The Problem with Selfies...

      SO here it is...another totally random mid-week post.  It is an issue that I feel like most brush under the rug and don't discuss.  I believe I have to bring attention to it.  And by doing so, please don't hate me or be offended.  This blog is just my personal thoughts on the matter and it is never my intentions to hurt any feelings.  And this post is focused towards my daughter and other women.  I will be writing something pertaining just to my boys very soon! ;) 
      I am a photographer.  I take pictures of people for a living, so I feel like I have to speak up on this issue.   I also have 3 beautiful children.  And one of them is a girl.  I am concerned about this issue that tends to lean more towards girls and women.  Our country is facing a major issue that they aren't addressing, just like many other issues.  Sure, we hear about EBOLA, the economy, and well, uh...you know...political stuff.  Which I know SO much about.  Ha! Kidding!  Did you hear the sarcasm in that statement?  The problem, drumroll please... is the obsession with selfies.  AND I find it alarming.  especially the ones when you're driving down the road.  Let's face it, vanity is something that is overtaking social media. And before I go on, I am not talking about the ones with your cute kids or you glowing preggo ladies.  And, I am not judging you.  It is your Facebook and instagram, and you can post whatever you like.   I am just posting my thoughts on the matter.  I am totally not hating on the art of a selfie!  IN FACT, my four year old loves a good selfie.  Give her a camera and she can take a selfie like a pro...

      There is nothing wrong with it.   The problem is when it becomes something you do daily.  The ones that are posted over and over.  You know the ones... the duck face being the most popular.  Most selfies are situated around one's self.  Angled appropriately, and taken mostly because one has pride in how they look.   Good for you sister!  But where do we draw the line between self esteem and self obsession?  I am all for feeling good about yourself.  But sometimes, pride can destroy you.   I recently saw an interview with Kim Kardashian about her whole "breaking the internet" fiasco.  Her response?  She did it to feel confident about herself?  Seriously, Kim?  You?  The QUEEN of selfies?  You?  Need a boost of confidence? Ha!  Tell that to my tummy that looks like a road map.  You, my dear, are gorgeous.  And I believe you are well aware of that fact.  If you weren't confident, you wouldn't post a gazillion selfies on every social media platform that you have.   You should be more worried about setting an example for your daughter.  Is the lack of clothing really necessary?  How do you teach your daughter self respect if you cannot respect yourself.   You are raising a daughter, you should also be slightly alarmed by the selfie trend.  And here is why...
       The selfie trend is spreading worse than a case of lice at a 3rd grade sleepover.  I am all for women having confidence in themselves.  Every woman is beautiful in her own way.  I mean that.  But you shouldn't have to have 10 comments and 50 likes on instagram or Facebook to prove that.  I feel like one of the most honorable traits a woman can wear is humility.  One of the best lessons my momma ever taught my was to be humble.    I was a teenager and it went a little something like this, "Honey, you are absolutely beautiful...but you aren't as cute as you think you are. "  I feel like that is a lesson that only a mother can teach a daughter.  Because, let's be honest, if anyone else tried to, we'd probably take a golf club to their face.  To some, that may be a hard pill to swallow.  But it may be, just what you need to hear.   I totally want to teach my daughter the same lesson...  

      I want her to know she is kind, she is smart, she is BEAUTIFUL.  But I also want to teach her not to be vain.  Let's face it, selfies are about yourself.  They highlight you alone.   I want my daughter to not be obsessed with how she sees herself in the mirror, or in the camera of the phone.   I want her to see the reflection of what others see when they look at her.  Radiance.  Compassion. Not just beauty.  I want her to turn heads, but not just because she has long blonde hair.  I want her sweet soul to be evident and her laugh to be contagious.  I want her to always put OTHERS first and be generous always.   I don't want her to be all about herself all the time!  It is not healthy.  I don't want her to believe that she is only socially accepted by a selfie.  She doesn't need all of her FB friends to tell her how beautiful she is, that is my job, and her father's job.   I want her to know that her duck face, does not define her beauty.  I want her to know she has a kind soul, and that, is even more beautiful than her long dark lashes.  She is a child of God and the daughter of a KING.  And she can only find the unconditional acceptance and love through him alone.  As mommas, let's all make sure we set an example for them and teach them the true meaning of beauty.  
      
"The fruit of the spirit is joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and Self Control."
                                        -Galatians 5:22-23

I'm holding my breath and hoping I don't get any negative feedback.  Because I promise, I only want this post to be positive.  As always, I love hearing your thoughts.  Thanks for reading and SHARING! :)  My infertility series will pick up on Monday!  Have a blessed week! 

And then there were twins...

       I had this plan shortly after we got married about how, I would one day, give my hubby the glorious news that he was about to become a daddy.  I planned on relaying that news in some fabulous, creative way.  I "pinned" them away on my mental virtual pinterest board (that didnt yet exist).  These plans were super cute and planned out perfectly.  One of them included me wrapping a neat little box with a cute little rattle inside.  Another plan included me putting a car seat in his truck on a Saturday morning.  I'd reveal it to him after sleeping in and having a lazy breakfast at home.  We'd stroll out there and I'd ask him if he could help me see if there was room for the new baby in his truck.  Cute idea, huh?  I even had thought about printing out a fake movie ticket with "Baby Coming Soon," along with a due date, neatly printed on the bottom.  All of these plans, well...they were before we entered the land of Infertility.  They were when I, so blissfully, thought I'd be one of those that would get pregnant within 3 months of getting married.  Haha!  Boy, was I wrong!  And those plans didn't quite work out when that time actually came.  They flew out the window... and my excitement took over.
      Cody was just as excited as me as a hurled the pregnancy test at him.  It was still a little damp from my urine, but it had 2 lines.  He screamed like a girl too!  Just kidding his was a deep, burly, manly voice. <<<<not really ;)  Excited was an understatement.  And the pee stick that happened to be dripping with urine?  He didn't mind.  I think he nearly peed his pants anyways after I screamed the word pregnant.  That test could've been dusted with anthrax, but as long as he saw two lines on it, he wouldn't have noticed.  A little urine never hurt anyone did it?  Heck, it contains something magical that helps heal a jellyfish sting, right?  And now mine contained something even more special...the holy pregnancy hormone.  And we were thrilled.  Did I say that already? :) We were both running and screaming through all the house.  My poor brother happened to be staying over that night and got to witness the madness.  It was even worse than when I was 11 and was shouting through the halls that I'd gotten my period.  Yeah, he had to witness that milestone too.  
      We looked like some people from a 90's Richard Simmons aerobics video on RedBull.  Crazy excited.  We had initially said early on that we wouldn't tell anyone until we were in the safe zone and out of the first trimester.  Yeah...well...that plan didn't work out either.  I instantly grabbed my phone and started calling our family and friends, and well, anyone else that might feed my excitement.  "Hey, girl, it's Andrea, remember me?  We were in 2nd grade together...anyways, I'm pregnant!"  Just kidding, not that extreme.  But you get the picture.  I was finally pregnant and wanted to shout it from the rooftops.  But we did agree not to make it Facebook official until my official bloodwork.  The day of my bloodwork it didn't take long to get my results.  My HCG levels were 300 on my first draw just 10 days after the transfer.  Thank you, sweet Jesus!  According to google and my mother  that high number automatically assumed a multiple pregnancy.  I was on cloud 9.  I pretty much skipped out of Nashville Fertility Center, but then I abruptly stopped.  Because I was scared my babies might fall out.  I held my breath until I went back down there 2 days later, to make sure my levels were doubling, which indicated a healthy pregnancy.  They were close to 1,000 the second time.  You better believe I posted it on FB that day.  2 words...my favorite new words.  I'm pregnant!  No picture of an ultrasound or a chalkboard, or a pic of our dog, Molly wearing a big sister shirt.  You see, when it actually happens, you don't care about announcements and such.  You just want to blurt it out like word vomit.  To anyone who will listen.  I felt like I was in a dream or a fairytale, but then I had to wait 2 more long weeks to see a heartbeat and feel more at ease.  
      During those 2 weeks, fear crept into my fairytale.  I was the most happy and terrified at the same time.  Have you ever loved something so much it hurts?  That is exactly how I feel about all of my babies. But I was already so in love with the little people who were camping out in my uterus, but so, completely afraid I'd lose them or I'd mess this whole pregnancy thing up.  Google became my best friend, once again, during those weeks.   And my boobs finally started to hurt on their own.  Booyah!  I can't tell you how long I'd wanted those sore boobies!  I couldn't get enough sleep either.  And I became world's worst worrywart. "Oh, God!  I ate bleu cheese yesterday, what if I ruined my pregnancy? "  Dear, Lord, please help me remember not to roll on my tummy during the night and squish my babies!   Don't even get me started on how I hexed Subway out of my life.  Can't eat those cold cuts, it may give the babies bacteria!  I know all of this sounds dramatic, but I get it honest.  And the thing is...when you experience infertility and go through SO MUCH to get pregnant, you can't just enjoy the new pregnancy bliss.  You have to expect something to go wrong.  Because, before this, nothing about getting pregnant has ever went right.  I just prayed not to be that 10 % that ended in a miscarriage.  And I couldn't even think about "not getting my hopes up."  Because, sister, they had already floated to the moon and they weren't coming back down on their own.   Our hearts were completely in this 100 %.  We wanted to have smooth sailing, but we knew we had certain hoops to jump through before we got there.  It was like holding onto a million dollar check in a rainstorm with no umbrella.  You just had to hold on tight, and pray to God you wouldn't lose it.
      So ultrasound day finally came.  Mom and my mother in law, Rhonda came along with Cody and I.  You would have thought that we were all taking our first trip to Disney World.  We were giddy and giggly the whole way to Nashville.  Who would've guessed I'd have the giggles?!? We got to the waiting room and I could've died with embarrassment.  Mom started her own photo shoot in the middle of the room.  They all thought I was too young to be there anyways, and now my excited and crazy  momma is playing paparazzi like I am going to the prom.  

      

I could have killed her.  She didn't care, lol.  But now, I am glad that I have these pictures.  Her and Rhonda just giggled and informed the whole waiting room they were hoping for 2 babies or more.  Needless to say, I didn't allow them in the ultrasound room.  Our docs meant business and I don't know how they would've felt about that photoshoot ;).  Even though my mom seems to talk people into anything and make them think it was their idea, haha.  They finally called our name and I felt like I was going to puke.  I was praying so hard to be able to see a healthy baby or babies.  We got our wish.  As the nurse placed the ultrasound wand, ahhhem, you know, where it was supposed to go.  Which is rather uncomfortable, I might add.  We sat in silence until she was able to get a clear view of my uterus.  That 2 minutes of silence was deafening.  Finally, I heard her clear her throat and tell us the verdict.  "Well, there are definitely two!  It's twins!"  Cody literally jumped out of his seat.  If he was in a cheer competition, I would've given him a 10 for his awesome tuck jump!   We both wanted twins anyways.  Regardless of those certain ones who tried their hardest to talk us out of transferring two.  I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I was totally up for the challenge.  Were so thrilled, and I cried, are you surprised?  I bawled like a baby,  and I'm pretty sure my Mr. Harper shed a little tear too.  We just looked at each other in that dark ultrasound room, and realized our lives were officially about to begin.  And the dream we had wanted so badly was finally coming true!

And then of course, there were the crazy, excited, Ninny and Grams that were just as thrilled as we were, well, almost. 

I thought we were going to have to wrestle them to the ground to keep them from making it Facebook Official before us.  They were so excited!  I don't even think Mickey Mouse, himself, could have trumped this news!

I was finally able to relax a little after seeing those 2 beautiful little flickers on the ultrasound.  They were the miracle we knew God was working on.  They were beautiful and healthy.  It didn't stop me from worrying, but it definitely helped.  I got to go back 2 weeks later to do a repeat ultrasound to check on them, once again, before being released to my OB GYN.  The week after this ultrasound, I began to get very sick.  Trust me, I wasn't one to complain.  I  liked it, as crazy as that sounds, because I knew my levels were doubling and it was a good sign of a healthy pregnancy.  I knew morning sickness was much worse with multiples, but I began to feel like something was wrong.  I could not keep anything down.  I also developed an extremely high fever.  After a trip to the ER and continuing to vomit an un normal amount all over the toilet and walls of our bathroom, Cody and I both were in tears and on our knees.  Something was wrong and we feared for the health of our babies...

More to come next week! Thank you all once again, for the love and support you show me every week.  I am working on building up a following on Pinterest and my FB page, which will be up and running next week.  If you all wouldn't mind to pin my blog and help me get it going, I would love you for it! ;)  And as always please like, comment, and SHARE if you like what you are reading.  I feel like you guys are my "Pope"  and I am in confession every Monday.  God bless each of you and I hope you have an amazing week! 

The Wait...

      Sometimes infertility can make you feel like the yellow starburst at the bottom of the package.  Nothing but a big, fat, disappointment.  I had dealt with that disappointment month after month when we were trying to conceive.  After the embryo transfer, that fear crept back into my mind.  That fear of disappointment...I couldn't handle it if this wasn't successful.   I was already head over heels in love with my 2 sweet embryos.  My heart was in this, completely, and there was no way to guard it now.  It was too late.  All of our family and friends knew about our IVF treatments, so they would be awaiting the results along with us.  It was so amazing to have such an awesome support system!  However, I didn't think my heart would be able to handle telling them, if I'd failed at getting pregnant, yet again.   I pleaded to God to protect my body and those babies and to let this be successful.  I wanted those babies to get nice and cozy in my uterus, and feel right at home.  So, to put it lightly, I made Cody drive very slowly on the way home from our embryo transfer.  Very careful, as if he was carrying an explosive in the back seat.  Did I mention I love my husband?  Cody had laid the seats down and had me a nice pallet of comfy pillows and blankets for the ride home.  He also drove thru Captain D's on the way,  because he knew it was my fave.  Their sweet and sour is the bomb!  I was a nervous wreck through every turn and bump.  I was carrying precious cargo, and I wasn't about to risk their chances of implantation.  I had 2 new sidekicks, my embies.  They were the most important little things in our lives at that point,  and I wanted them to stay safe and stay put for the next 9 months or so.  Deep down, I knew that God had brought us this far, and he would take care of everything.  But it didn't mean that kept me from worrying anyways...go figure.
      When we got home, Cody helped me get into bed and I tried to get comfortable.  I started chowing down on as much pineapple core as I possibly could.  I would also laugh hysterically between mouthfuls.  Partially because google informed me that laughter and eating that core increased my chances.  But mostly because I laugh in very awkward and uncomfortable situations, or when my nerves are bad.  Anyone that knows me, knows that I struggle with this.  Sometimes at weddings and funerals.  You know that moment when the bride is walking down the aisle and everyone is all weepy?  I feel like I am going to die from spontaneous combustion from holding in my giggles.  Seriously, If your dog or uncle dies or if you get hurt in any way...just don't tell me.  Don't do it...but if you do,  don't get offended if I laugh.  I can't help it.  Gosh, I am random and getting off track again.  Back to my story.  I laughed, ate pineapple, and watched LOTS of One Tree Hill and hallmark movies.  I wish the Duggars would have been on tv then.  If they were, I would have watched a marathon.  I love the Duggars, but it may have made me a little jealous that I couldn't get pregnant as easy as them.  I want to parent like them!  (I must not be doing something right, b/c I'm pretty sure Jana wouldn't call John David an a**hole).   <<<random thought  ANYWAYS... I was determined, prayerful, and hopeful.  My emotions were all over the place.  I would feel 100 % certain that I was pregnant, then I'd be crying 10 minutes later out of fear that I wasn't.  We had so much on the line.  Our hearts, our minds, and our entire savings account.  I was ready to grab infertility by the balls and tell em who was boss.  I was ready to be a mommy.  
      Since I was on bed rest and was waited on hand and foot.  Sounds pretty nice, right?  But the time passed so SSSSSLLLLLOOOOWWWW.  I was told to stay very hydrated and get lots of rest.  I hated getting up to pee.  I was terrified they would fall out.  Even though my doctor assured me that wouldn't happen. I wish so badly I could've put a little dot of gorilla glue on them and precisely placed them on the wall of my uterus myself.   Geez, why hasn't some scientist come up with that already?  And my poor bowels,  I didn't let them move at all.   I am strong willed, and I won that battle, sister.  I held it in until I became very constipated, which I was ok with at the time.  What if I sneezed to hard?  What if I trip and fall when going to the bathroom?  I began to obsess a little.  Ok, a whole lot.  And google became my constant companion.  I would google pregnancy symptoms every 3 minutes.  I analyzed every single sensation.  Most of which were caused by the devilish Progesterone Injections, which ironically mimicked pregnancy symptoms. I can remember wanting so badly for my boobs to hurt.  I pinched them so much that they finally starred to get tender.  Which made me happy.  Hey, it's a symptom, right?  I was nauseous, but I think it was from all the googling too, and my nerves. 
      The days seemed like years, but I survived.  After a few days laying horizontally around the house, I eventually, very cautiously, got on with my life.  I wished that I could just take a very long nap until my blood test.  SO then I could either celebrate or loathe in self pity.  6 days passed by and I started to get very exhausted, all I wanted to do was sleep.  So, the next day, I broke a promise I'd made to myself.  I opened the cabinet doors and grabbed a pregnancy test.  I had a million of them.   Cheap pregnancy tests are like crack for women who are infertile.  I know you probably already read my thoughts on those things in my past posts.  But I'll tell ya again...  She did not like me...the pregnancy test that is.  She was like the popular girl at school that I was dying to be friends with.  But she snubbed me.  Every time.  I never got invited to any of her parties and was always left me crying with her stupid negative results.   Everyone tells you not to do it, just to wait on the bloodwork.  I couldn't be that patient those last couple days, so I caved.   I was a rebel, and I decided to pee on it anyways.  I did it so fast so that I wouldn't talk myself out of it.  I yelled across the house, "Cody, I'm gonna take it."  I yelled while I was taking it, so he wouldn't try to talk me out of it.  As soon as I looked down I saw a line, but not the one I usually see.  It was accompanied by another this time.  I screamed.  A scream that I've never screamed before.  I jumped up, with my pants still down and urine trickling down my legs.  Gross, I know, but you get the picture, right?  I was excited!  The tears began to flow, yet again.  And girls, this time, it was that ugly cry again.  But it was a happy one.  I praised God immediately!  We trusted in him, and he was faithful.  I screamed.  I sobbed.  And I ran through my house like I'd just been stung by an entire hive of honeybees.   I began to shout the 2 words I was never able to say before in my life. "I'm pregnant!"  

Be sure to read next week to hear Cody's reaction, and the hurdles and health issues we were faced with soon after.  Thank you all, as always, for being faithful readers!  Please       SHARE, if you liked what you read.  Much love to you all and I hope you have an amazing week!

     
     
     

My Beautiful Mess...

      Earlier I read a blog post a friend had shared about motherhood and it inspired me to share my thoughts on the messy moments of motherhood.  This is a totally random, mid week post.  It won't have any effect on my infertility series you girls have been following.  I just wanted to share a little about my day from a messy momma's point of view.  It is honest, humorous, random and unfiltered.   Don't judge ;)

      Last week I had lost an item that someone had loaned me.  It was the straw that broke the camel's back that night.  I. lose. everything.  I lose my bra on a daily basis, seriously.  My hubby always tells me to put it somewhere I will remember, but then I forget where that is.  I found myself googling symptoms of amnesia a couple weeks ago.  Turns out, it's just what happens with 3 kids under 5 and running your own business.  I think the term for it is mommy brain... Anyways, Cody found me sorting through our piles of laundry searching frantically for it with tears rolling down my face.  "Oh my God, you are letting THIS get you so upset?!?"  Ofcourse, he blames the Lupron and my stupid hormones.  I'm sure that is a factor too.  "No, I'm a mess, Cody!  My house is a mess, my car is a mess, I am a MESS.  And everyone knows it.  I am unorganized and I lose shit all the time."   He assured me that I beat myself up too much.  I eventually found the lost item, as I usually do.  And everything was ok, but I still felt bad about the constant state of messiness my house was in.  If you're expecting June Cleaver, you won't find her here.

      In my house we make messes.  We play, we are loud, and it is a little chaotic.  Ok, maybe a lot chaotic.  But I wouldn't have it any other way.  I love my little mess makers.  But it doesn't mean I don't feel mommy guilt about keeping my house tidy for my family.  I try.  I really do...but most of the time, it gets me no where.  Today as I was scrubbing last week's night's dishes,  I was frequently interrupted by a persistent, blonde headed little 4 year old girl who was wanting me to be her "taste tester."  "How is it?  Does it need more sugar, mommy?"  Pepper and pineapple pie was on the menu today in Paislee's cafe.  And boy was it scrumptious.  You really should try it sometime, I'll ask her for the recipe tomorrow ;).  While taste testing her imaginary treat,  Dax was throwing cans out of the pantry screaming "BITE...BITE...BIIIIIIIIITE!"  My child could eat every minute of every day.  Have you seen him?  He's one chunky monkey!  And, I know what you're thinking.  The answer is no, I haven't got around to baby proofing those cabinets yet.  Last week my Cody asked me if I noticed how dirty our microwave plate was?  No, dear, I didn't notice.  Did you happen to notice the sparkly toilet I just scrubbed?  Why don't you eat out of that tonight?  Kidding.  ;)  Cleaning bathrooms is always a feat when you live with 2 boys who haven't mastered the art of aiming quite yet.  One is 4, the other is 29 ;).   Mommas of boys, you feel me?  My kitchen was a disaster.  There are spiderman and hello kitty cups...everywhere.  Spilled Milk in the floor.  Ibuprofen on the counter for my teething baby.  And you wanna know the truth?  I feed my kids hot dogs and chicken nuggets sometimes.  I mean they get their fruits and veggies too.  But we also do Happy Meals in my house.  We do cookies too.  My kids have been well introduced to sugar and they like it.  And if that's wrong, I don't wanna be right.  They are kids, let them be just that.
      Later while sorting through laundry, Hudson is tugging at my leg asking me over and over to smell his finger.  Don't ask me why.  He says it stinks, but won't tell me why, lol.  :/  Will this laundry ever end?  I never seem to be caught up.  Last week I found an Easter shirt that hadn't yet been washed.  You know that commercial where that dad washes his daughter's dress up costumes once a week?  And at the end they are running through their perfectly clean house and mowed yard while partaking in imaginary play.  Yeah.  What planet is he from?  Is that the only laundry he has? How is his house so clean?  My house looks like Toys R Us caught the stomach flu and vomitted in every corner of my living room.  Actually, every room.  And where is the little girl's mom in that commercial?  I read something earlier about the President not being totally supportive of stay at home moms.  Please don't quote me on that...because I am the last person that needs to talk politics.  But, if it is true.  Shame on you,  Mr. President.  And shame on you, feminists.  I said it, and I don't mean to offend anyone, but it's the truth.  Don't get me wrong, it isn't for everyone.  And I am blessed enough to do both.  I stay at home and run a photography business.  Having the luxury of staying at home is something that should be commended.  It isn't easy, but it is the most rewarding thing I have EVER done.  And guess what?  The reason my house is in shambles, is because they are playing at home all day, every day.  And they love home.  I have witnessed every. single. milestone.  I kiss the boo boos, I scramble the eggs,  fix the peanut butter and jelly, pour the cups and bottles.  But In my opinion,  that is something that money cannot buy.   I'll be honest, there is shit everywhere.  There is even shit on my arm (literally).  Don't worry,  I'll clean it off.  Dax had a very messy diaper ;). Mommyhood isn't glamorous, but it is beautiful.  Sometimes, I don't have time to shower or wash my hair.  I love that beanies are in style!  I can rock a beanie, at least my mom says so.  Man, I really wish I would've thought through that decision to use bright red halloween spray on my hair last week.  I look like a rebellious teen whose scalp has contracted EBLOA.  And yesterday's makeup is better than no makeup at all, right?  I have tons of friends that would love to be home with their babies every day and cannot because they have to provide financially for their family.  I applause you all, because I know it has to be hard to leave your kids everyday when you want nothing more to be at home.  If you have the choice to be at home or to work,  choose to be with your babies.  They are only little once, and once those years are gone, they're gone.  Wow, I totally got off subject again.  I guess that's what I get for sitting down and typing while watching the CMA's.  
      I eventually got around to picking up the living room a little bit with many interruptions of playing cars and tickle monster.  I also had to take a break to put soap in Paislee's mouth for calling her brother an asshole.  No, we don't allow or use that kind of language in our house.  We go to church and teach them about Jesus.  But it still happens sometimes.  Blame my parenting abilities...or Netflix, I'm still not sure where she got it.  Go ahead and laugh or judge, you know you want to.  Anyone that knows me,  is very aware of my laughing habit.  And boy can that be a curse when trying to discipline your child for swearing.  But Hudson got back at her by calling her the "C" word.  Relax.  He called her a cotton headed ninny muggins.  Anyone that has seen the movie Elf, knows where he got that name. :)  He handled her with grace today and was polite until she called him an a-hole.  Then they started wrestling.  The kids played their "pick up" game after being bribed with Halloween candy.  They ran as fast as they could and picked up all the baby dolls and hot wheels out of the floor and enjoyed their treat.  I know I probably should've use a banana, but I don't think it would've been as effective ;).  Paislee ends up in tears 2 minutes later, because, Dax, our 1 year old ate ALL of her m & m's.  Oh, wait...I hear the Hot Dog song...time to dance with Dax!  Daddy walks through the door.
      Most of the time I try to explain to him why I haven't gotten anything accomplished.  Thank God he isn't a husband who minds the mess.  He constantly reminds me that I am a great mom and not to feel guilt about the house.  I love him.  I began to tell him about our day and Paislee's potty mouth, he proceeds to tell me about deer season this weekend.  Did I say I love him?  (eye roll) Maybe I should take a lesson from Pais and call him a name or two ;).   We scramble to get the kids ready and head to bowling green on a hot date.  Chic Fil A and shopping for our early Christmas presents to each other!  A new washing machine and dryer.  Ours went out this week, so we had to go look for one.  By the way, we don't do date nights.  We have 3 kids and they go everywhere we go.  Kudos to couples that take time and do that, that is awesome.   Once we went to a concert and I nearly had a panic attack and made everyone leave as soon as Jason Aldean came out on stage.  No lie.  I do not like being away from my kids.   We probably should date, but we choose not to.  For Anniversary and Valentine's Day, they accompany us.  It may be stressful at times, but its crazy fun, and thats how we roll. :) 
      Mom decided to come along for the trip to Bowling Green tonight and I know she is judging my car as soon as she hops inside.  Love you, momma, but you know it's true!  Don't even get me started on my car.  It is a tad messy!  There are 10 pairs of shoes.  Purses, sippys, pacis, diapers...everything you can think of.  A few syringes fell out of the passengers side the other day.  When I am on injections every day, sometimes you gotta do it at a red light, you know?  We hear the kids arguing and asking 21 questions.  Hudson asks, "Hey, Dad, how did Jesus make eyeballs?"  Paislee yell, "Mommy, you're the best mommy in the whole world."  Dax screams, "BITE!" LOL, They know how to warm my heart. :)  When we arrive at Chic Fil A,  Mom is horrified when she discovers that Dax has on mismatched socks.  Seriously, mom?  Atleast he is wearing socks.  I know I am scatterbrained, but I will make sure my children's feet are warm, but not ALWAYS fashionable.  ;)  After they ate their chicken nuggets and fruit, it was time to head to the play area.  They have just recently started being "big kids" and going by theirselves while we sit outside the window.  As Hudson slips off his camo rain boots, I about die when I remember I made him put on Paislee's princess socks.  Poor Hudson.  Give this momma a break, our dryer is broken.  A momma's gotta do, what a momma's gotta do.  I feel bad, but he doesn't seem to mind.  We are all in stitches laughing at this point.  But I wish I had a picture of the moment Cody saw them twerking in the top play area.  Did I mention everyone in the place could see?  Oh lord,  good thing Daddy was in a good mood tonight and Ninny was with us ;).  
      We eventually made it home and did our bedtime routine and put our little monkeys to bed.  When I lay down each night,  I ask myself..."am I enough?"  Am I screwing this up? Did we read enough books?  Oh, God, how am I gonna survive sending them to Kindergarten? Did we practice enough handwriting?  Can't we homeschool?  I can't do math...or history.  Then I'd really screw it up.  Did we talk enough about Jesus today?  Did I cuddle them enough today?  Do they realize my love for them?  I hope they always know the passion and love I have for them.   They are our whole world.   I know I may not be the most organized momma on the block.  Our life is chaotic, it is messy, it is loud,  but it is ours.  And I love my life...so much.  And as crazy as it sounds, I cannot wait to add more babies to our bunch!  Mommas, if you are like me, and everything is messy, don't beat yourself up.  You are not alone! One day you won't have those toys in the floor to pick up and your babies will be grown.  Enjoy it.  Embrace the messiness...you rock, momma!  One day our houses will be clean...but no today.  :)


Thanks for reading and please SHARE if you like it.  More to come on my infertility struggles next Monday and the next part of our story!  Love you all!

My Beautiful Mess

      Earlier I read a blog post a friend had shared about motherhood and it inspired me to share my thoughts on the messy moments of motherhood.  This is a totally random, mid week post.  It won't have any effect on my infertility series you girls have been following.  I just wanted to share a little about my day from a messy momma's point of view.  It is honest, humorous, random and unfiltered.   Don't judge ;)

      Last week I had lost an item that someone had loaned me.  It was the straw that broke the camel's back that night.  I. lose. everything.  I lose my bra on a daily basis, seriously.  My hubby always tells me to put it somewhere I will remember, but then I forget where that is.  I found myself googling symptoms of amnesia a couple weeks ago.  Turns out, it's just what happens with 3 kids under 5 and running your own business.  I think the term for it is mommy brain... Anyways, Cody found me sorting through our piles of laundry searching frantically for it with tears rolling down my face.  "Oh my God, you are letting THIS get you so upset?!?"  Ofcourse, he blames the Lupron and my stupid hormones.  I'm sure that is a factor too.  "No, I'm a mess, Cody!  My house is a mess, my car is a mess, I am a MESS.  And everyone knows it.  I am unorganized and I lose shit all the time."   He assured me that I beat myself up too much.  I eventually found the lost item, as I usually do.  And everything was ok, but I still felt bad about the constant state of messiness my house was in.  If you're expecting June Cleaver, you won't find her here.

      In my house we make messes.  We play, we are loud, and it is a little chaotic.  Ok, maybe a lot chaotic.  But I wouldn't have it any other way.  I love my little mess makers.  But it doesn't mean I don't feel mommy guilt about keeping my house tidy for my family.  I try.  I really do...but most of the time, it gets me no where.  Today as I was scrubbing last week's night's dishes,  I was frequently interrupted by a persistent, blonde headed little 4 year old girl who was wanting me to be her "taste tester."  "How is it?  Does it need more sugar, mommy?"  Pepper and pineapple pie was on the menu today in Paislee's cafe.  And boy was it scrumptious.  You really should try it sometime, I'll ask her for the recipe tomorrow ;).  While taste testing her imaginary treat,  Dax was throwing cans out of the pantry screaming "BITE...BITE...BIIIIIIIIITE!"  My child could eat every minute of every day.  Have you seen him?  He's one chunky monkey!  And, I know what you're thinking.  The answer is no, I haven't got around to baby proofing those cabinets yet.  Last week my Cody asked me if I noticed how dirty our microwave plate was?  No, dear, I didn't notice.  Did you happen to notice the sparkly toilet I just scrubbed?  Why don't you eat out of that tonight?  Kidding.  ;)  Cleaning bathrooms is always a feat when you live with 2 boys who haven't mastered the art of aiming quite yet.  One is 4, the other is 29 ;).   Mommas of boys, you feel me?  My kitchen was a disaster.  There are spiderman and hello kitty cups...everywhere.  Spilled Milk in the floor.  Ibuprofen on the counter for my teething baby.  And you wanna know the truth?  I feed my kids hot dogs and chicken nuggets sometimes.  I mean they get their fruits and veggies too.  But we also do Happy Meals in my house.  We do cookies too.  My kids have been well introduced to sugar and they like it.  And if that's wrong, I don't wanna be right.  They are kids, let them be just that.
      Later while sorting through laundry, Hudson is tugging at my leg asking me over and over to smell his finger.  Don't ask me why.  He says it stinks, but won't tell me why, lol.  :/  Will this laundry ever end?  I never seem to be caught up.  Last week I found an Easter shirt that hadn't yet been washed.  You know that commercial where that dad washes his daughter's dress up costumes once a week?  And at the end they are running through their perfectly clean house and mowed yard while partaking in imaginary play.  Yeah.  What planet is he from?  Is that the only laundry he has? How is his house so clean?  My house looks like Toys R Us caught the stomach flu and vomitted in every corner of my living room.  Actually, every room.  And where is the little girl's mom in that commercial?  I read something earlier about the President not being totally supportive of stay at home moms.  Please don't quote me on that...because I am the last person that needs to talk politics.  But, if it is true.  Shame on you,  Mr. President.  And shame on you, feminists.  I said it, and I don't mean to offend anyone, but it's the truth.  Don't get me wrong, it isn't for everyone.  And I am blessed enough to do both.  I stay at home and run a photography business.  Having the luxury of staying at home is something that should be commended.  It isn't easy, but it is the most rewarding thing I have EVER done.  And guess what?  The reason my house is in shambles, is because they are playing at home all day, every day.  And they love home.  I have witnessed every. single. milestone.  I kiss the boo boos, I scramble the eggs,  fix the peanut butter and jelly, pour the cups and bottles.  But In my opinion,  that is something that money cannot buy.   I'll be honest, there is shit everywhere.  There is even shit on my arm (literally).  Don't worry,  I'll clean it off.  Dax had a very messy diaper ;). Mommyhood isn't glamorous, but it is beautiful.  Sometimes, I don't have time to shower or wash my hair.  And yesterday's makeup is better than no makeup at all, right?  I have tons of friends that would love to be home with their babies every day and cannot because they have to provide financially for their family.  I applause you all, because I know it has to be hard to leave your kids everyday when you want nothing more to be at home.  If you have the choice to be at home or to work,  choose to be with your babies.  They are only little once, and once those years are gone, they're gone.  Wow, I totally got off subject again.  I guess that's what I get for sitting down and typing while watching the CMA's.  
      I eventually got around to picking up the living room a little bit with many interruptions of playing cars and tickle monster.  I also had to take a break to put soap in Paislee's mouth for calling her brother an asshole.  No, we don't allow or use that kind of language in our house.  We go to church and teach them about Jesus.  But it still happens sometimes.  Blame my parenting abilities...or Netflix, I'm still not sure where she got it.  Go ahead and laugh or judge, you know you want to.  Anyone that knows me,  is very aware of my laughing habit.  And boy can that be a curse when trying to discipline your child for swearing.  But Hudson got back at her by calling her the "C" word.  Relax.  He called her a cotton headed ninny muggins.  Anyone that has seen the movie Elf, knows where he got that name. :)  The kids played their "pick up" game after being bribed with Halloween candy.  They ran as fast as they could and picked up all the baby dolls and hot wheels out of the floor and enjoyed their treat.  I know I probably should've use a banana, but I don't think it would've been as effective ;).  Paislee ends up in tears 2 minutes later, because, Dax, our 1 year old ate ALL of her m & m's.  Daddy walks through the door.
      Most of the time I try to explain to him why I haven't gotten anything accomplished.  Thank God he isn't a husband who minds the mess.  He constantly reminds me that I am a great mom and not to feel guilt about the house.  I love him.  I began to tell him about our day and Paislee's potty mouth, he proceeds to tell me about deer season this weekend.  Did I say I love him?  (eye roll) Maybe I should take a lesson from Pais and call him a name or two ;).   We scramble to get the kids ready and head to bowling green on a hot date.  Chic Fil A and shopping for our early Christmas presents to each other!  A new washing machine and dryer.  Ours went out this week, so we had to go look for one.  By the way, we don't do date nights.  We have 3 kids and they go everywhere we go.  Kudos to couples that take time and do that, that is awesome.   Once we went to a concert and I nearly had a panic attack and made everyone leave as soon as Jason Aldean came out on stage.  No lie.  I do not like being away from my kids.   We probably should date, but we choose not to.  For Anniversary and Valentine's Day, they accompany us.  It may be stressful at times, but its crazy fun, and thats how we roll. :) 
      Mom decided to come along for the trip to Bowling Green tonight and I know she is judging my car as soon as she hops inside.  Love you, momma, but you know it's true!  Don't even get me started on my car.  It is a tad messy!  There are 10 pairs of shoes.  Purses, sippys, pacis, diapers...everything you can think of.  A few syringes fell out of the passengers side the other day.  When I am on injections every day, sometimes you gotta do it at a red light, you know?  We hear the kids arguing and asking 21 questions.  Hudson asks, "Hey, Dad, how did Jesus make eyeballs?"  Paislee yell, "Mommy, you're the best mommy in the whole world."  Dax screams, "BITE!" LOL, They know how to warm my heart. :)  When we arrive at Chic Fil A,  Mom is horrified when she discovers that Dax has on mismatched socks.  Seriously, mom?  Atleast he is wearing socks.  I know I am scatterbrained, but I will make sure my children's feet are warm, but not ALWAYS fashionable.  ;)  After they ate their chicken nuggets and fruit, it was time to head to the play area.  They have just recently started being "big kids" and going by theirselves while we sit outside the window.  As Hudson slips off his camo rain boots, I about die when I remember I made him put on Paislee's princess socks.  Poor Hudson.  Give this momma a break, our dryer is broken.  A momma's gotta do, what a momma's gotta do.  I feel bad, but he doesn't seem to mind.  We are all in stitches laughing at this point.  But I wish I had a picture of the moment Cody saw them twerking in the top play area.  Did I mention everyone in the place could see?  Oh lord,  good thing Daddy was in a good mood tonight and Ninny was with us ;).  
      We eventually made it home and did our bedtime routine and put our little monkeys to bed.  When I lay down each night,  I ask myself..."am I enough?"  Did we read enough books?  Did we practice enough handwriting?  Talk enough about Jesus?  Did I cuddle them enough today?  Do they realize my love for them?  I hope they always know the passion and love I have for them.   They are our whole world.   I know I may not be the most organized momma on the block.  Our life is chaotic, it is messy, it is loud,  but it is ours.  And I love my life...so much.  And as crazy as it sounds, I cannot wait to add more babies to our bunch! 


Thanks for reading and please SHARE if you like it.  More to come on my infertility struggles next Monday and the next part of our story!  Love you all!
   

Brrrr...it's Cold in Here (There Must me some Embryos in the Atmosphere)

      For some of you ladies it happened on your honeymoon.  Somewhere on a beautiful beach or a luxurious vacation, Hawaii, a cabin in the mountains.  Maybe in the back of a pickup truck or in the shower.  I've never been able to master that one.  I have heard from others, that theirs was totally unplanned or unexpected.  Maybe you were taking antibiotics and didn't know that it cancelled out your birth control.  Some of you may have just "rolled over" and got pregnant. ( I hate you by the way ;) just kidding) But for most it happened in the comfort of your own bedroom at home.  Candles, romantic music and lots of kisses and cuddling.  For me, it happened a bit differently.  No lingerie...just a hospital gown for me and scrubs for my man.  It was a freezing cold, dark room.  My nerves were shot, my teeth were chattering, all while my feet were in stirrups.  But it was one of the sweetest, most romantic days of my life.  I got pregnant by a woman doctor named Abby, all while Cody held my hand and watched the whole thing.

      Rewind to a few days before.  I know you girls have been sitting on the edge of your seat after my post last week.  But I did survive.  The doctors were worried that I would be hospitalized after I developed a dangerous condition called hyper stimulation.  Thankfully, I never got a blood clot that week.  After lots of gatorade, meat, prayers, and a stockpile of my nana's homemade pickles, I dodged the bullet.  It was a very stressful few days, but we made it.  My nurse called me daily to keep me updated on the progress of our embryos.  The plan all along was to do a 5 day transfer.  Which basically means that they grow and develop in a petri dish for 5 days until they turn into a blastocyst and get ready to transfer.  I looked forward to those calls daily.  After doing our retrieval and I heard the news on how many embryos were created, I felt like pieces of my heart were outside of my body.  Totally weird I know, and super hard to explain.  But to this day, I still feel the same way.  When people tell me, "you have 3, isn't that enough."  I just wish they could understand the way I feel and the lump I get in my throat every time that statement is mentioned.   In my opinion, from the moment those embryos were created, they were ours.  Our babies.  We love them and we pray for them and long for them.  I feel like right now they are being babysat by some really nice doctors, who charge a really hefty yearly fee until we can bring them all home.  I SO wish I could do that, like... tomorrow.  If I could, I'd be pregnant with all of the 7 remaining all at the same time.  But my doctor isn't looking to lose her license anytime soon.  And I am not looking to be like Octomom, or put my babies in danger by doing so.  Anyways, I know I'm getting off topic here.  But I love ALL my babies, do you get that? :)  
       When Martha, my IVF nurse would call with the updates each day, she would so gently, remind me to brace myself for a cancelled cycle.  (They were still expecting me to get very sick and hospitalized due to my high estrogen levels.)  And let me tell ya, Martha thought that I was 10 shades of crazy.  Each time she told me what was going to likely happen,  I didn't even acknowledge it.  I was cheerful when I responded.  No tears...no worrisome questions.  I very politely told her "I'll be back."  Or, "See ya, Sunday, girl!"  I've always heard that your tongue is a double edge sword, and "if you speak it, it will come to you." And this girl, well, wasn't about to be speaking any negativity about the day she'd prayed for, for such a long time.  I can't quite explain it.  But despite any textbook, doctor, or medical prospective...I knew God was on my side.  Everything was working out according to his plan.  I felt such peace about the situation, and didn't let any medical opinion bring my spirits down.  Did I know that it was a possibility my cycle would be cancelled?  Absolutely!  Did I believe it actually would be?  No, I did not.  I just knew in my heart those babies would be transferred that weekend.   I just had to convince everyone around me of the same thing (including a very smart team of doctors).
      I spent the next couple days preparing for our big weekend.  We went home for a while and cleaned up the house and tried to make our bedroom into a peaceful oasis.  I bought new pajamas, candles, new pillows, and even a new cozy blanket.  I had my DVR full of Lifetime movies and all the seasons of One Tree Hill were sitting close by.  I was all set for my bed rest! We also stocked up on fresh pineapple and had it ready in the fridge.  Pineapple core was supposed to help with the implantation process after the transfer.  It's kind of an old wives tell, but we were willing to do anything to increase our chances!  Conquering infertility could be a full time job, y'all! I googled everything that would help increase our success and we did it!  We had to start a new injection that week too.  My hubby was told that it was much easier to give it to me in the thigh,  so thats what he did.  Let me just say, that wasn't such good advice.  If looks and screams could kill, he would've been dead and cold within the first 10 seconds of that bad decision.  It felt like a dull knife was piercing slowly through the muscle.  Oh, how I wished I could've stabbed him in the balls with that syringe.  Just kidding, kinda.  Poor guy, he felt horrible.  Once that medicine was injected, he took it out and and begged forgiveness we both agreed that he'd stick to the hip next time. :)  The next morning, we loaded up the car and headed to Nashville.  A drive we'd been looking forward to all week.
      When we arrived at the clinic, the doctor on call greeted us.  She then told us how surprised she was that our transfer had stayed on the schedule.  She was told earlier that week that she'd get to enjoy her Sunday off after reviewing my bloodwork.  I just smiled and told her that lots of prayer had gotten us to this point, and the fact that I was stubborn didn't hurt either ;).  We entered several security checkpoints, all reviewing our wristbands.  I was given some water and a valium to relax me.  I didn't oblige.   Heck, I needed 10 of them the closer I got to 10 am.  My nerves swindling away by the minute.  They put us in our room where I changed into my gown and got into the hospital bed.  The nurse came in and went over the typical paper work and asked me my name and birthdate a bazillion times.  All while I kept drinking lots of water like I was ordered to do.  As the questions and monitoring continued, my bladder continued to expand.  All I could think about was how badly I had to pee.  Another doctor came in and they stressed the fact that if we, indeed got pregnant, multiples were a big possibility.  We were totally ok with that.  All until the embryologist entered the room to bring us the sweetest picture I've ever seen.  

Meet our first 2 sweet babies...their very first picture.  

                                      Hudson and Paislee 

Now I know I'm partial, but they totally have my eyes, don't you think? ;)  When I first laid my eyes on this photo, the waterworks began.  I knew no matter what was going on in the world, I'd found exactly where I was supposed to be.  My heart was full.  They were perfect.  They were beautiful.  They were mine.  And regardless of the outcome of that day...we were already their parents.

      Cody was like a kid at Christmastime, excitement was an understatement.  We were both pretty giddy and nervous.  But mostly excited.  The time came and they rolled us back to the room where all the magic happened.  Did I mention I had to pee like a race horse?  The room was dark and very cold.  There was a large monitor screen similar to that of an ultrasound.  They got me all ready.  I was feeling the valium, but I also realized there were a WHOLE lot of people examining my, you know, vajayjay.  Modesty was completely thrown out the window on that day.  There was a large spot light shining directly on me while I was in stirrups.  Get the picture?  I felt like my lady area was under police interrogation, and everyone was watching.  But I knew it was completely necessary to get my sweet embryos back to where they needed to be,  in my uterus.  Another doctor came in and they stressed the fact that if we, indeed got pregnant, multiples were a big possibility.  Even though they tried to talk us out of it, we were totally ok with that. We loved the idea of twins! As soon as I was prepped, they rolled our embryos in.  "Dad, would you like to take a look at your embryos before we transfer?"  He walked over to the incubation box they were in and looked at them "in person" for the very first time.  I looked over and saw him standing there in those scrubs, looking through the microscope...at our future.  I prayed that that image would always be remembered. I wanted to take a mental photograph and frame it to hang all of my life.  I'll never forget how precious that moment was.  The tears were flowing again and we were both ready.   We were both financially, physically, and emotionally exhausted.  But we were ready.  Please, God, let me be a mom.  Please help those babies stay.  I wanted them so bad it hurt.  Cody gripped my hand with his nervous, sweaty palms, and the doctor began to narrate what was happening.  They loaded the 2 embryos into the cathedar and placed the cathedar into my uterus.  I laid extremely still and we watched the whole process on the screen.  We prayed and I cried some more.  I have never been more happy or more terrified at the same time.  When I envisioned how my babies would be conceived, it didn't involve this many people or doctors in the room with us.   But at that moment, it seemed like we were the only 2 people standing there.  Me and him and those 2 sweet babies.  We embraced it all.  It may have been a little different and unconventional, but it is what made our story perfectly right for us.  I thanked God for that moment he'd brought us to.  And I begged those 2 embryos to stick and make my belly home for the next 9 months...

"For you formed my inward parts, you knitted me in my mother's womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them."

-PSALM 139  13-16

Thank you all for reading! I LOVE to hear your thoughts each week! Please SHARE!  I cannot tell you the amount of emails I've received from people that I don't even know that are experiencing infertility...all because they read it on a friends page.  Be sure and subscribe as well!  Next week I'll continue my story and give an update on our current cycle! Love to all you sweet girls! Have an amazing week! 

   


   

   

Scrambled eggs, with a little semen on the side

      I eventually got used to all the needles.  Heck, I'd gouge myself in the eyeballs twice a day if it meant I could get pregnant.  It just became my new normal.  Thank God, I got used to them since I started seeing an acupuncturist the week of my egg retrieval.  I wish I had a picture of that.  I laid in a quiet room with chinese music and had needles from the tips of my toes to my ear lobes.  I was told to relax and "become one" with the table I was laying on in nothing but my panties.  Steve, my acupuncturist told me, very confidently that I WOULD become pregnant.  I loved that statement.  I think that's why I continued to fork out what little was left in our bank account to continue our sessions throughout my IVF treatments.  To be honest, it was a little uncomfortable, but very relaxing.  It helped me find my center and helped me to channel my inner fertility goddess.  Ok, girls, I'm totally kidding.  But it was relaxing.  I'll never forget when I was casually telling my friend about my acupuncture session that week, she told me I had lost my mind.  She said I was completely nuts for going to him, I just laughed.  But I cried the whole way home from our lunch date.  Mostly because I was hormonal I guess.  She never would have made that comment if she knew it would hurt my feelings so much.  I was already aware that all the measures I was going to to become a mom, were extreme and considered crazy to many.  I think what broke my heart was that she actually said what I'm sure everyone else was thinking.  Maybe I was nuts, but I'd go to any length for my future babies.  And I was gearing up for a big week.  My egg retrieval surgery...

       It was harvest time. And I'm not talking about all those beautiful fall colors either, ladies.  I'm talking about the gathering and harvesting of my eggs.  If you read last week's blog, I'm sure you remember me talking about my husband getting an orgasm while I was getting prepped for surgery.  Long story short, he put his stuff in a cup and took it to the doctor.  She used it to inject inside each of my eggs...all 33 of them that they retrieved.  You know, the process of conception that typically happens within a bedroom.  Sometimes romantically with candles and music.  Ours happened a little more untraditional.  I was still knocked out from the anesthesia,  their were half a dozen doctors present, and get this...Cody wasn't even in the room.  Can you believe that? Pretty crazy, huh?  When  I finally woke up from surgery they told me they had retrieved 33 eggs.  That is a crazy high number!  Most of the time, successful IVF patients get 12-15.  Little did I know at the time, I had hyper stimulated.  This happened because my body went into overdrive due to the injections and produced a very high number of eggs.  This can sometimes be very dangerous to your body.  I was still a little droggy from the anesthesia.  But I was aware of one thing...my ovaries were pissed off.
        My doctor told me before I was released to go home that most patients recovered within 48-72 hours.  Ok, stop right there.  Let's take the term "most patients" and throw it out the window.  I call bullsh*t.  Most patients are in their mid thirties and produce the "typical" number of eggs, around 12-15.  I felt fierce pains in my abdomen and looked 4-5 months pregnant, due to my ovaries being so swollen.  Those poor girls were angry and had been through the ringer.  But let's be honest, I was a little upset at them too for not being functional and doing their job in the first place ;).   I also wanted to hold my pee for hours each time, because it hurt so badly each time I went.  Luckily, we decided to spend the next week at my lovely Aunt Becky's house.  She was such a blessing during that time.  Since I had to stay close to a hospital, she helped take care of me while Cody went to work. Thank God for her and her huge, lovely bathtub with jets....and a flat screen.  She has always spoiled me too, so that didn't hurt anything.  I was able to rest really well there.  So that made the pain and inconvenient bloating a little more bareable.  And the fact that my transfer was only a few days away.  Yay!  We had waited so long for that day and couldn't hardly wait for the moment we could transfer 2 of our sweet little embryos.
      The day after the transfer we got the call we had been waiting for.  The call to inform us how many of our fertilized eggs had turned into viable embryos.  12!  We got a dozen embryos.  My IVF nurse must have thought I would be upset by the news, because they'd initially told us the "typical" number per cycle was 3-5.  "But don't freak out," she said.  "You won't have to use all of them."  My heart sunk when she said that.  It sounded like she was comparing my embryos, my babies, to some extra condiments they threw in the bag at Taco Bell.  We didn't have to use them.  We could just toss them when we were done.  Why isn't everyone born with morals?  I hoped and prayed that my husband and family would understand the reality that I would plan to use each and every one.  I know that's a crazy reality to grasp, but God wouldn't have allowed that many to take, if he didn't plan on us using them. But that wasn't all, they had the results of my bloodwork... and it wasn't good.  Due to me hyperstimualting, my Estaraidol levels were over 10,000, which is scary high.  They told me once again, not to freak out, but I would likely be hospitalized.  She told me to stay somewhere close to their ER and to drink as much as possible.  And get this girls, my transfer would probably be cancelled.  Shut the front door...you've gotta be kidding me.  I have just put my body through all of this to get my transfer cancelled.  I was overwhelmed by all this news.  So I did what any woman would do.  Prayed for a miracle and...I googled.
      Anyone that knows my family, knows that they are pretty popular in the drama department.  As soon as Aunt Becky began to read the scary stuff we pulled up on google, she freaked out a little too. She began scouring her cabinets and fridge to find every grain of salt she could possibly find.  Salt was supposed to help for some reason I cannot remember.  The fear was that my blood was too thin and I could throw a blood clot with little to no warning, which could be fatal.  So sitting at the bar in her kitchen, she forced a rather large bowl of olives and pickles at me while Cody was pouring the gatorades.   "Eat these right now, sister. You don't wanna die, do you?"   I laughed and agreed to eat them until my face swelled up from all the salt.  Another wonderful family trait ;).  Then Becky did the unthinkable, what she was told not to do...she called my momma to spill the beans.  That little hooch can never, ever keep a secret ;). Did I mention my momma is dramatic?  She is wonderful, supportive, loving, and concerned.  But, oh...so dramatic.  And she loves google too.  If you could imagine, she freaked out as well.  I talked her off the edge and assured her that I'd be just fine.   But I'll never forget how worried I actually was.  The only person that knew that was Cody.  I didn't break down in front of anyone else, because I didn't want them to worry more or know how weak I really was.  What would I do if I died and left all of these babies behind without a momma.  I just prayed and cried, and yet again, God gave me a peace to just be still and trust him, so that's just what I did...

      Once again, I want to thank all of you fabulous ladies for you support and feedback for my blog! I appreciate all the sweet emails and fertility stories I have had the honor of reading.  I am so glad God is using this to be an inspiration to others.  Just a quick update on our current cycle.  I went for bloodwork this week and we are hopefully roughly 5 weeks away from our next transfer.  My estrogen levels are dropping lower every day.  Though, they don't make me feel the best, I am very anxious and excited to be transferring 2 more of our 7 precious remaining embryos.  As we get closer, I will be talking about it more and sharing photos and videos of the process! As always, please SHARE! And tune in next Monday to see where our story continues...