The holidays are next week, and I am hoping we don't get any negative/rude feedback about adding onto our family. Apparently, sometimes people aren't as excited as you when it's your 4th or 5th baby. Call me crazy, but I think your 4th baby deserves just as much excitement and happiness as your first. And we are so excited...all of us! Paislee, my chatterbox, told me tonight that she was so excited to be a big sister again...and that she was very thankful for that. And she was thankful for her 2 brothers too. That made my heart so happy and made me a little teary eyed. Tonight at dinner a nice little old man was joking and was telling us just "how full our hands" were. He proceeded to jokingly tell us that all we needed was a couple more kids. Haha! I told Cody he should've told him that there were actually a couple in the oven at the moment. Anytime I go to the grocery with the kids or to the mall, I get told, "better you than me," or "boy, you sure have your hands full." Others just stare at me like I have 3 heads. You're right, I am so glad that it's me instead of you. I am mommy. And right now, I...Mommy, am the most important person in their lives. Not meaning to knock Daddy...he's pretty important too. But being a mommy to them during these years in their lives is irreplaceable. When my sons are older they will one day have a wife who will love them and take care of them. But right now, I am their person. I am Paislee's bestest friend. I am their mommy. And I love them more than anything in the whole world. And yes, my hands are full, but my heart is exploding with love that only a mother knows. I know most are being kind and making conversation. I just am anxious to what those reactions might be when they see a baby bump underneath my baby on my hip. And those negative opinions and comments? They simply do not matter.
Not to sound ugly in any way, but Cody and I don't have to give an explanation every time someone asks us "why" we are having another baby. We shouldn't feel like we are being interrogated and having to scramble for an alibi. You see, our IVF story is quite long and there are always lots of questions, (which I am open to). I know it isn't a decision for everyone. Some people think one is enough and three are too many. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Here is mine. This is simply that path that God has chosen for us. And I will forever be grateful. The thing is, one day Cody and I will be gone. Our kids will have to grieve at our graves. Pretty depressing statement, I know. But they will not be alone. I know one day, hopefully a long time from now, when I leave this world they won't be alone. They will have 5 or more best friends for life. Atleast that is my goal as their mom. I want to raise them to always be close. The bigger our family gets, we may not always get to go on fancy vacations. Our kids may never get to have their own bedroom or a big house. Money may, at times, be tight. But I do know one thing, there will always be plenty of love. There will always be someone to break up a fight, help tie shoes, and wipe away tears. The world we live in can be so cold and far from God. But I am hopefully raising a little army of people that will always love him and love eachother. And I guarantee you, that may just make life a little easier. And those little people...might just help make this cold world a little bit warmer.
Yesterday, my nurse gave my due date. I am due August 21st. I was excited but I panicked a little. You see, we planned this all out this time with the "perfect timing." I started injections in July and we were supposed to be due to have a baby/babies in May/June of 2015. Perfect! It would give us time to settle in and get used to a new routine before H and P start kindergarten. Gosh, that's so hard for me to type. Girls, I am seriously gonna need therapy for that milestone. All of our worlds are gonna be rocked and I am just as attached to them as they are to me. They are with me...every day. No daycare...no preschool...just us. Oh, how I will miss them when they start school. I may have to have them be "sick" pretty often...or call in a couple bomb threats. KIDDING! The kids tell people that "they are gonna try it for a year, and see how it works out." Don't think I won't yank them out and homeschool. We just can't tell my husband, ok? ;) Getting off topic...again!!! Are you surprised? Anyways, we realized the week before our transfer that Cody was giving me a wrong dosage of one of my meds for a couple of weeks. I cried, cussed a little, and took a hot bath. Cody frantically called my doctor on call and I sent all the IVF nurses I could find on FB a message and stalked them. I knew it has screwed everything up. It was both of our faults...simply a miscommunication. But it was a disappointing, very expensive mistake. Which led to a mental breakdown and a couple extra months of hormones. So, we had our transfer a few months later and here we are. I am obviously, not the best at math either. I thought my due date would be September. But no...August 21st. I laid in bed last night and had a slight panic attack. I. CANNOT. ... will not...MISS...their first day of kindergarten. I broke into a cold sweat and had a little labored breathing just thinking about that. I never want Hudson, Paislee, or Dax to feel like I am not always there for them. I never want them to feel neglected in any way. I want them to know they are valued, they are special, and they are loved individually. The fact is, if it is twins, I will probably have them before August. And if it's just one, surely I won't go into labor that day. Atleast, I am praying I won't. Another thing...I am the most unorganized mom on the planet. I lose everything and I'd forget my name if it wasn't on my birth certificate...by the way...where is my birth certificate? I am gonna hire a professional organizer before these babies/baby are born.
Worrying about that day, made me start thinking about the twins starting Kindergarten...which made me depressed just thinking about it. Shew, do any other mommies have these feelings of doom about Kindergarten? Anyways, after praying about the situation I felt much better. I realized, as crazy as this may sound, that Satan was trying to steal my joy. He was trying his best to distract me from the big picture. My due date shouldn't be an issue. And I should be ashamed for worrying the week after being blessed so big! Shame on me. I have a beautiful, healthy baby/babies growing inside me right now. Not only is that such a miracle and answered prayer in itself, but Dax is going to get to be very close in age with them. This is something I have wanted for him so badly. Hudson and Paislee are super close. And though Dax isn't a twin, I still want him to have a sibling close in age to him. I want him to have a playmate at home when H and P are at....ahem...tears...School. August will for sure be crazy and chaotic. But we will be just fine. And this situation goes to show, that GOD is in full control. And I have to not worry and just trust in him completely. Whether there is 1,2,3, or 4 babies growing inside me as we speak, I can't stop smiling about it. I am excited and happy! And I cannot wait to see how many...only a week and a half away! I will keep you guys posted! Thank you for all the prayers and support! Love you all! Check back Monday for a special Christmas Mommy blog post! Thanks, as always, for reading and SHARING! :)
I love reading your story it's so wonderful!! My little one just started kindergarten this year and I felt the same as you! All summer long it's all I would thing about. Every night before bed I would literally cry my self to sleep knowing we were one day closer to kindergarten. It also didn't help that I was pregnant and expecting around the same time she would be starting kindergarten!! When the day finally came I was a basket case but I put my big girl panties on and walked her in to her first day of class I was telling myself the whole time "don't you cry, don't let them see you cry" I knew if she saw me she wouldn't want to stay. Because like you my little one had only knew me all those years before no daycare, or anything. I give her the biggest hugs and of course take a billion pictures and say it goodbyes. We leave her classroom and immediately I turn into a giant sobbing baby and Richard looks at me and says "Really? You cry now after we leave?" I cried all the way home and off and on the whole day while she was at school. She had told me she wanted to ride the bus home that day so not knowing what time her bus would arrive I'm constantly looking outside. An hour before she got home I was standing out in that drive way waiting. Here comes the big yellow bus!! Then I look to Richard and say he's not slowing down why isn't he slowing down as he passed our house. Richard says clam down in sure he will drop her off on the way back by. So waiting for what seemed like forever the bus was finally coming back by and again not slowing down. I freaked out he didn't stop here it is an hour past the time school had let out. Where is my baby!!! He immediately got on the phone with the school explaining what happened and they contacted the bus driver. My baby had fell asleep on the bus she was the last one on there and he bus driver didn't see her and forgot she was on there. So he turned around and brought her home. Ugh anxiety attack lol! I thought the next day would be better but I still sobbed like a baby for the next few days of school and then the week after her first week I was in labor! So needless to say I feel your pain you probably will cry a lot their first day or first week but it's ok it will get better. You might now be as bad as me because you have another little one at home. I think her being the only child for five years made a big impact on my emotions. I was attached to her she was my little best friend for five years we did everything together starting school was like ripping a piece of my heart out but knowing I was about to have another one come as she was easing into school made it a little better. If anything I think it shows we are good mommies who care very deeply for our babies!! Sorry for the long post you just inspire me :)
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