all.  My loving and impatient mother waited for us downstairs and entertained the kiddos.  They anxiously awaited the news when we stepped off of the elevator.

Their little faces were priceless when we told them the news!  We go back for another ultrasound next week.  And THEN...I will get to go see Dr. Gass.  Have I mentioned that we love him? Best OB ever!  We always look forward to seeing him and his sweet nurses each visit.  They are the best!  With twins, also comes many ultrasounds.  I am looking forward to seeing my little beans often!  Cannot wait to find out the genders! Already working on those creative baby names! ;)

      The days that followed the ultrasound consisted of my poor little man, Hudson getting sick.  A trip to a Cheer Competition at Opryland, and a short mini vacay to the mountains with my sweet in laws.  We took our triple stroller along with us and everyone that passed told us how full our hands must be.  I loved to see the looks on their faces when we responded by telling them we were expecting twins.  Some looked shocked, others congratulated us, and the rest, well they thought we were joking.  You know how Justin Timberlake brought sexy back?  We wanna make big families "cool" again.  If we have to drive an ugly church van, we will rock it. :) Anyways,  I was sick a lot...I ate a lot...and my phone was dead most of the time.  And I loved that.  No trivia crack for me.  This gal loves it when her phone goes dead.  No distractions.  By the way, if you play trivia crack, DELETE it.  Yes, mother in law I am talking to you.  Yes, mom, you too.  It will suck your life away and you will be glued to an electronic device 24/7.  Just don't do it, friends, lol.  Don't go to the dark side.  Did I mention that I let my phone die pretty often?  I say this all while my uptight hubby is frantically searching for my charger and fussing at me for not charging it, lol.  He seems to think that is irresponsible.  He's no fun at all.  Gotta love him.  My Paislee won her competition and did such an awesome job.  She is coached by the best, Ms. Drew Bewley, we love her.  My Nashie felt better and got to swim and have fun, and Dax was super baby and just went with the flow.  We had a great time,  but we are all so glad to be back at home tonight.  We had to get a little wild and crazy on New Year's like we always do.  I say this, while I am sipping lemonade out of my batman cup.  We had hot dogs and cheese dip in the middle of the living room floor while watching New Year's Rockin Eve and having our own little dance party.  My kids have moves!  They get it from their momma, lol!  But you know we may need to work on them when we have to yell "NO pelvic thrusting!"  Haha!  I cuddled my Dax and fed him too much cheese dip,  brushed tangles out of Paislee's damp hair, and fixed my Hudson a hot dog just how he likes it.  And I did this all with the man I love.   The man I love to tease and the man who I annoy to get me snacks every hour.  The man who has changed more poopy diapers this week and cleaned up my puke when I can't aim perfectly at the toilet bowl.  I don't give him enough credit sometimes.  Oh how our New Year's Eves have changed since having kids.  It's a far cry from the bar hopping and clubbing we used to do several years ago.  Those were the days.  Don't freak out, Nana...it is a joke.  Ok...so I lied.  Never, have I ever done those things on New Years, lol.  Had to add a little excitement.  I have always been an old soul and a little boring, I guess.  Every other New Years's that I can remember have been spent on the couch with Cody watching the ball drop.  The kids made it til 10 pm.  Woohoo!
      Mommas, if you happen to be out bar hopping or spending New Year's Eve with someone other than your family and kids, then shame on you.  Yeah, I said it.  2014 will never be here again.  Why not ring in the new year with your little people.  They should be the most important part of your life anyways, and it's their holiday too, remember that.  The glory days are over.  Throw on an oversize t shirt and stay in the comfort of your own home.
      I look over my life this past year and I feel so much love it hurts.  Things have almost been so good, that you worry that it's your turn for something bad to happen to you.  The scariest part about having so many children is that each time, my heart gets split into even more pieces.  My heart will soon be in fifths.  And I know one day, many years from now, they will all be out on their own celebrating New Years Eve.  I can only hope and pray that the values and morals we are instilling in them, they will carry throughout their lives.  I know I will worry and I will pray for them.  And maybe, I can be that fun mom.  And they will all wanna be piled up at home eating junk food with me.  A momma can wish, right? ;)  My New Year's Resolution is to get more organized and be present.  I feel like that is the best gift you can give.  Be present, make eye contact when having conversations...even if it is about a unicorn or ninja turtles.  They know when you are listening and when you aren't.  And if we don't listen to the "little things,"  they may not tell us the "big things" later on.  And let's be honest, I have got to get more organized since I am going to soon be a momma a 5.  My sweet friend is coming this week to help me start with my house.  I PROMISE I will keep my blog going weekly, whether I have to peel my eyes open or not.  Please continue to pray for our new sweet babies that they will continue to be healthy.   Thanks, as always, for reading and SHARING my jumbled mess of thoughts.  I wish each of you a very HAPPY and BLESSED New Year!  Love you all, mean it!

I'm dreaming of an Early Ultrasound

      So the verdict is in...we are officially pregnant!  Yay!  Even after all of those countless 15 pregnancy tests, it felt awesome to have my nurse call and confirm it!  I was very anxious to see what my levels were.  With Hudson and Paislee they were 381, with Dax they were 301, this time....1,476. Yeah, you read that right... one thousand...four hundred seventy six.  When she told me that number I broke into a cold sweat and thought I might just pass out or throw up...one of the two.  You see, though those numbers prove nothing, your HCG levels after IVF can give you a hint if you may be carrying multiples.  In my case, I can bet you I probably am.  I am thinking it's twins.  My mom says triplets, and Paislee and Hudson say it's 4.  Haha!  Not funny. :)  My nurse told me that since my initial numbers were so high, she expected my levels to rise by about 1/3 in 48 hours.  Multiples do not scare me.  I am ready for the challenge and would love to get to experience twins again!  Yesterday I got the call that they had came back a little higher.  4,074.  They almost quadrupled!  YAY! This is good news, though.  It means that they are rising,  which indicates very healthy baby/babies.  I knew my levels have to be high! I am weepy, exhausted and STARVING.  Seriously, Taco Bell came to town at the best time ever! I go for my final blood level check tomorrow.  Praying for good results then as well!  Ultrasound will be on the 29th.  Oh how I wish they'd do it next week, but no such luck!  I have begged...I have pleaded...I have sweet talked...but no one is budging.  Don't they know it's almost Christmas!  Please, for the love of God, tell me if I need to be in the market for one of those ugly Church/airport shuttle vans.  Trust me, we know that's in our future.  And that is totally fine.  But I am hoping to get a few more years out of my suburban first! :)  
      The holidays are next week, and I am hoping we don't get any negative/rude feedback about adding onto our family.  Apparently, sometimes people aren't as excited as you when it's your 4th or 5th baby.  Call me crazy, but I think your 4th baby deserves just as much excitement and happiness as your first.  And we are so excited...all of us!   Paislee, my chatterbox, told me tonight that she was so excited to be a big sister again...and that she was very thankful for that.  And she was thankful for her 2 brothers too.  That made my heart so happy and made me a little teary eyed.  Tonight at dinner a nice little old man was joking and was telling us just "how full our hands" were.  He proceeded to jokingly tell us that all we needed was a couple more kids.  Haha!  I told Cody he should've told him that there were actually a couple in the oven at the moment.  Anytime I go to the grocery with the kids or to the mall, I get told, "better you than me,"  or "boy, you sure have your hands full."  Others just stare at me like I have 3 heads.   You're right, I am so glad that it's me instead of you.  I am mommy.  And right now, I...Mommy, am the most important person in their lives.  Not meaning to knock Daddy...he's pretty important too.  But being a mommy to them during these years in their lives is irreplaceable.  When my sons are older they will one day have a wife who will love them and take care of them.  But right now,  I am their person.  I am Paislee's bestest friend.  I am their mommy.      And I love them more than anything in the whole world.  And yes, my hands are full, but my heart is exploding with love that only a mother knows.  I know most are being kind and making conversation.  I just am anxious to what those reactions might be when they see a baby bump underneath my baby on my hip.  And those negative opinions and comments?  They simply do not matter.
        Not to sound ugly in any way, but Cody and I don't have to give an explanation every time someone asks us "why" we are having another baby.  We shouldn't feel like we are being interrogated and having to scramble for an alibi.  You see, our IVF story is quite long and there are always lots of questions, (which I am open to).  I know it isn't a decision for everyone.  Some people think one is enough and three are too many.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  Here is mine.  This is simply that path that God has chosen for us.  And I will forever be grateful.  The thing is, one day Cody and I will be gone.  Our kids will have to grieve at our graves.  Pretty depressing statement, I know.  But they will not be alone.  I know one day, hopefully a long time from now,  when I leave this world they won't be alone.  They will have 5 or more best friends for life.  Atleast that is my goal as their mom.  I want to raise them to always be close.  The bigger our family gets, we may not always get to go on fancy vacations.  Our kids may never get to have their own bedroom or a big house.  Money may, at times, be tight.  But I do know one thing, there will always be plenty of love.  There will always be someone to break up a fight, help tie shoes, and wipe away tears.  The world we live in can be so cold and far from God.  But I am hopefully raising a little army of people that will always love him and love eachother.  And I guarantee you, that may just make life a little easier.  And those little people...might just help make this cold world a little bit warmer.
      Yesterday, my nurse gave my due date.  I am due August 21st.  I was excited but I panicked a little.  You see, we planned this all out this time with the "perfect timing."  I started injections in July and we were supposed to be due to have a baby/babies in May/June of 2015.  Perfect!  It would give us time to settle in and get used to a new routine before H and P start kindergarten.  Gosh, that's so hard for me to type.  Girls, I am seriously gonna need therapy for that milestone.  All of our worlds are gonna be rocked and I am just as attached to them as they are to me.  They are with me...every day.  No daycare...no preschool...just us.  Oh, how I will miss them when they start school.  I may have to have them be "sick" pretty often...or call in a couple bomb threats.  KIDDING!  The kids tell people that "they are gonna try it for a year, and see how it works out."  Don't think I won't yank them out and homeschool.  We just can't tell my husband, ok? ;)  Getting off topic...again!!! Are you surprised?  Anyways, we realized the week before our transfer that Cody was giving me a wrong dosage of one of my meds for a couple of weeks.  I cried, cussed a little, and took a hot bath.  Cody frantically called my doctor on call and I sent all the IVF nurses I could find on FB a message and stalked them.  I knew it has screwed everything up.  It was both of our faults...simply a miscommunication.  But it was a disappointing, very expensive mistake.  Which led to a mental breakdown and a couple extra months of hormones.  So, we had our transfer a few months later and here we are.  I am obviously, not the best at math either.  I thought my due date would be September.  But no...August 21st.  I laid in bed last night and had a slight panic attack.  I.  CANNOT. ... will not...MISS...their first day of kindergarten.   I broke into a cold sweat and had a little labored breathing just thinking about that.  I never want Hudson, Paislee, or Dax to feel like I am not always there for them.  I never want them to feel neglected in any way.  I want them to know they are valued, they are special, and they are loved individually.  The fact is, if it is twins, I will probably have them before August.  And if it's just one, surely I won't go into labor that day.  Atleast, I am praying I won't.  Another thing...I am the most unorganized mom on the planet.  I lose everything and I'd forget my name if it wasn't on my birth certificate...by the way...where is my birth certificate?  I am gonna hire a professional organizer before these babies/baby are born.  
      Worrying about that day, made me start thinking about the twins starting Kindergarten...which made me depressed just thinking about it.  Shew, do any other mommies have these feelings of doom about Kindergarten?  Anyways, after praying about the situation I felt much better.  I realized, as crazy as this may sound, that Satan was trying to steal my joy.  He was trying his best to distract me from the big picture.  My due date shouldn't be an issue.  And I should be ashamed for worrying the week after being blessed so big!  Shame on me.  I have a beautiful, healthy baby/babies growing inside me right now.  Not only is that such a miracle and answered prayer in itself, but Dax is going to get to be very close in age with them.  This is something I have wanted for him so badly.  Hudson and Paislee are super close. And though Dax isn't a twin, I still want him to have a sibling close in age to him.  I want him to have a playmate at home when H and P are at....ahem...tears...School.  August will for sure be crazy and chaotic.  But we will be just fine.  And this situation goes to show, that GOD is in full control.  And I have to not worry and just trust in him completely.  Whether there is 1,2,3, or 4 babies growing inside me as we speak, I can't stop smiling about it.  I am excited and happy! And I cannot wait to see how many...only a week and a half away!  I will keep you guys posted! Thank you for all the prayers and support!  Love you all!  Check back Monday for a special Christmas Mommy blog post!  Thanks, as always, for reading and SHARING! :)
   

So...I peed on a stick

      I'm sorry this post has been delayed.  I have been so tired this week.  It is also distracting to type this while my 4 year old is swinging her pink umbrella all around the house, my Hudson is trying to "wash dishes," and Dax is yelling "ho, ho, ho" every 5 seconds.  My life is quite amusing and chaotic...but I love every minute.  Back to my story...So my bed rest was peaceful.  I slept a lot.  And prayed...A lot.  I watched Hallmark movies and edited pictures too.  My mother in law brought me lunch and I ate every meal in bed, which was nice.  I expected to get a phone call from my mother that someone needed to come get my wild kiddos.   I have to say, when they are together, they can be a handful sometimes.  But they are lots of fun!  She had them for 2 whole days, folks.  I didn't think she could handle it, or break up the fights between the twins, but she did it.  Though they had to FaceTime me a few times to talk about "going to Santa's naughty list" if they didn't behave...they made it.  I missed my babies.  They never stay the night away from home, so I was "homesick" for them.  Friday they were back with me and my sweet cousin India came to help, since I still couldn't lift my Dax.  We had a great day and she was a huge help.  Saturday was a day packed full of activities.  Paislee had a cheer competition and Hudson had his football party with his friends.  I never recommend taking your baby or husband  to a cheer competition without an iPad and lots of snacks.  They will get bored and whine, both of them.  On the way to Glasgow for Hudson's party, I informed Cody that I was indeed, pregnant.  I just knew it.  I had a cold sweat and a wave of nausea.  My boobs even hurt a little.  I just had "that feeling."
      The hardest part about IVF what they call the "2 week wait."  It's a killer.  You drive yourself completely nuts wondering if you are or aren't.  You cry, you pray, ...and you wait.  Then you wait some more.  But something was different this time, I felt such a peace that I can't explain.  And I know why that is.  It is simply because of you.  Yes...you.  All the ones who have prayed for us.  I felt them, and it was overwhelming.  The bible says....to pray without ceasing.
I wondered...but I never worried.  It was like God whispered in my ear to say, "I got this." My sweet Nana says if you feel peace from God...it means your prayer has been answered.  It was quite a miracle in itself, because I'll be honest, I am a worrywart.  I worry all the time.  Especially when it is something that is beyond my control.  But this time, I just felt peace.  I felt God.  I knew his sweet spirit was carrying me through this whole thing, and regardless of the outcome, everything would be just fine.
     During your wait, You are careful not to lift anything or do anything to strenuous.  You guard your belly like you have a ticking bomb under your shirt and any bumps could set it off.  Let me tell you, girls...in my house...I'm in the middle of a war zone.  There are pillows thrown, nerd balls tossed through the air, and sippy cups pitched across the room...all the time.  It also doesn't help that I have a little cheerleader that wants to flip off everything and "stunt" on everyone's shoulders and every piece of furniture we own.  I should've been smart and worn a bullet proof vest to protect my uterus.  Or strapped pillows across me.  But my "big babies" understood that they had to be very easy with mommy and careful around my tummy.  Paislee talked to my belly and rubbed it every hour.  This part made me nervous.  I didn't have the heart to tell her if this didn't work and if my belly happened to be empty.  Hudson and Paislee were so excited!  Dax, on the other hand...he was pissed.  He is the baby of the house and VERY spoiled to me.  He loves to cuddle and be held all the time.  I rock him to sleep...every night.  He did not understand why I couldn't pick him up every time he grunted.  It broke my heart.  But I sat in the floor and still gave lots of cuddles.
      On Sunday morning we went to church, had lunch, and went to my parents to visit.  Cody went to feed his cows and me and the kiddos were just hanging out with Mom and Dad.  All of a sudden, my little man took off walking to me while standing by the couch.  I was in shock, because I didn't expect it to happen that quick and I was not expecting it.  Talk about a special moment.  There is nothing like the excitement and joy in your heart like witnessing your sweet baby's first steps.  There is an old wive's tale that says when a baby walks it is just making way for a new baby.  My Nana told me this an hour or so after Dax walked for the first time.  And a few of my Facebook friends actually commented that under the video I posted that night.  If they only knew how true that "tale" happened to be for me.
      It was 4 days after my transfer.  My blood work is 11 days after, which isn't until NEXT Monday, the 15th.  I've never followed the rules, I always cheat and take a test, but never that early.  But I couldn't resist.  I peed on a stick when I got home.  "Yuck, Mom, what are you doing?  Will that tell us if you have babies in your belly? Gross, I am never having kids,  that is disgusting."  Yep, that's word for word advice from my 4 year old.  Did I mention there is NEVER, ever a dull moment?!?  So, I didn't see anything but one big fat line, so I put it down and got the kids ready for bed.  But...I went back to peek again a few minutes later.  Is that what I think it is?  No, it's just my mind playing tricks on me.  I knew it wouldn't show up this soon.  So I yelled for Cody for a second opinion.  He wiggled it around and squinted really close.  "Yup, that's definitely 2 lines!"  "Oh my God!!! It is?  Are you sure?  You're not sure, are you? Really?  Is it positive?  Oh my God! AAAHHHHHH!!!!"  Then I jump and scream really loud.  In short,  dramatic, turret- like bursts.  <<<< I know I didn't spell that right.  I called my mom, called my mother in law, and made them promise not to tell.  But, ya know how that goes.  What does a girl do when she gets a positive pregnancy test?  She takes 5 more...ya know...just to make sure.  I woke up the next morning and took another one...ok...2 more.  Just to watch that line get darker.  I was so excited and not expecting it to show up so soon! That can only mean one thing, my levels are pretty high.  Which, HOPEFULLY means both embryos took.  Yes, I said hopefully.  We really do want them both, with all our hearts.

      I wondered whether or not I should share the news so soon on FB and my blog.   I decided yesterday, that I would.  Because, here's the thing, I have been an open book with you all from the get go.  You all have supported us, laughed with us, cried with us, and prayed for us.  Talk about an awesome support system.  When I started this blog a couple months ago, I never expected this big of a response.   I did this to bring awareness and be a "voice" for those who are experiencing infertility.  I hoped to share our story so that others wouldn't feel like they were alone in this journey.  I wanted to educate others on the process of IVF so that they could better understand how it all works.  Now, every week. I get countless emails from moms and women who are praying to be moms.  And my heart goes out to all of you.  I know that pain and I feel compassion for all of you.  I love talking and giving advice...or just lending an ear you can talk about it to.  My dream is to take my story and write a book one day.  I know it is a big dream, but it is on my bucket list. ;)  I love documenting everything about our journey, and I love that you all enjoy reading it.  I cannot thank you enough.  But anyways, back to my story.  I am getting off track again.  I decided to share this big news early and I am so glad I did.  I posted this short video to facebook yesterday.  Here is is...

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      Shortly after, we received TONS of sweet words and congratulations.  We are so grateful and excited to hear all of them.  We thank you.  But, sometimes, when you tell people you are pregnant with your 4th or in our case, possibly more, you get blank stares and it becomes a little awkward.  It's almost like you just told them you have cancer, lol.  I do have a sense of humor about this, because sometimes, those reactions are humorous.  Especially when you tell them it was very much planned.  Especially when your mom or mother in law say just how excited we all are.  Some people don't know our story and they just "don't get it."  And that is okay.  But I often wonder why big families are looked upon as a burden to so many people.  Yes, guys, we know raising a family is  expensive.   But so is that fancy vehicle drive. ;)  We will have to make sacrifices and I may or may not have to give up my Matilda Jane habit.  But...Why?  Why are the Duggars scrutinized and made fun of...but the Kardashians are praised and put on a pedestal?  A sweet momma of 5 that I admire so much, Wendee, once told me..."after the 3rd baby, people stop offering congrats."  Why do so many people look at a big family as a big burden?  It just doesn't make sense to me.  I see it as a big BLESSING!  But then again, a lot of people think I am nuts too, haha.
      After dinner last night I see that my best friend is calling me.  One emotion comes to mind...FEAR.  Anyone that knows Alicia knows that she is complete opposite of me.  She's the best.  She is organized...very organized.  She is a planner...and she is getting married in June.  I am going to be a bridesmaid.  I thought, "Oh no,  she is gonna ask me how I plan on fitting into my bridesmaid dress!  Oh, no,  she is gonna be stressing."  But when I answered, all I heard on the other line were sobs.  She was crying because she had just watched the video.  I had already texted her and told her I was pregnant, but the video brought her to tears.  She told me she was so happy and I had been through so much.  She gets me.  She doesn't judge me.  She gets me.  And she is genuinely happy for me and my decision to give all these embryos a chance.  She embraces my chaos.   And she never once mentioned me fitting into my dress or being big and pregnant in June.   And that in itself, makes me want to cry.  One of other best friends, Beth texted me this morning and said the same thing.  Our friends and family know all we've went through and they are so supportive.  Not once, have our parents scolded our decision to have 10 or 12 kids, if that is how many take.  They haven't questioned why?  Or how?  They just love us and support us always.  Which means more to us than they will ever know.
      We have a lot of hoops to jump through and we still need lots of prayers.  We go Monday for bloodwork.  Hopefully my levels will be high and healthy.  Then I have to go every other day to Nashville to get bloodwork and make sure my levels double every 48 hours.  Then on the 29th, we will go for an ultrasound to check heartbeats and see how many are in there.  We hope and pray everything will go smoothly and we will have a happy, healthy, and uneventful pregnancy.  And don't worry...I plan to blog every week.  :)  Thank you always for reading, PRAYING,  and SHARING!  We love you all!

It was a beautiful day to get pregnant...

      I know you guys are used to my sarcasm and humor in every post, this one is lacking a little of that, but I promise I will pick back up on all of those components next week.  But this post is real.  It is heartfelt.   All of my blogs have been about my past experiences with infertility.  Well, today let's fast forward to the present.  To yesterday.  Yesterday was our embryo transfer.  As we speak, I am on bed rest in my bedroom all alone.  I am surrounded by comfy pillows, candles, pineapple, syringes, and photos of my 3 babies.  So much love.  Silence.  Something I haven't experienced at this house in a long time.  The kids are with my momma.  All so that I can rest and pray that the 2 sweet embryos inside my uterus at this moment will attach and grow like they are supposed to.  Although the bed rest has been nice, I miss my babies.  Take the silence and give me chaos any day.   And if you are reading this right now, please say a prayer that these babies will stay.  Because we already love them so much.   Yesterday was a beautiful day to get pregnant, and we documented the whole thing...

Those were all taken before we left for our transfer.  Possibly our last picture with out 2 babies in my belly.   Cody and I left the kids with my momma and they had a day of fun planned, which made is a little easier.  Cody and I ventured to Nashville and I was a bundle of nerves.  I listened to WAY FM, which always makes me feel a little better.  And I got a chicken biscuit from Chic Fil A, which helped a little too. :) You'd think that being this is our 4th transfer, that I wouldn't be nervous, but I was.

       I look horrible, but I just wanted to be comfy.  We waited for over an hour to be called back, that hour seemed like an eternity.  I glanced around the room and saw others waiting too and I could read their faces.  They were nervous too.  I wanted to go hug them and talk to them, but sometimes women aren't so welcoming to that.  I talked to the babies several times about their Santa list too, which keeps getting longer and longer.  :)  We eventually got called into a room.  The same room we have had twice before, both times were successful, so I am hoping that is a good sign.  :)  I got changed into my gown and the nurse came in to go over instructions with me.  At that moment, Cody wanted to crawl in a hole and die.  I laughed, I laughed, and I laughed some more.  I told her I was sorry, that it was just something I did when I was nervous.  Cody tried not to look at me and she said she had to stare at the wall, because she began to laugh too.  I felt like a 6th grader in their first sex education class.  The nurse said the word, "discharge and no orgasms" and I really lost it.  She did too.  She informed me it was time to drink my water and take my valium. Before doing so, the embryologist came in to give us the update on our embies.  I had a feeling what he was going to say.  One of them didn't make it.  My heart sunk.  Even though we still had plenty to thaw out, it was still sad to think one of our babies wasn't viable.  They thawed another out and it did great. 

Aren't the gorgeous?  The first one was already hatching out on its own! Proud momma moment! ;)

Here is the short video Cody captured, I look a little giggly and loopy...

It didn't take long for the valium to take effect.  I kept drinking more and more water so my bladder would be full from the procedure. Dr. Whitworth came in to see me soon after and assured me that the embryos looked beautiful. 

Giving my embies a kiss and saying a prayer!  Please, Jesus, help them to stay so I can hold them in my arms in 9 months...

       They wheeled me back to room where all the magic happens.  They told Cody to come take a look at the embryos.  He got a huge smile on his face because the second embryo was already begining to hatch as well!  Yay!  They put the ultrasound probe on my belly,  I couldn't hardly stand it because my bladder was so full.  They told me I had drank TOO much and had to empty part of it into a bed pan.  Lovely!  After that, everything went quickly and was a little fuzzy since I'd taken a valium.  Dr. Whitworth told us everything went perfectly and showed me where they were on the ultrasound screen.  She said our chances were ATLEAST 50 %, and if we were to get pregnant, our chance of twins was very high.  I emptied my bladder, which is always terrifying after a transfer, because you want your babies to stay put.  Our nurse assured me for the 50th time that this has no effect on them since they are in my uterus, not my bladder.  I came back to the room to nap and keep my feet up.

      Soon it was time to leave.  Cody went to get the car and I chatted with my nurse as she wheeled me down in the wheelchair.  She was the sweetest! Turns out, she has 5 kids.  2 sets of twins from IVF!  She is very open about her journey and she hosts lunches often for women dealing with infertility.  She said they all just tell their story and support one another.  God works in such amazing ways, and I believe he put her in my path for a reason.  Her story was so refreshing to hear.  

  

On the way home I laid in the back seat and took another nap.  I requested BBQ nachos at this BBQ place in Westmoreland.  While Cody was inside ordering the girl taking the order asked if he was married to the girl who has the blog.  She said that she loved it and read it faithfully.  She made my day!  The other day, at the gas station the cashier asked me the same thing.  I am so humbled and blessed , and a bit teary eyed that my blog has reached so many of you.  Megan, if you are reading, thank you and the nachos were the bomb!!! ;)

So here I am, laying in bed with my pineapple and my Hallmark channel.  I am praying very often and I am asking you to please do the same.  Cody got into conversation with me last night and just thinking about it makes me cry as I am typing this.  He said, "As a parent, we all have dreams of holding our babies.  All of these embryos are exactly, that...our babies.  And we WANT them.  We just want to hold all our babies."  Simple, but empowering.  You see, our youngest, Dax, was one of them a couple years ago.  I cannot imagine our life without him.  God has given us them for a reason and we have dreams for them just like our other 3 that have already been born.  Yes, it may seem like  crazy dream to some of you, and that is ok.  But God knows our hearts and our love for them and that is really all that matters.  To our parents, Nikki, Garrett, Rhonda, and Rusty...well this makes me cry a little too.  Your excitement and support for us means so much more that I could ever put into words.  You have been our biggest cheerleaders all along.  And we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. 

       I have never felt so vulnerable before.  We have never been secretive about doing IVF, but we have also never broadcasted it on social media.  The fact is, if this fails, I will have to tell all of you.  And it will hurt.  But if this is successful, I will get to share and celebrate with all of you too.  You all are awesome, and your support and prayers mean so much to us.  Thank you for following along on our journey.  I will keep everyone updated and will go for my blood test in 11 days.  Please keep praying.  Love you all! As always, thank you for reading and SHARING. 

The Birth

       

      Ever heard the term "ignorance is bliss?"  Yeah...well...I was ignorant.  And it was bliss.  Period. I thought the idea of having a baby consisted of a couple different things.  One being an awesome epidural, which would numb me and help me to feel just a little pressure while in labor.  A little pushing while your husband rubbed your feet and fed you ice.  Then there would be beautiful babies in my arms to cuddle and love.  There would be visitors, balloons, and lots of ooooing and ahhhhing over my new bundles of joy.  Ok, now scratch everything I just said...it was a web of lies.  Big FAT ones.  If anyone has ever told you that birthing a child in this world will make you feel "just a little pressure," I give you the permission to go kick them or punch them in the face.  And to all you ladies out there that had a wonderful labor and sneezed a baby out gracefully,  I'm gonna kick you too.  Just kidding!  But, really...I'm jealous.  If you are pregnant, take everything that you are told with a grain of salt.  Do not have expectations, because things probably will not happen like you planned.  I know it didn't for me.
      To my infertile myrtles...I want you to know that I used to think that I would never get to have a birth story.  I had dreamed of it, yes.  Many times.  But there was always that Debbie Downer voice telling me that it would never happen.  Well, turns out that Debbie was Satan's girlfriend.  Don't let her steal your faith.  Don't let her steal your hope.  If you are a "glass is half empty" kinda girl, pull up a seat and let me fill up that cup, sister.  Because I believe that it will happen for you.  And I love you, and I am praying for you.  Just had to say that.  Forgive me, girls, but you know I am random...back to my story.  And if you're a guy reading this, bless you.  But don't read any further.  It may scar you for life.
      So, I was in labor, 8 weeks early.  I was not ready.  Yes, I was so excited to meet my babies, but I knew it was too early for them to be healthy.  We were so worried.  We made our way to labor and delivery and got into a gown, a pretty ugly one.  These were the days before Posh Pushers, so I didn't look so fabulous while in labor. ;) The nurses gave me Magnesium in hopes that would stop my contractions.  They then told me that soon I'd feel like I'd been hit by a semi truck as a side effect.  They were right.  My blood pressure bottomed out and I fainted.  All before doing so, I looked at my mom and told her I was dying.  She isn't the person I should have told that too, anyone but her.  Did I mention my sweet momma was a tad dramatic, lol?  She screamed and cried...she believed me.  I guess the color of my face was convincing.  I was 50 shades of ghost...it wasn't pretty.  But the meds wore off, but the contractions did not stop...they just slowed down.  I had tons of visitors in and out to check on us and my nurses were amazing!  They laughed and cried along with us!  I loved them!  Later that night, there were still no babies.  Dr. Gass made it clear that the hospital would be my new home until they made their arrival.  They anticipated they'd make their arrival within the next 24 hours and advised me to get some rest.  Rest?  Are you kidding me?  I was in LABOR 2 MONTHS EARLY.   I couldn't rest.  My mind was too busy worrying about them.  Something that wouldn't go away, even 4 years later.  I was their mom, it was my job.  SO they told matters into their own hands and gave me some medicine to help me sleep.  I took it and fell asleep, finally.  Only to wake up 2 hours later carrying on a conversation with none other than Tori Spelling.  You got it, she had came to visit, and there were 3 of her.  Can you believe she came all the way from California to see little ole' me?  What a sweetheart that Tori was.  Yep,   I was hallucinating y'all.  And that wasn't too fun either.  So, Cody convinced me that no one was actually in our room but us and the lady that kept coming in every hour to check my blood pressure and stats.  
      The next day...well I am gonna be honest with you.  I don't remember much of the next day.  It was pretty much a blur.  I was exhausted.   Cody was exhausted.  Everyone was exhausted.  The waiting room was full of people that had stayed the night.  They will never know how much their support meant to us.  That day passed and still no babies.  It seemed like 10 days in one.  I hurt and I was tired.  The next morning came and my water broke.  Atleast, at that point we knew that it would't be long before this whole labor thing would be over and my babies would be here.  I got my first epidural.  I knew about 30 minutes later, when I didn't get any tingling in my legs or numbness that something wasn't right.  I got another one.  Same thing, nothing.  My new nurse, which I will not name, was not very nice to me.  She made me cry.  I told her how badly I was nursing and she, very rudely, told me to get over myself and that having a baby was no picnic.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I normally would have given her a piece or two of my mind.  We would've had a little "come to Jesus" meeting right then, right there.  Not that day.  I was all out of fight.  All I had to respond back were tears, silent, but big ones.  But don't worry, Cody told her his thoughts out in the hallway.  So, later they told me, 3 epidurals later, that my curved spine was like that of a hunchback and my membranes were too thick for the epidural to work.  Gee, thanks y'all!  You sure know how to make a gal feel special ;) !   Contractions are of the devil.  They suck.  They hurt, they really reallllly hurt.  If I had one word to describe the pain, I'd have to say ELECRICUTION.  When one hits, it stops you in your tracks and you cannot move, cannot breathe, just have to lay there and consume the unbearable pain.  I felt pressure all right.  The pressure of a bowling ball falling out of me.  Along with a million other pains. 
      The time had finally come...55 hours later...it was time to start pushing.  Yes, that was a long time to labor.  But God's timing was perfect.  You see, the babies needed that extra time to let the steroid shot help develop their lungs.  That long labor, ended up being an answered prayer, and helped my babies tremendously.  While I was pregnant, I had a plan on who I was allowing in the room.  I was selective to who I was going to allow witness all of my lovely lady parts birthing children into the world.  But I ultimately decided that my Husband, my Momma, and my sweet Mother in law Rhonda would be there for the occasion.   They were an awesome team!  Giving birth is messy.  It isn't pretty either.  But let me just say this much. all of your modesty goes out the window during those moments.  I wouldn't have cared if the Pope, himself would've been videotaping.  Who cares?   I'm sure it isn't the first time they've saw a bloody vagina, ya know?  I was more concerned on doing this right and getting my babies here safely.  I really surprised myself.   There was no cursing, no screaming, I was pretty quiet.  I just sobbed.  A lot.  I was focused and was in an immense amount of pain.  I pushed with everything that was in me.  I just knew that I'd die of an aneurism before I got to lay eyes on my boy and girl.  But I didn't.  After about 20 minutes, and an appeasiotomy later...Hudson Nash arrived.  "He is here!"  Everyone kept yelling! 

This is one of the happiest and ugliest moments of my entire life.   I wasn't pretty, but it doesn't matter.  Our faces say it all.  Joy was an understatement.  We were parents.  Thank you, Jesus.

I took one look at this sweet face and lost it.  My cup was overfilled with joy and a love I had never known before.   My baby boy that I was seeing for the first time.  His soft cry sounded like a little lamb and I was in love...so in love it hurt.  I wanted him,  to hug him and kiss him and tell him I was his mommy, his protector, the keeper of his dreams, and the one that would always love him more than anyone in the world.  But I couldn't they took him away immediately and hooked him up to machines. 

I felt heartbroken.  That numbness I wanted to consume my lower body during labor, now consumed my emotions.  But I had to pull it together, my job wasn't done.  5 minutes later and once very long push, Paislee Aspen entered the world...and the world would never be the same.

      There was my girl.  My future best friend.  My sunshine, my girl.  The answer to my dreams of hair bows and shopping trips.  There she was.  She was beautiful, and I wanted to hold her too.  Her cry was louder and feistier.  It reflected her personality already.  Our little firecracker.   But again, she was immediately whisked away for monitoring and oxygen.  

       You know how everyone says, "your mind forgets the pain after birth"?  Yeah, well, thats crap too.  I will never forget that pain.  However, it didn't matter.  Nothing mattered but them.  I'd walk through 10,000 barbed wire fencing with alcohol being dumped on me for them...for the rest of my life.  You, see...when you become a mom, YOU are irrelevant.  You become last.  They become first, and that won't change.  Pain is temporary, but that unconditional love...it's forever.

      Having a baby in the NICU and watching them struggle to breathe isn't fun.  It is heart wrenching.    You feel helpless, and there is nothing you can do for them.  We wanted to be the ones to fully take care of them after birth.  We were their parents.  But we didn't get that luxury.  Let me tell ya, one of the worst sounds in the world is the screams of your child while on IV is being stuck in their head.  Cody was my rock.  I'd never saw him more attractive than when he was rocking one of our babies.  The nurses had to take care of them around the clock and we could visit during certain hours.  We were so blessed with amazing nurses who we still keep in touch with to this day!  They were a God Send and took such great care of our babies.  They will never know the depth of our gratitude to them.  NICU staff, you rock!  I also met one of my very best friends in the whole world, Beth that day.  She happened to have twin boys just 2 days before.  They are now 4 and a half and we talk every week! 

Those first few weeks were the hardest weeks of my life.  It was hard seeing our babies poked and prodded and not being able to bond with them at home like a typical newborn.  But  But we made it.  God carried us through it every step of the way.  I can remember feeling like I was gonna lose it after driving to Bowling Green 3-4 times a day and pumping breast milk to take to each feeding.  I just wanted them home.  But they weren't quite ready.   We were happy and complete when we were with them, but leaving them at night, always left me in tears.  Poop became something to celebrate and breast milk became more valuable than gold.  When the week came for them to come home, I feel like the angels played trumpets in Heaven and God was shining down on us.  Paislee came home a few days before her brother, which was bittersweet.  I bawled like a baby as we pulled out of the hospital.  Even though, we were right back to see him the next day.  Cody even got up at 3 am to take him breast milk and do skin to skin before he had to be at school.  Later that week, all was right in the world.  They were together again and we were all finally home.  And that was my very favorite place to be...being a mommy with my babies.

And they were loved...so loved.  And we are eternally grateful to God for our little sweet peas!  I LOVE having twins!  In fact, I'd love to have another set someday ;)  I feel like I have written a book, but there are still so many stories yet to be told.  I will have a mid-week surprise post coming later this week.  Please keep my little family in your prayers this week! Much love to all of you.  Thank you for reading and SHARING on your page.  God Bless! 

The Good, The Gross, and The Bump

      Something was wrong and I knew it.  This wasn't just my normal morning sickness.  I was so sick I could barely walk and couldn't keep anything down.  Cody and I were both in tears because we felt our babies lives were in jeopardy.  We took yet another trip to the ER.  The first time I was sent home with a phenegran pill and pretty much told I had severe morning sickness.  Let's just say we weren't too happy with the good ole Scottsville ER that night.  Seriously, Doc?  A pill?  When I can't keep anything down?  I should've picked it up out of my next spew and handed it back to him.  On our way back I prayed that the babies would be fine.  I was once again scared that the, violent twerking my abdomen was doing while vomitting, would somehow scare my babies and rattle them loose.  I know.  It doesn't work like that.  But at the time, it didn't matter, I was still very scared.  After some testing, they discovered I had the flu.  This was during the time when several pregnant women had died from the flu.  Great.  We finally get our prayers answered and now I might die from Swine Flu.  Dramatic much?  But I didn't.  After many fluids, lots of vomitting,  rest, and spoiling, I recovered.  I survived.
      Yay!  Now that was behind us we could enjoy the rest of this pregnancy and just kick my feet back and relax, right?  My doctor had stated that he did not want me working for more than one reason, so I was staying at home.  The days passed slower than a horse and buggy on the Franklin Road.  Did I mention I had all day  morning sickness?  But like I said before, I didn't mind, because I knew my babies were growing like they should.  I hugged that toilet like a champ!  We decided that after all of the stress of IVF we would take a weekend getaway to the mountains.  We needed a vacation.  It seemed like that past few months had been consumed with needles, doctor's visits, and STRESS.  A romantic mountain getaway with my man was just what I needed.  I was so excited to enjoy some beautiful fall weather, pancakes, and 
shopping with just the two of us.  By the way, the doctor had just lifted the "no intercourse rule" that week, so the hubby was ready for a weekend too.  Poor guy had to go 6 weeks without the one thing, that all guys want...sex.  
      We finally arrived to our hotel and you would have thought I had taken a sedative.  I swear it was almost as if I passed out on that bed.  You would've sworn I was drunk or heavily medicated.  You don't know tired, until you're pregnant.  During the first trimester, sleep is craved almost as much as fried foods and pickles.  Or hot dogs, in my case.  And it wasn't one of those sweet slumbers where you wake up all fresh faced and ready for your day.  It's one of those drool all over the pillow kind.  Where your hair is matted from your drool and stuck to the side of your face.  Where you're like, "HUH, What day is it?" after sleeping a few hours.  Pretty sexy, I'm sure.  But, Cody didn't mind.  After I awoke from my coma, well, I needed a snack.  But we both noticed something that seemed like it wasn't there when I had laid 
down for my nap.  A belly bump.  I was very early in my pregnancy, but I was thrilled to start to see proof that there were, indeed, two babies growing inside of me.  Our "romantic getaway" consisted of LOTS of sleep, food, and very little of anything else.    It also included a hormonal rage where I threw a hair dryer at him, but for some reason or another deserved it.  I think.  But the sleep and food was good.  And the sex, well, I don't think there was any of that.  Poor guy.  I love my husband. :)
      A few weeks later we were finally in our second trimester.  Now I felt like I could relax.  The morning sickness had vanished and the risk of miscarriage was greatly reduced and I was finally with my normal OB.  I see Dr. Gass, and let me tell you, he is the most amazing doctor ever.  I seriously wish I could just give him a hug right now.  He is the sweetest, most caring doctor and we all love him.  Anyways, back to my story.  I was getting ready to go shopping with my mom so I went to take a quick shower.  Just as I started to wash my hair I looked down to see my freshly painted toenail and noticed what was streaming along with the water down the drain.  It was red.  The one thing no pregnant woman ever wants to see.  Blood.  And lots of it.  It was everywhere.  This was it, I was having a miscarriage.  I screamed, I cried, and I went straight to my dr.  I prayed the whole way there for God to have his hands over the babies and protect them from what may be happening.  They did an ultrasound and I braced myself for the worst.  And let me just say this...if I had lost one, it wouldn't "have been fine" since I was having twins.  They were 2 separate souls.  I was already completely in love with my Baby A and Baby B.  If I had lost one, it would have still been devastating.  After my Dr. performed an ultrasound, we determined the issue.  I had a blood clot in my uterus.  It was called a subchorionic hemmorage.  The babies were just fine, but it did complicate things and made me high risk.  Anytime blood is present in the uterus, it can be dangerous.  I was told to do moderate bed rest and keep my feet up.  I was monitored very carefully over the next 6 weeks.  I bled an awful lot, which was scary.  But my awesome doctor kept my anxieties at ease when he monitored me 3 + times a week to check their vital signs.  Thankfully, it resolved on its own and dissolved without any further complications.   And like always, we had angels around us during that time.  
      Shortly after, we discovered that we were having a boy and a girl!  Be still my heart!  

It was one of the greatest moments of our lives.  I got to experience the best of both worlds.  I wanted nothing more than for them to be best friends and each other's protectors.  I was going to get the chance to raise a momma's boy and baseball games and I got to have my bows and girly girl too!  And, let's face it, she had no choice than to be a girly girl.  No camo on the agenda for my gal .  Haha! Kidding! But, really...no camo for her. ;)  We decided on the names...Paislee and Hudson. 
      The rest of my pregnancy went very smoothly.  I got HUGE.  I was measuring full term at only 6 months.  My body got stretch marks in places I did not know you could stretch.  I wasn't one of those that wished her pregnancy away.  If you are one of those, please don't.  Enjoy it.  You will never, ever experience this pregnancy again.  It is such an amazing gift and blessing that everyone should cherish.  And next time you think about posting on Facebook that you "want that baby out of you"  please don't.  Consider the countless women that are longing to have life growing inside of them.  I can honestly say, that I loved being pregnant.  My favorite part was feeling those little kicks and hearing those beautiful heartbeats on the doppler.  I ate whatever I wanted, and I gained lots of weight.  I felt my babies have wrestling matches in the womb.  This was my first pregnancy so I was able to nap...A LOT.  I was blessed...I was incredibly grateful.  This was one of the reasons I am so glad that God chose this path for us.  It made me appreciate everything so much more.  It wasn't a traditional road to parenthood, but it paved the way for the mom that I would become.  It made me step back and realize that pregnancy is not a right, it is a privilege and a miracle in itself.  Thank you, Lord, for answering our prayers and choosing this road for us.  It is a road that has led me to a life I could've never dreamed of having.  And, it had led me to you.  My blog audience.  You wouldn't believe the emails I have received from women who are struggling with infertility but feel alone in all this.  And don't worry...I keep secrets ;)  I thank God for using this blog as a tool to give hope to other women dealing with the same issues and to bring a little light hearted humor as well.  Nothing about infertility is easy...but it is worth it.  Anyways...back to my story...

  

      Everything was going smoothly.  We had just finished up our last round of baby showers and Cody had put together the pack and plays along with the car seats.  The doctors had assured me that I had no signs of preterm labor.  And though, I was measuring very big, I could likely carry them close to their due date.  I went in for a check up with Dr. Gass that week.  I was already at dilated to 3.  They hooked me up to the monitor to see what was going on.  I was having regular contractions and they couldn't stop them.  I was only 31 and a half weeks...

As always, thank you for reading and sharing my blog.  You all are such a blessing and I look forward to hearing your feedback.  I will be back next Monday with a VERY special post :) God bless you all and have an amazing week! Please SHARE :)