I.V.F. and G.O.D.

       First off, I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your awesome response to this blog. I was brought to tears by some of the messages I received about their own personal struggles with infertility.  This makes my heart happy to know it has helped lift spirits.  I LOVE hearing from readers and appreciate all the SHARES and sweet COMMENTS.  I can't thank you enough.  I hope this blog continues to reach more each week.  I hear so many blogger talk about preparing and rough drafts.  You won't find that here.  I sit down at the laptop and pour my heart out while typing.  It is still surreal that I am sharing this with the whole world, but I am so glad that I am.  Next week my blog will be all prettified!  I am currently working with a blog designer to make these posts better organized as I blog weekly.  This week the post is sort of long, so I apologize in advance! Anyways, I'll shut up now so you can read the next story of many stories...


       "You have less than a 1 % chance of ever having a child...in your lifetime.  IVF is your only option to ever have children on your own."  My response? My jaw hit the floor and the waterworks began.  I cried.  A lot.  Not one of those sad, soft cries with a few silent tears rolling down each cheek.  One of those violent, ugly cries.  Come on girls, you know the ones.  The loud sobs...can't breathe, can't speak.  Tears, snot, drool, mascara...everywhere.  I'll just say it, I was a hot mess! At that moment, my doctor probably wish that she'd never met me.  I don't think she was prepared for all that drama right before her lunch hour.  (She can thank my mama for all that drama, haha! ) She tried to sympathize but it did no good.  My emotional self was too far gone. My hubby couldn't even console me.  I went to the bath room and vommited from being so upset. 
      I can't say I didn't see it coming. We started trying to conceive on our honeymoon.  Ahhh, ignorance is bliss.  I looked for my monthly visitor to take a hike each month so I could finally see those 2 pink lines.  But she was a witch, and always showed up unwanted. I had a major obsession with those stupid sticks anyways.  We should've bought a stock in those things.  I loved buying pregnancy tests, but they didn't love me back.  All I ever saw was rejection and a big fat negative.  After months with no luck, I felt in my gut that something wasn't right.  So what did I do? I lied to my doctor and said we'd actually been trying longer than we had.  I know, I know.  Lying is wrong and I shouldn't have done it.  But I am telling my story, so I couldn't leave that part out. ;) The doctor finally gave in and started the first round of tests after I insisted that they take me serious.  Long story short, we had lots of lots of tests done.  I also tried LOTS and LOTS of different meds.  Clomid, Femera, dye ran through my tubes, vitamins, you name it.  NOTHING seemed to work.  After a series of different doctors and ultrasounds,  Dr. Whitworth finally gave us the verdict, that we subconsciously already had in the back of our minds.  "Less than 1 % without IVF."  
      It was a long drive home, poor Cody.  I spent most of the drive acting like a crazy person and busting into tears every 2 minutes.  He rubbed my back and assured me that everything would work out in God's timing.  Honestly, that isn't what I wanted to hear.  What I wanted to hear was that I would get pregnant the old fashioned way, quick and painless.  I knew God was in control, and his will is perfect.  But did I mention I'm a control freak at times?  I selfishly wanted things my way.   I was feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity.  We finally arrived home and it was a friday, which meant it was time for Cody to go to work at his parent's restaurant.  Did I mention I was feeling sorry for myself? And now I was having to do it alone..."Dang you, Harpers Catfish! Can't you see I need my husband?  I need him to baby me, rub my back, and  curl up and cry with my not so fertile, pitiful self!"  Not really, girls...I love Harpers ;).  Just not that weekend.  Anyways, he left and I was alone, so I cried some more.  My uterus ached.  I sat down in the beautiful rocker my parents had given me shortly after getting married.  I wanted nothing more than a baby to rock in that chair. But my arms were empty and that "nursery" was nothing more than a spare room.  
      I knew I couldn't bear this burden alone, so I began to pray.  Instead of praying to be pregnant right now...I began to pray for God's will to be done.  I prayed for him to take control of the situation like only he could do.  I knew no matter how badly or selfishly I wanted to, I couldn't control this.  I knew that he had a beautiful plan for our lives, and I had to totally trust in him.  You see I was impatient and selfish,  I wanted a baby and I wanted it now!  I would constantly see women out and think to myself, "How can she have a baby and I cannot?"  But life doesn't work like that.  It is not my job to understand how this world works.  We are not supposed to understand, but we are supposed to whole heartedly trust in our heavenly father and his plans for us.  God finally gave me a peace after many prayers.  A peace that I cannot quite explain in words.  It made me be still and stop obsessing about what I didn't have.  It made me stop feeling sorry for myself and realize that the world was not ending, even if it felt like it at the time. 
      We broke down and told our friends and family what the doctors said.  Most everyone was super supportive and sweet, especially our parents.  However, we did get some pretty hurtful and dumb responses.  Some of which included..."Maybe this is God's way of telling you he doesn't want you to have kids."  "Why don't you just adopt."  "Really, why spend that money on IVF, when you can go buy a car with that money?"  First off, I never believe God intended for me not to have kids.  It says in the bible," Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act."  Would you tell a cancer patient, "Don't do chemo, because maybe God wants you to die?" God gives people resources, doctors, science, and medicine to help cure horrible diseases and medically intervene in other situations.  And in my case, help people to have babies.  Yes, adoption is awesome.  I think it takes a special person to do it, and I applaud all of which have done so.  But is it wrong for me to desire to experience pregnancy?  I wanted to feel those kicks, I want to watch my belly grow each month.  I want my boobs to hurt and I'll happily puke every morning from morning sickness.  And I would MUCH rather go broke to have the chance at being a mommy... more than anything money could buy.  Yes, it is a hefty price to pay.  But, people buy new vehicles every day for that amount, and babies are much cuter. :)  Regardless of what anyone thought, we had our mind made up that we would eventually do IVF and pray for God's guidance.  Those next couple weeks, it seems like everywhere I went all I saw was strollers in every shape and size.  I'd be lying if I said it wasn't crushing to my soul.  Even though I knew IVF was in our future, the future and all the obstacles we'd have to overcome was still scary.
      When I thought of the term, IVF, one person came to mind.  My friend Danielle.  I first met Danielle years ago when my mom started photographing her beautiful, curly headed triplets. I am a big believer in fate and the fact that everything happens for a reason.  I know that God put her in my life to help me along on this journey.  Her triplets, along with their little sister were all conceived using IVF.  Ofcourse, I called Danielle and told her that we would soon be taking that big step as well.  You know how in high school, the football players stick with other football players?  The marching band marches together to the same beat?  The cheerleaders hang out in the same locker room?  Us infertiles have to stick together too, lol! ;) I have to admit, it was hard to be around the ones that repetitively tell you how easily pregnancy happened for them.  How their "husband can just look at them and get them pregnant." Or "it happened the very first try." ;).  Kudos to you girls! I just happen to not have that awesome trait in common with you all. Anyways, Danielle was a God send for me.  She gave me advice, encouragement, and support to start our new journey.  It meant so much to be able to talk to someone who had been down that road before.  She shared her experiences and gave me HOPE.  You see, friends, that's what I pray to give you all thoughout this blog.  HOPE, encouragement, love, and support.  Some women have trouble sharing their story, but let me tell you something. There is NOTHING to be shamed of.  You should hold that head up high and know that one day you will be a mom too. And you will get to tell your daughter or son how much they were wanted.  You can tell them how hard you fought to get them here.  In my opinion, that is something to be very proud of.
         Our Fertility clinic had sent home a thick, brown folder home with us at our last visit.  This packet included a mountain of paperwork, info on injections, ultrasounds, meds, and a price.  Any boy, was it a price.  I have to admit I cried again when I saw it.  $12,500.  We didn't have that kind of money.  So we just decided to do the only thing we knew to do. Pinch our pennies and save up to do it even if it took years.  Since starting fertility testing we had started a small savings, in case we had to anything super expensive like IUI or the big daddy...IVF.  However, we were on a small income.  I was at the beginning of my cosmetology career and Cody was in his last semester of WKU.  Everyone knows that in those first few years of marriage, there isn't a whole lot of money left to save at the end of each month.  Thank goodness my hubby was good at saving, we had a little less than half saved back in the sock drawer.  Winning! I knew I married him for a reason! ;)  However, it had taken FOREVER to save up that money.  And I knew it may take even longer to save up the rest. But we knew without a doubt that God would provide and give us the peace to endure those baby less years.   Little did we know, God's timing was even better than we expected...
        So, the next week we went to get our taxes done.  We had put it off until the last minute like always.  I know what you're thinking..."She's a procrastinator, and she has ADHD. What does taxes have to do with fertility?"  I have a point I promise ;)  As we were standing to leave our tax appointment, the lady stopped us and I will NEVER, EVER, forget what she said to us.  "Oh, wait guys.  I almost forgot to tell you, you all qualify for a first time home owners tax credit.  Your total credit will come to $7,500. you will receive it within 10 days. "  I stood still in my tracks.  I'm sure you can guess what happened next.  The ugly cry...again.  Did I mention I was a hot mess? :)  Wow, God, I hear you loud and clear.  You see, we had saved up $5,000 at that point.  It doesn't take a mathematician to see what that equals.  Yes! 5,000 plus 7,500 equals $12,500!  Praise, Jesus!  BOOYAH, haters, now tell me "God doesn't want me to have kids." Just kidding ;) Anyways, if that isn't a miracle, I'm not sure what is.  Cody and I looked at each other and we knew... we knew that was our answered prayer.  At that point, that was total confirmation that God was on our side and this was his plan for our lives.  Cody and I agreed that day we would take a leap of faith and call to set everything up, to officially begin our first round of IVF.  We didn't realize how fast things would move from there.  But we hopped on that roller coaster and never looked back!  And it was the best decision we have EVER made together.  That, my friends, is where our story really gets interesting.  That, is where the humor and emotions really begin...I promise to tell more next week!  
      
       Once again, I find myself typing at 2 am, mostly because I have been interrupted by my littlest miracle who just had a birthday this week! You remember that spare room?  That is where my Dax is sleeping right now! I have to get up early in the morning to head to...the fertility clinic! But first, I had to share a few pics my mom took of me doing one of my morning injections today.  Don't mind the bruising or the road map on my belly. ;) It may not be attractive, but, hey, I housed 3 babies in there.  By the way, mom told me to make that silly dramatic face, haha! :) Be watching for the next part of my story...And like always share it if you like it! 

                                   With love and BABY DUST,

                                                        Andi